Christmas (Almost but Not) Ruined--the Homefront Version

So sorry to be such a bummer in these posts. It's almost over--while the big story of what God will do with us and through all this fallen, interpersonal mess is yet to unfold, this short little segment of the story is almost over. Because today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday, and Saturday we are heading back up to Chico for the beginning of the big family Christmas celebration of 2014. : )  We're going up so far before Christmas because it will be Great-Grandma's 95th birthday on Sunday (woo-hoo!), and so some of DH's cousins and their kids will be there, and there will be an open-house for friends and well-wishers of Great-Grandma. Then the days leading up to Christmas cousins and their families will come and go, so I have heard, and by Christmas Eve it will just be us and Great-Grandma and DH's parents.  Our plan right now is to stay through the 26th, with the option to stay until the 27th or even the 28th if things are so fun that we can't bear to leave.

Of course, given every other week-long visit in our history of being in this family, the odds are much more likely to head in the opposite direction. So that's why we said the 26th. That and we want to be sure and get home in time to have our own little Home Christmas, which right now we have planned for the Monday after that weekend. (Coming home to a house with no food after a week away, I at least need one day to grocery shop, cook, etc. before our home celebration!)

Anyway, I wanted to write down this latest chapter of the family saga because I wanted to think through all that happened, so I could take from it what I needed to have my heart in a wise and loving place before we go back up, and then let all the rest of it go. Also, I wanted to think through it all to help me figure out What To Do About It. 

And it has helped--even if it was much more painful than I anticipated. Mainly because it took too long to write it all out, and so I felt like I was dwelling in the negative more than I had intended when I started writing. Also, I started feeling like I was bumming the rest of you who might read this out as we get closer to Christmas and we all want to be in happy places! Focusing on Good and Peace and Hope and Joy!  Not focusing on the rest-of-the-year human frailties and fallen-ness we all experience. 

Also, this has been a very painful couple of weeks because not only have I had to work through MIL things, but also things within my home and marriage--because poor DH has been working through them too.

I never wrote about this last year, although I meant to.  It was a very big heart deal at the time, but I was too wrung to write it out. I'll share the important parts now: last Spring I helped plan and carry out our first Vintage Faith women's retreat.  It was a weekend at a retreat center run by some Franciscan monks. It was a good weekend. The speaker, named Susie, was not from our church, so I was completely surprised when she shared in her first talk that she had grown up under the oppression of an emotionally and verbally abusive mother, and she focused much of her talks all weekend on all that God had done in her because of/since that.

Of course I wanted to talk to Susie after hearing her say all that, but I did not want to pounce on her either. ; )  Instead, I asked God to give me a Word through her--some wisdom I need to have for healing the relationship with MIL, or at least handling it the way God wants me to.  All through the event, the talks were good, but nothing struck me as directly meant for me.  I really felt God had something to say to me, though.  But even through the last official talk on Saturday, I still felt like I was waiting.  Sat night ended, the women were hanging out, going to bed, etc. I was puttering around putting things away from our snack table and neatening up.  Then unexpectedly at midnight, Susie walked back in the door to the meeting space--she had left her notebook and came back for it.  I did not want to try to start a conversation with her, given the lateness of the hour and how tired she must be from leading two talks that day, but I at least wanted to ask her if I could email her later on and get her feedback on some of my own MIL stuff.  I did, she said yes--and then we ended up chatting anyway, and that led to more serious discussion, and then God Spoke.

Susie had asked about my own MIL situation, and as I tried to briefly explain (keep in mind this is only a month after the Big Turning Point conversation of January, so I was still stressed and raw from all the Big Processing I was doing at that time), I found myself getting info "fight or flight" mode just standing there talking to Susie (a touch of Post Traumatic Stress coming out) and it must have been very clear to Susie. I was telling her how burdened I felt, and like the weight of it all was on me, and feeling myself getting tense and panicky, and she interrupted me and said, "You know, I don't know if this is from God or not, but I feel like I need to tell you this. This should be your husband's battle, not yours."  She said not only was this his mother and not mine, but also he is supposed to be the defender of our family, not me, and so I needed to relinquish that role to him.  As she said those things, I am totally serious--it was like a tingly wash of water poured down on me from my head down over my body.  I literally felt like a shower was pouring over me--which immediately told me this was the Word planned for me by the power of the Divine Counselor.  Of course I started crying, and as Susie kept talking with me I felt a huge weight lifting off of me.

A few minutes later, as she and I finished the deep sharing and got into some chatting again, she suddenly interrupted again to say, "I want you to know. . . my husband was not always my champion.  But I chose to believe he was, and over time he became my champion." More tears there--because of course so much of my struggle in our marriage has been because I so easily feel devalued and not cherished or protected, all things my heart of hearts secretly desires.  In regards to our relationship with my MIL, my Dear Husband does not think he or I need defending from his mom's negativity and accusations and condemnation. He grew up with it, and so is naturally inclined to keep quiet or just ignore it. I do not at all fault him for this--I understand how this has been his coping mechanism (and his dad's too), and in a way how unfair it is to expect that he would see the need to defend me, or understand how all the negativity would negatively affect how I feel about myself and how he values me (or not).

All this important God-talk happened in a matter of 20 minutes, and after Susie and I said goodnight, I walked back into the meeting room to finish straightening up. A dear woman from church named Kathy was in there also putting things away--someone who is not a close friend but with whom I have shared many deep conversations over the years, and who knows our family well.  I shared with her the two significant things that God had just shown me, and she cried with me, and then, it felt like God whispered one more thing to me: that while I had come seeking insight about healing in my relationship with MIL, God desired instead to heal my marriage.  It hit me that maybe, just maybe, all this mess with MIL was what God was going to use to grow DH and I closer together, and closer to being the people He desires us to be.

When I got home from the retreat, I shared these revelations with DH (well, the first and last ones--I didn't tell him that I don't see him as my champion, but that I would trust he would grow into it.  But at whatever point he reads this post, I guess he'll know. ; )  He listened, and he agreed that it seemed like something God would say. So, from then on, I have tried to keep healthy and strong with those good expectations for my interactions with MIL, but I have also tried to defer to DH when possible, and have tried to not feel like I'm taking back on the burden of the relationship's health.

And I think God has been doing his Good work in us, subtly.  During the big discussion of Christmas Ruined Forever when we were in Chico for Thanksgiving, DH was very much an active part of the conversation with his mom, and at one point when she and I reached a stalemate, I looked over at him and asked, "Well, do you have any words of wisdom for us?"  And then he directed the conversation to the bigger picture.  The point is that we were having the conversation together with his mom, and that hopefully he felt respected by me during it. Those are little things, but its going to be a lot of little things like that, that slowly move us closer together.

Then after Thanksgiving, DH and I had to talk through all that happened, and process together. Because of all of the accusations directed at me personally for hijacking gift selection and giving, I asked DH to oversee the kids' wish list making, and also do all the correspondence with his mom about gifts.  So the last day when we were in Chico and MIL told the kids to write down what they wanted for Christmas, I purposefully stayed in the other room and did not go near the kids or the table so there could be no question of my interference. 

And then when his mom started emailing after we were home from Thanksgiving, continuing the talk about Christmas Ruined Forever, DH took over that correspondence.  He wrote his mom an email--but it was more than that, it was like his first Letter to her, the kind I have been occasionally writing to MIL when there seems to be need.  It took him three nights of writing--the first night until 3 am, the second night until 6 am, and then the third night until 3 am again. It was only a page long, but he is extremely thoughtful and purposeful when he writes, and writing does not come naturally to him, and so that piece of correspondence was clearly infused with his blood & sweat.  He did such a good job too, addressing MIL's feelings, but then directing the conversation to the bigger picture again.

So, it has been really good to feel like the big issues this Christmas season are not falling on me alone.  Is that selfish? I'm sure. But yet, it also feels right. I feel very badly for all that DH is bearing this year, and have tried to share in it as appropriate, and have still felt the emotional/psychological weight of it all too--but for once not the weight of responsibility. Still, it has been very hard for both of us, and last week the constant nights of too little sleep and too much stress overtook us, and things between us hit bottom.  It just all became too much. We couldn't even talk to each other, and were seeking solitary escapes.

At one point, I got really angry with my MIL, in my heart. Because all of her drama of Christmas Ruined Forever, and us trying to restore relationship, or at least not do anything blameworthy this Christmas, started to make me feel like we were in danger of ruining our Christmas.

But a few days ago DH and I started to come out from under it, and started seeking restoration of relationship, in our own little ways.  And then night before last we finally had a really good, very necessary talk about all this stuff and how it affects us, and it ended well. But the stress is very subtly rising, and it does not feel like we are strong enough to handle this well.  Even as I type now, the evening has not gone as planned, and DH and I are feeling ourselves moving slightly more apart again, just when we need to feel closest.

So, friends and loved ones--those of you who are still here and are thus part of my private therapy group ; )--I would so appreciate your prayers. Would you please pray for our hearts--for compassion for MIL and also for our unity as a married couple?  Would you please pray that we would be completely free from fear, and therefore be freed from making any decisions about our stay in Chico based upon fear? Would you please pray for the Holy Spirit to lead us and be manifest during our time with extended family? Would you please pray that we would all be able to let go of all these sins that so easily entangle us, and be free to fully celebrate Jesus, and our love for one another in His name? 

Thank you so much.

Thank you too for the kind comments some of you have left either to previous posts or in emails. I really do appreciate the feedback, even if I'm not taking the time to formulate responses at the moment, and if you have any words of wisdom for me as we head into this next week, I will be glad to read them.  Some of you have asked specific questions, and I'll try to respond to those later--if I get any more chances to blog!

Much love to you all!