now breathing a lot easier

Just another quick update!

Yesterday about 4:00 life became so much less stressful, it was like a switch had been thrown.  Ahhhhhhh, so much better!

--First, the book-making party was over.  Four hours of setting up and guiding kids and moms in our art project (illustrations for the book we are making together) and cleaning up.  Oh, and that was after getting Merry and Happy going on their art (so we would have samples to show) and helping Sunny revise her poem all before breakfast.  (Which actually, consisted of bananas, french bread, and giant peanut butter and chocolate cookies eaten in the car on the way to the event, which goes to nicely counter Jessica's overly generous "supermom" comment yesterday.  Thank you for the kind words, friend--I need the encouragement as much as the laugh! ; )

I love doing the book project every year--don't get me wrong!  And it seemed like the moms who were there feel the same and really wanted their kids to participate, and the poetry itself the kids came up with was so cute, and they seemed to enjoy making the art, so all in all a good use of 4 hours.  But, WHEW. 

The project is nowhere near done, since I'll be helping my dear Becky's girls with their pages when they get back from a trip, and my girls want to do more poems and art.  And some of the other kids in our homeschool group have not finished their art, so I have to wait until next week to actually put the book together.  We have one more week, since the Author's Fair is the 5th, but we are also working on a couple other book projects we hope to finish. . .  .

But ANYWAY, stress over book project done for this week at least!  I can wait to stress more about until Monday. : )

--Second, got two phone calls yesterday afternoon that took off SO much stress.  Now I have a minute to explain:

Remember Dear Husband's sister "Auntie N" who married an Indian gentleman, "Uncle S," and then had a daughter prematurely?  (So much more than that, but there's the gist.)  Well, they have been living in Colorado (instead of going back to India) because their daughter, whom I nicknamed "Sweetness" for this blog, is still medically fragile--a robust, adorable, energetic little 18 month old girl who has underdeveloped lungs and who could be in dire jeopardy from catching a cold.  So Auntie N has basically been a recluse for the past 18 months, and while they take Sweetness out into nature as much as they can, they do NOT take her around other kids, and they don't take her to public places like groccery stores or church.  She is just so cute that strangers can't keep their hands off of her, not knowing how dangerous germs are for her.  And of course she is at the age when she is putting everything in her mouth, touching everything, crawling, etc.  So we do not blame Auntie N and Uncle S for how they are choosing to isolate and raise Sweetness--it is for her own safety--but it means no one from DH's extended family has met Sweetness.  Only his parents have been out to CO, to help care for their daughter and grand-daughter a few times while Uncle S had to travel to India for extended work trips.  (Well, DH and I met Sweetness when she was a month old, but she was an extreme preemie in an incubator the whole time, so we did not actually interact with her.)   

Now Uncle S is going to India for another long trip, and this time they decided to bring Auntie N and Sweetness to DH's parents in Chico for the duration!  So now we get to see Sweetness in person!  Her health safety is still a  big issue, so we will probably not really be indoors with them, but the weather has really turned into Spring out here in CA, so we should have plenty of time outdoors to spend with Auntie N and her little family.  Very excited about this, as you can imagine.  I really like DH's sister, a very gentle God-seeking woman who loves to read and talk about God and other deep things and who drinks tea. ; )  And her husband is like the male Indian version of her in temperment and personality!  He is so so sweet and kind, and has a heart for truth and justice and all manner of things close to my heart too.

But here is where the stress part comes in!  We found out Weds. that they were on the road heading to Chico, but they were not sure if they would stay up there for the weekend or come down here for a visit!  But the motorhome that DH's parents have had sitting in our front yard for  going on a year is not currently usable, as his dad had to remove the water pump and the interior doors (i.e. toilet and shower) for repairs last time he visited.  So, it is now a motorhome with no running water and no doors on certain important rooms.  Plans were just all so up in the air the past few days.  Were they coming?  Would we go up there to see them instead?   Should I focus on cleaning or packing?  If they came here, where would they sleep?  Do we give them our  home, and our family move into the motorhome, since no water and no interior doors wouldn't make my family bat an eye?  (take out the double-negative of that sentence to get a chuckle.) But then even if I cleaned everything top to bottom, would they feel comfortable living in our spaces, because of the inevitable germs?  Are MIL and FIL coming too?!  How could I possibly get the whole house AND the motorhome clean and respectible enough to meet the health needs of Sweetness and the keen eye of MIL in less than three days (esp. when we have so many school things going on this week, and for weeks I have been really sick or really busy and the house has been such A WRECK, and so many home repair problems are cropping up all over I'm thinking we will have to downgrade our house status from "cabin" to "hovel.")

Can you feel the stress?

BUT then the two phone calls:

1) My dear friend Rosa, who knew the situation and needs, called and said she had received permission for us to borrow a 3 bedroom cabin in Mount Hermon (Santa Cruz mountain community centered around a large Christian camp) for the weekend for free!  BLESSING. 

2) I texted Auntie N with the great news, and later that afternoon heard from her--they are coming here, but they very much would prefer to stay in the Mt. Hermon cabin and feel safe from our family germs ; )  so are grateful for that offer.  And MIL and FIL are NOT coming along too!  This means not only that we will actually get to relax and be completely ourselves this weekend and have a good bonding time with DH's sister and her little family (we don't really get to talk interpersonally with them when we are with DH's parents, because of busyness and other family dynamics), but also that while I will still clean, in case one parent comes over to hang out in the evening while the other stays with their sleeping baby, I no longer have to obsess about all those spaces that guests only see if they are living with you, like the shower and the inside of the fridge!  And if they do come over, Auntie N has seen our house before and so won't be freaked out by it's "imperfections," and Uncle S is from India, for heaven's sake, so has a much more global perspective on housing anyway--I won't feel judged by either one. BLESSINGS GALORE.

I gotta tell you, the stress just melted away.  When I got that last call, I was eating my first real meal of the day (Thank the Lord for that cookie in the car.  Can we say low blood sugar?  I was running on pure adrenalin all day) during a late but much needed quiet time.  So after finding out I could stop stressing for the day, I just got to sit, eat, relax, mentally escape at the computer for a little bit, and breathe.  Ahhhhhhhhhh. 

And then, lo and behold, when quiet time was over and I was instructing kids again, I was actually a good and patient mommy, who handled temper flare-ups with grace and who actually bonded with her kids through momentary conflict.  BLESSING.  I had not realized how much I was grim and lean mommy this week until I felt that flood of calm take over my parenting there late in the day. 

Now, today, Auntie N called with a question and woke me up before 8--but the sun was STREAMING into the windows, and it was just so beautiful and calm I was so glad to be awake.  I made my tea and read my Bible, and then read my blogs--oh, beautiful and meaningful stuff happening out there in my blog world, which I would love to share with you sometime, but which has been growing my heart and compassion and giving me Perspective over and over in the past several weeks--and my family has slept in, and in fact are STILL sleeping, and the sun is moving to new windows and the birds are chirping and while I need to get cleaning I still have a good 6 hours or more before they come, plenty of time now, so glad to let the kids get the rest they need and DH the rare treat of sleeping in so late. 

BLESSING.

I pray you all have a beautiful, peaceful, love-filled weekend-full of blessings!




        

still breathing!

I tried to blog this morning with a few free minutes, but it's just not working--too much I could say, none of it worth the time this morning!  But I just wanted to say all is well, just very hectic.  I got really sick, but now am better.  I am neck-deep in homeschool projects, including the annual Author's Fair, for which I am leading a group project for our homeschool friends.  I am trying to finish up units I had wanted to do before the end of the official end of school--always a very productive and energetic time of the year for us. 

And just yesterday I found out that this weekend EITHER we will be going to DH's parents OR will be hosting family down here--and won't know for sure until late tonight or tomorrow, which means I have to frantically clean house AND get all the laundry ready to pack, just in case! All while trying to finish up our poetry and watercolor collages to be examples for our book-making party tomorrow, which I am leading.  WHEW.  

So, even though there is plenty to say, I really should not take any more time at the computer. But I just wanted everyone to know all is well here. : )  If you really miss me going on and on, you are welcome to check out the book project we are doing over on the homeschool blog.  And hopefully life will settle down next week, or at the very least the week after, and I can share more of life with you again.

Hope these last few weeks have been good wherever you are!

Happy Holy Week

Oh, what a feeling today!

Such a far cry from where I was Monday morning.  Here are the things I am feeling so blessed by and happy about this morning:

--Receiving an email from my friend yesterday saying she had been out of town and had not received my email apology, but that I was forgiven and she was thankful for our friendship.  Ahh, so good to feel.

--Happy finding my missing earring pouch yesterday!  So, now I have the win-win situation of two new pairs of earrings to enjoy, but all of my old favorites too, and just in time for wanting to look nice at my in-laws over the Easter weekend.

--My children NOT waking up fighting with me for the first time all week!  I don't know why, but they have been SO crabby.  I think, honestly, it is the result of the "break" I gave them last week as their reward for such excellent schooling leading up to the STAR testing.  I think my kids thrive on routine, and even though they want to lay in bed and read all morning, and are entirely happy doing so, they are too young to recognize how doing so--and missing breakfast, and being inside during the best parts of the day because of their morning choices--affects them.  And then this week getting them back into the expectation of getting up and getting them going (at the hardly early hour of 9 a.m.) has been really unpleasant, with the two eldest starting out their days with scowls and grumbles, and then having small temper tantrums throughout the days!  What is up with that?! 

But TODAY--ahhhh, kids woke up peacefully, have been fairly good in attitude, and the whole house just feels a little more peaceful.  (I am sure this is not at all related to the fact that a certain eldest girl spent the night at her BF's house last night. ; )

--Realizing yesterday that this is Holy Week.  Now, you remember I don't come from a background that follows the formal church calendar, so I don't really know what Holy Week really means.  I just know that for anyone who has any kind of heart engagement with Lent and with the story of Jesus, this week is just about the most important of the whole year--between Palm Sunday (this past Sun.) and Easter Sunday, we re-live in our hearts and minds the whole tragic, awe-ful, glorious last week of Jesus, who was fully God and yet fully man, and who was condemned by mankind, who suffered more than we can imagine, and who died, willingly, to restore us in right relationship with God Almighty. 

It is so pathetic that I have been so "busy" and wrapped up in the minutia of daily life that I have not really thought about where I was in Lent, historically speaking.  I knew Easter is this next weekend, which has meant (in my mind this week) needing to make sure the girls all have sandals that fit for church on Sunday;  getting out the warmer-weather clothes and doing laundry so I can pack appropriately for us all spending the weekend at DH's parents' house; thinking about what sugary treat I'm going to have for my first Teatime with Jesus next week. ; ) 

I didn't hear mention last week at church about it being Palm Sunday (which could have been because I spent the service hanging out in the Abbey coffeelounge doing my Bible study homework ; ), which normally would clue me in.  So somehow yesterday it just sort of hit me, and I realized THIS is what I have been waiting for all Lent.  Not the chocolate, not the celebration of Easter--no, I have been yearning for and awaiting the annual re-connection with God through re-appreciation of who He is, what He did for me through His son Jesus on the cross, what He does for me every day through the power of his Holy Spirit.  That is what Lent is all about.

Thank you, Lord, for the re-awakening you have given me this morning! 

--The sun is STREAMING through the windows here in the living room. (In fact, I need to hurry this post up, since it will be hitting the computer screen in 20 minutes and I won't be able to see a thing for the glare--my natural morning blog timer. ; )  We have had overall nice weather this Spring, not too much rain, but overall much colder than usual, and with its fair share of gloom.  Oh, but this sun this morning--it is actually hot against my skin and I sit here and type, and is warming my spirit so much!

--Lastly, I am so happy with the state of my brain these days!  This is such a big deal to me.  I might try to write about that more later, but I have become aware in the past few months that my "baby brain" seems to have been completely restored!  And I have a suspicion that my low-carb, mostly sugar-free 40-ish days of Lent has played a positive role as well.  So I have seen drastic increases in my overall brain function, and in my overall mental clarity, which manifest in several ways.  The brain function that I have really been noticing, and which struck me in particular yesterday and today, is my vocabulary.  I have my words back!!!  This part of my brain is really affected by pregnancy and motherhood, for some reason, and I distinctly recall times when I would struggle to pull out the names for such simple things as "you know, that thing you drive--oh, right, CAR!" 

But when I finally yesterday finished the post about Conversations and Dishes--oh, what a sweet feeling, to actually be able to summon words, the words I wanted, the words I meant!  And in emails and in other interactions with people this week, I have been so happily surprised by the words that pop into my head while I write.  I always have to check the spelling of said words, and make sure they are words I mean, but they usually are!  I LOVE the feeling!     

Words like rectitude, lucidity, loquacious, garrulous, trepidation, Machiavellian, ineptitude, pluckless, and drudge!  Oh, I feel like I am coming back into my own!  Like I am reclaiming a part of me that I had forgotten about.

Another beautiful thing today to remind me of the joys of RENEWAL. 

I hope you are all having a blessed week!

Conversation and dishes

(A representation of me and Rosa in the kitchen; 
photo from Father Knows Best.
Yes, He does. ; )

I wanted to write one more thing about the Conversations I was telling you about here.  You see, I'll bet you will be surprised to hear what my absolute favorite part of the three-part series was: doing the dishes!

When I accepted responsibility for the hostessing and desserts, I decided to try to see if we could make these events as waste-free as possible. (With the goal of all SoulKitchen events eventually being almost entirely waste-free, and then using those examples of successful "greening" to encourage our whole church to strive for less waste at church events.) We are so fortunate, because when Vintage Faith first started, it was in partnership with two other churches--Santa Cruz Bible, which birthed it, and the local First Presbyterian church which opened it's campus to share, and then two years later officially joined with Vintage as one body. It is a really beautiful and rather amazing story of churches behaving well, which I won't go into now, but is important simply because when we moved to the First Pres "campus" (really just three buildings, but they are spacious and flexible, and have tons of storage, which has opened up all kinds of ministry and fellowship opportunites, such as the creation of the Abbey coffee lounge), it was an old congregation with all the wonderful acoutrements of old-fashioned church life, like a huge kitchen and loads of official church dishes!

The building which houses the kitchen (and gym) is in sore need of some renovation and all-around loving, and so the kitchen now sees more use for handy-man storage, an impromptu artists' studio, and various church projects than it does anything involving food. It is slightly sawdusty and the floor is drop-clothed and filthy, and you can't get to some of the cupboards easily for the sawhorses and work-spaces in the way--but under the neglect, it is still a wonderful, large, well-designed kitchen, with so many work areas. It is a space that is heavy with nostalgia--such as the large cupboards that Rosa found out the First Pres women used for raising their homemade bread during the service, so then they would be ready for baking after, I assume to then be eaten during some church-wide dinner or fellowship time.  

 I had never really used the kitchen before--but it seemed like the right time to start.  So on the first night of Conversations, I went early and got coffee cups and dessert plates out of the big cupboards (which had been languishing in disuse so long they had to be wiped clean before we could use them) and stacked them on an industrial stainless steel cart with shelves, and wheeled them all to the rooms where we had tables set up and decorated.  We arranged the plates and cups on the table near the coffee and tea, and had a beautiful, welcoming spread for all the ladies who came.  As women were leaving, they just placed their dirty dishes back on the cart, and then my dear Rosa and I wheeled the cart back to the kitchen. 

(Actually, the wheeling to and fro was the only element of the whole endeavor that gave me any trepidation--since we were wheeling the cart outside, around the perimeter of the buildings  on sidewalk that was often slanted for handicapped access.  As the dishes rattled and bumped and slid in subtle increments, Rosa and I would wince, easily imagining the din of kamikaze crockery smashing on the flagstones, thus signaling the end of our "greening" scheme.  I'll brainstorm a more secure transport for the next series of Conversations--but for this last series, the God who keeps his eye on the sparrow was merciful with us and kept his eye on the saucers too.)

Once safely back in the kitchen, we simply wheeled the cart over to the oversized stainless-steel double-sink, well-positioned on an island to be accessible from either side.  One sink filled with hot soapy water, the other with cool rinse water, and the drainboard on the end--the ideal situation for efficient washing up.  (And one of many thoughtful and practical elements that suggest ladies well versed in kitchen duties were instrumental to its design.)  Rosa and I bustled cheerfully about that big, companionable sink for an hour after each night's event--and each time, it was the best part of the whole evening.  Seriously--she and I are good friends, and share the same desire for our church as a whole to be as healthy and sustainable as possible, so the joint activity was natural and satisfying.  But the Conversations we had together there in the kitchen over the big sink of soapy water--they were so deep and special.  We've known each other for years, and yet those nights we learned so much more about each other--real stuff, important stuff.   

(This was us on the inside.)

It was just Rosa and I, late at night in a church kitchen, hands and hearts and words happily engaged.  And yet, there was something else, something almost tangible, heavy in the air as we worked, something whispering in the backs of our minds.  For our little efforts washing dishes--there in the space we had reclaimed in the dirty, uncherished kitchen--seemed symbolic of the overall purpose of SoulKitchen, which is encouraging women to make spaces in their lives for greater depth with God and one another. 

In fact, our official SoulKitchen Vision Statement reads:

SoulKitchen exists to create opportunities for women to know and love God more. To know, love and invest in each other and to study and dialogue about issues of life and faith.  

It is clear how the whole Conversations events so perfectly fit this vision, as I described it in that earlier post--ahhhhh, so beautiful to see our ministry goals fulfilled, so satisfying to see women's needs and desires being met.  It was literal fulfillment of the vision.  But the time I had afterwards, washing dishes with Rosa, felt symbolic of the spiritual fulfillment of the vision.  Those dishes were like us women, created to be used, created to serve, to nourish, to bring pleasure. If we are not being used, if we are not in service, we lose purpose.  We become purposeless.  We might even feel unloved.  Forgotten.  Unappreciated.  Unfulfilled.  

Oh, yes, and there was even symbolism in the very nature of our embracing the kitchen and traditional "women's duties"--long seen in our recent culture as symbols of female oppression and devaluation--and not fearing some kind of diminishment by them.  It is a sad fact that the very social movements that helped women feel restored to public worth stigmatized and decried their life-giving labors in the kitchen.  Doing dishes, especially by hand--esp. in this age of modern conveniences--is considered more than a chore, more like an affront, an offense--and the women who do them pluckless, self-limiting drudges. 

I know of a lot of women who only use disposable plates at home for all their everyday meals--not because they have real reason to, but because somehow the whole idea of dishwashing is beneath them, not worth their time or thought. (And I also know women who use disposable plates regularly who have darn good reason to--I'm not throwing stones at anyone, least of all a mother who sees disposable plates as the last tenuous thread between herself and the abyss of insanity. ; )   

But how sad, that such a simple and instantly gratifying task has become so denigrated.  And how--because of the same mentality spreading to churches of disposable dishes seeming to be an acceptable (and even preferrable) substitute for physical acts of kitchen service--the bountiful resource of the church kitchen has fallen into disfavor and disuse.  But to what extent might our waste of such material resources mirror an unsustainability of our modern spiritual life--that we are taking our freedoms and blessings too much for granted, and the focus of our service is very subtly ourselves?  That we are missing out on the blessings that come hand-in-hand with cheerful labor done unto the Lord?  That we are missing the concept that any task necessary to the fullness of church life is not a burden, but a grace-exuberant opportunity to participate in, choose even, our daily renewal.     

And what other humble kitchen task but washing dishes could so perfectly reflect the purifying of the spirit by immersion in the Spirit? 

So, for all these reasons, starting off this new ministry to women by freeing those dishes from the cupboards, rinsing them clean, putting them in the worthwhile service for which they were created--it gave the labor such a subtle, beautiful hint of redemption.  Of restoration.  Of rejuvination.  Our few hours of washing and rinsing and drying and stacking were holy service, truly Souls in the Kitchen, so retro and so divine. 

As I wrote in an email to the SoulKitchen leaders later, I can see word leaking out, other women getting a whiff of something intriguing, something appealing, something special happening in the kitchen--and them wanting to be in the kitchen too.  : )  As they should--it's truly the best part of the whole shebang.  Coming to a Conversation, being fed, being heard--that is so good.  Leaving a Conversation with a desire for more, for going deeper, for being fully Used in the service of Love, for seeking ways to give ourselves over to the Spirit for renewal--that is so, so, so, so Good. 

I thanked my fellow SoulKitchen ladies for humoring me in my "green" urges.  I'm not just being on some environmental band-wagon--there is so much meaning in that kitchen time, which we as sisters in service should strive to reclaim as a whole body (body of women, church body), for growing our fellowship and increasing our praise.

I also stressed to my SK sisters that I was NOT saying they all had to have the same values, or think they "should" help in the kitchen.  No guilt or nothing here!  Same goes for any of you women in ministry (or in your homes) looking at your paper plates. ; )  I just wrote all this to share how using one of my Gifts (serving) in combination with one of my personal values (going greener) behind the scenes in service to God and His daughters felt SO GOOD.  That is what I want to encourage in all of us!  Regardless of how (or whether or not) God has already brought us to whatever ministries He deemed fit, He might have special new, little areas for each of us to step out in and really bloom!

My sisters in spirit, this is my prayer for all of you!  Be creative, listen to the nudging of the Spirit, think about what is most important to you, and then do a little something to bless others.  It cannot help but bless you too.

And local readers (Jen, I'm talking to you!)--if you hear about the next round of Conversations, likely happening at the beginning of summer, please consider coming! 

(And nobody worry that I'm going to drag you into the kitchen afterwards. It's an invite only scene--but if the Holy Spirit invites you, you are more than welcome! : )

Sunday fashion show--new earrings

This time the photos are not of my beautiful girls. . .

No, this time it's me, in my full 40-year-old glory.  Recently Jessica, one of my favorite blog villagers, made a sweet girlfriend request for photos of me in some of the clothing and accessories I sometimes blog about.  I thought that could be fun, and would give more of a face to my blog persona, for those of you readers who do not know me IRL. 

Specifically, I thought you might enjoy seeing me in the two new pairs of earrings I finally did go get from Trade As One to tide me over until I (hopefully) find my missing travel jewelry pouch.  So, here are some photos taken by my Dear Husband, who is a good sport.  And who loves me much more than the camera does. 

Here is pair #1.  I have (had?) the same earrings in subtly shiny dark grey beads--one of my favorite pairs (which, now that I remember, you can see in the photo three posts ago in which I am modeling my fun feather fascinator).  I sure hope I find the grey ones, which go with almost anything, but these are also lovely, and look good with lots of my clothes.  And I really like them with my new hat! 

Yes, those of you who have been reading this blog for a while might remember how I once wrote about wanting a hat.  A cute hat, a practical hat, a hat I could stick on when I hadn't taken a shower that day was having a bad hair day to immediately feel cuter when going out in public.  A hat that was versatile and comfortable.  I considered lots of different kinds of hats, but never was completely happy with any--either they were a little too limiting in what they would match, or they were too wintery, or they would be hard to keep clean, etc.  With only a small clothing allowance and an even smaller amount of clothing storage, I do my best to make every purchase be a wise one!  So, I have gone all this time, looking. . . and weekend before last finally found one!  It is not nearly as pretty or clever or unique as the hat that first inspired me--but it is so practical, so wearable, is my favorite color, matches everything in my wardrobe, can be worn year-round, and makes me feel cute!

Actually, it also makes me look vaguely like my dear Becky when I am wearing it. (Case in point--when I first bought it and put it on to show the kids, and asked, "Who do I look like?" They all said I looked like her. : )  But she is a beautiful woman, so that's all good.  I just hope she does not mind me stealing her look. ; )

Here is pair #2, which I blogged about two posts ago.  Both earrings I had liked for a long time, and both were inexpensive, and both support fair trade, so everything about them gives me pleasure.  I think these silver ones are a little dressy, so will likely wear them when I am dressing up a little (like for church or meetings).  But that's the point, really--throw on shiny earrings with the same old tops and jeans, and instantly feel a little dressier! ; )

And you can see in this photo one of my favorite, favorite shirts!  I really enjoy my Three Dot three-quarter sleeve shirts--they are excellent quality, 100% cotton, and made in the USA!  They are easy to care for and are holding up well to constant wearing. You can find good deals on them online, but I bought this one full-price at a local shop, and have not regretted it one bit.  I just regret that the manufacturer discontinued this particular neck style, since it is FABULOUS--but will be thankful that I found it in navy and black before they were all gone for good!

I have a really hard time finding jeans that fit me. I'm hippy, but yet still fairly slim overall, and fairly tall.  This was my first time trying GAP jeans, and they are very comfortable, but I have to cinch them up a lot at the waist to keep them from giving me a baggy butt.  I normally only buy jeans at ROSS or Goodwill (local friends, the last time I was there, the one downtown had the best selection of jeans I have ever seen, and they're like $8!), but would be willing to try out a store label if any of you have recommendations.  Just keep in mind I ain't spending no hundred bucks on some fancy-schmancy "supposed to make any woman look like a goddess" jeans.  About $40 is my limit, and even then I'll look for a great deal online. ; )

1st morning of Spring Break, a little stressed and depressed

Sigh.

It is the first morning of Spring Break.  Not actually that big of a deal around here, since we will be doing school all week (we had our semi-relaxing week was last week), but there is no Monday school today, so the kids can stay in bed as long as they want, which does make it feel like vacation. The book Sunny is reading aloud to her sisters (by choice) in their bed is about the San Francisco earthquake of 1906. (Ok, I can't help but smile about that. My kids find all books interesting, and don't think twice about reading "educational" books on a vacation day.  I love it.)

But otherwise,  I am just not feeling many smiles this morning. I'm a little too down.  Yesterday was somehow a really "off" day, interpersonally, and while most of the odd/unusual/unpleasant/negative interactions I had were resolved quickly, there are two still hanging over me this morning. And I have so many fun things to share with you, things I wanted to blog about this past weekend and just did not quite have a chance to, but how can I when I am a little stressed and depressed?

But I want to--and likely need to, to help me get out of this little blue funk. So I thought I would first share the things weighing me down, to see if it would be cathardic, and then move on to the things that are light-hearted. (Because, in a weird way, it feels way more vulnerable to share the light-hearted stuff with you than it does to share the heart-heavy stuff.)

The first thing is that yesterday I inadvertently hurt the feelings of a friend. It was a clumsy mistake that I was completely open about, but she took it hard, and as far as I know has not forgiven me.  This is really hard for me, on several levels.  I am a people-pleaser by nature, and really take it to heart when people are not pleased with me.  And I realized yesterday how overwhelmingly blessed I am by having in my life so many very loving people who are overall so supportive of me (including this friend), and who either don't see my flaws or are quick to overlook/forgive them.  (I think they are likely a gift straight from heaven to compensate for the huge amount of criticism and negativity I  have received over the years from my MIL.)  This friend is a really sweet woman with a really generous nature, but she was offended by my stumble in a way that went really deep, farther than the extent of her previous friendly feelings towards me.  I think she felt betrayed. 

And of course I never meant to hurt her in the first place--not at all!--and so knowing I hurt a friend and knowing I am not forgiven is really weighing on me, ever since the conversation we had yesterday morning.  I tried to write out the whole explanation of my mistake to her in an email, since I am MUCH better communicating when I can chose my words carefully (it was my poor face-to-face communication that got me in trouble, so I just knew a phone call would be another minefield of potential mishap!), but I think she needs time to think and pray and I am praying too that God softens her heart towards me and helps her to see I was just momentarily an idiot, and this is not any deeper than that.

And she is one of my friends IRL who usually reads my blog too, although I assume she won't come by until she has forgiven me.  I hope when she does come around and reads my words here, she will know my apologies were heartfelt.  (Hello, friend--thank you in advance for forgiving me. : )

ANYWAY, the way I felt all day yesterday--and am still feeling today--has also been an interesting opportunity for me to reflect upon that whole identity thing again, and to consider how much I *think* I am rooted in Christ, until something happens that shakes me down to the core.  And so I think that is why I *have* to let this issue go today, heart-wise.  I care very much about this friend and how she is feeling right now, but I should not care so much about what she is thinking about me.  I made a mistake, but that's not a sin, and I have extended my sincere apology and my desire for a restored relationship, so I have nothing to be ashamed of before the Lord.  And last night, when I felt the angst really mounting in me, I went back and re-read the email I had sent and was content that yes, it was as good as I could do.  So the issue now is not that I have not done my part to make amends, but that my friend needs time to process her feelings, which is completely fine. BUT if I am obsessing about this, letting myself be depressed because of what one person thinks of me, isn't that another form of self-centeredness, of self-idolization?  It's like me once again gauging my worth through how I am viewed by people, and not by God.  And staying depressed is staying focused on myself, and my feelings, and not God and His truth. 

And hey, writing that WAS a little cathardic.  I don't want to be so insecure--I want to be rooted in God and confident in who I am because of Jesus, someone forgiven of all my sins, someone washed clean, someone who can love others at all only because of the divine outpouring of love given to me, someone whose weakness perfectly highlights the strength of God.  I want to be able to see my sins, my missteps, but not let them define me, not let them re-align me.   I want to be able to see them, respond to them appropriately, and then hand them over to Jesus, who died on a cross to release me from them. 

Holding onto my mistakes, mulling over them, letting them rule me--even for a day--is like telling Jesus his sacrifice was not enough.

What FREEDOM I have because of Jesus. 

And now I am bawling, and smiling. And the sun is shining in, and I can barely type for the tears.

OK, Spring BREAK has now officially begun.



(More FUN posting to come!)