It is the first morning of Spring Break. Not actually that big of a deal around here, since we will be doing school all week (we had our semi-relaxing week was last week), but there is no Monday school today, so the kids can stay in bed as long as they want, which does make it feel like vacation. The book Sunny is reading aloud to her sisters (by choice) in their bed is about the San Francisco earthquake of 1906. (Ok, I can't help but smile about that. My kids find all books interesting, and don't think twice about reading "educational" books on a vacation day. I love it.)
But otherwise, I am just not feeling many smiles this morning. I'm a little too down. Yesterday was somehow a really "off" day, interpersonally, and while most of the odd/unusual/unpleasant/negative interactions I had were resolved quickly, there are two still hanging over me this morning. And I have so many fun things to share with you, things I wanted to blog about this past weekend and just did not quite have a chance to, but how can I when I am a little stressed and depressed?
But I want to--and likely need to, to help me get out of this little blue funk. So I thought I would first share the things weighing me down, to see if it would be cathardic, and then move on to the things that are light-hearted. (Because, in a weird way, it feels way more vulnerable to share the light-hearted stuff with you than it does to share the heart-heavy stuff.)
The first thing is that yesterday I inadvertently hurt the feelings of a friend. It was a clumsy mistake that I was completely open about, but she took it hard, and as far as I know has not forgiven me. This is really hard for me, on several levels. I am a people-pleaser by nature, and really take it to heart when people are not pleased with me. And I realized yesterday how overwhelmingly blessed I am by having in my life so many very loving people who are overall so supportive of me (including this friend), and who either don't see my flaws or are quick to overlook/forgive them. (I think they are likely a gift straight from heaven to compensate for the huge amount of criticism and negativity I have received over the years from my MIL.) This friend is a really sweet woman with a really generous nature, but she was offended by my stumble in a way that went really deep, farther than the extent of her previous friendly feelings towards me. I think she felt betrayed.
And of course I never meant to hurt her in the first place--not at all!--and so knowing I hurt a friend and knowing I am not forgiven is really weighing on me, ever since the conversation we had yesterday morning. I tried to write out the whole explanation of my mistake to her in an email, since I am MUCH better communicating when I can chose my words carefully (it was my poor face-to-face communication that got me in trouble, so I just knew a phone call would be another minefield of potential mishap!), but I think she needs time to think and pray and I am praying too that God softens her heart towards me and helps her to see I was just momentarily an idiot, and this is not any deeper than that.
And she is one of my friends IRL who usually reads my blog too, although I assume she won't come by until she has forgiven me. I hope when she does come around and reads my words here, she will know my apologies were heartfelt. (Hello, friend--thank you in advance for forgiving me. : )
ANYWAY, the way I felt all day yesterday--and am still feeling today--has also been an interesting opportunity for me to reflect upon that whole identity thing again, and to consider how much I *think* I am rooted in Christ, until something happens that shakes me down to the core. And so I think that is why I *have* to let this issue go today, heart-wise. I care very much about this friend and how she is feeling right now, but I should not care so much about what she is thinking about me. I made a mistake, but that's not a sin, and I have extended my sincere apology and my desire for a restored relationship, so I have nothing to be ashamed of before the Lord. And last night, when I felt the angst really mounting in me, I went back and re-read the email I had sent and was content that yes, it was as good as I could do. So the issue now is not that I have not done my part to make amends, but that my friend needs time to process her feelings, which is completely fine. BUT if I am obsessing about this, letting myself be depressed because of what one person thinks of me, isn't that another form of self-centeredness, of self-idolization? It's like me once again gauging my worth through how I am viewed by people, and not by God. And staying depressed is staying focused on myself, and my feelings, and not God and His truth.
And hey, writing that WAS a little cathardic. I don't want to be so insecure--I want to be rooted in God and confident in who I am because of Jesus, someone forgiven of all my sins, someone washed clean, someone who can love others at all only because of the divine outpouring of love given to me, someone whose weakness perfectly highlights the strength of God. I want to be able to see my sins, my missteps, but not let them define me, not let them re-align me. I want to be able to see them, respond to them appropriately, and then hand them over to Jesus, who died on a cross to release me from them.
Holding onto my mistakes, mulling over them, letting them rule me--even for a day--is like telling Jesus his sacrifice was not enough.
What FREEDOM I have because of Jesus.
And now I am bawling, and smiling. And the sun is shining in, and I can barely type for the tears.
OK, Spring BREAK has now officially begun.
(More FUN posting to come!)
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