The Last Princess Party

I've noticed a lot of bloggers taking breaks, or writing less than normal--does that happen every summer?  Well, for me it is just that I got busy and I lost my words all at the same time.  The busy was nothing special--just having DH's parents visit, and finally starting some home-improvement and cleaning projects, and jumping back into summer school for a few weeks.  Really nothing all that interesting to share. Time is just slipping by so quickly--I can't believe the summer is halfway over! As for the losing the words--I dunno, it just seemed like there were plenty of thoughts in my head, but none worth writing down. And I've still been kinda tired--not quite over the hardness of this past Spring.

But we did do one really fun thing since I last wrote, that is totally worth sharing:

The Happy birthday girl, flanked by the twin daughters of my dear Becky.

The third and final Princess birthday party!  "Princess" has been the theme for all 3 girls' 8th birthdays, and each one has been different, all good in different ways--but this one was my favorite.  Happy turned eight the first week of July, and we planned a party outdoors at a local park.  Really nothing fancy--just good friends and imagination!  Of course we invited all our friends to come dressed up as princesses, and it was so fun to see how many of the girls went international.  We raided our dress-up collection--in other words, did not purchase a thing you see in these pics--and I think the costumes all turned out so great!

Maid Sunny, wearing the Madrigal costume my mother made for my elder sister Rebecca back in high school, with vintage costume jewelry we inherited from my grandmother and friends.

Merry-san, in the kimono and clogs my mother received as a gift from a Japanese pen-pal back in the 1950's.  We inherited it last summer, when I was helping my parents sort through their house in preparation for moving--also when we brought the Madrigal costumes and prom dresses and all kinds of other fantastic dress up back with us to CA. 

Prince Smiley--um, Serious 

 

 

We had the party at 6:00 p.m. so that Daddy could come after work, and so I did not have to actually have real food to serve (although a friend sweetly brought chips and salsa to add to the table).  Happy had decided she wanted a white, three-tiered wedding cake for her birthday party.  I decided since the party was going to be so simple, that I was up for the challenge!  I made a three-tiered "Boston Crème Pie," which was the favorite kind of cake my mother used to make for our birthdays when we were kids.  It's basically a sweet white cake with custard layers--mmmmm.  I had no clue how to transport it frosted, though, so I gave it a quick whipped-cream frosting there at the park. 

I suggested fruit to go on the cake, and those she picked ended up rather patriotic--appropriate for the week.  So the final product is not exactly wedding-ish, and is not even all that pretty, but I was just glad it was structurally sound! 

 

 

With the cake we served wedding punch--raspberry sherbet and ginger ale.  Happy and I together made a berry ice-ring to float in the middle. Looking at it now, I think I put the ring in upside down.  But it complemented the cake--and made the birthday girl feel special, which was the goal.

 

 

Traditional birthday activity--reading a story.  This one is called The Seeing Stick, and makes me cry every time I read it. Yes, including at the party. Good thing I had so many eager readers to help me finish. : )

 



 



Becky's girls Miss C and Miss K knew Happy would be wearing this princess dress, which my mother had made for Sunny years back--and so they sewed a dress for Happy's Addy doll to match!  How adorable and clever is that?!

 

 

I just love all the candid girl moments going on.

The party consisted of four simple activities: princess/prince "portraits" (I took everyone's pictures to share with the mommies later), the story reading, then food, then princess charades.  The charades were so cute--the girls had to act out different princesses/queens for us to guess.  And while we did have plenty of Disney princess in there, we also threw in famous characters like Sara Crewe (The Little Princess), and The Princess and the Pea, Esther, The Queen of Hearts, Princess Buttercup (The Princess Bride), and Queen Susan (The Narnia Chronicles). 

I have really enjoyed these themed birthday parties that became tradition, so each girl got to have one of her very own--so far the "Fairies in the Forest Teaparty" at age 5-6, and the "Princess" party at age 8.  DH is adamant that Smiley will not be a Fairy in any Forest, so I'm going to see if he and Smiley will go for a Wood Elves party--as in Tolkien--instead!  ; )  Normally the child's first party comes his or her kindergarten year, which would mean this September, but I'm thinking Smiley will be getting his first party next Fall, because I just can't pull off three parties in as many months!  Because you see, Sunny turned 12 last November, so she is overdue for her party, which I just could not pull off during the school year--because she is dreaming of a pioneer themed party, and sleeping outside in a "covered wagon" and me cooking a dinner of beans and cornbread and then a breakfast of flap jacks the next morning, all over an open fire! We'll see what we can pull off for this party later this summer . . ; )

Picturing unity and harmony--and questioning privacy

Finally, we have had a week of summer!  A week where we were home, without significant obligations except playdates with friends.  A week where we got to relax a little, and start to dream about what to do with out time for the rest of the summer.  A week of truly hot weather so that our little icebox got to live up to what it was built for--a just-right respite from the heat!

We started out this summer with a whirlwind of travel and company, and then went camping last weekend with a bunch of families from church--which was AWESOME.  If I had photos I would try to share it all with you, but even though we took our camera we never thought to get it out!  I guess that means we were fully immersed in the relaxed fun of every minute.

Big Basin State Park camping 2013--a new annual tradition (I hope!)

I will say one thing about why that weekend was so great--the people.  I don't think we would have had the same experience with different people. Nobody was uptight, no one had an agenda, no one put emotional stock into anyone else's choices.  Saturday night some people put their kids to bed early, and some people didn't, but nobody tried to get anybody else to go along with their own ideas of what was best for the kids--even those people with little ones did not try to make everyone else shush around the campfire, you know what I mean?  I realized that people just being themselves, and being ok with other people being themselves is what unity is about.  (And let's face it--us all being pretty similar overall in how we parent/live makes it a whole lot easier.) It is peaceful--it is fun.  It is what God has called us to be as a church body.  I loved seeing that play out in the real world!

Well, ok, camping is not exactly the real world.  But you know how camping kinda brings out who we really are?  When no one is wearing makeup and nobody had the greatest night's sleep and the kids are running amok and maybe not doing that well with the big changes in routine--and it was all just so grace-filled. 

This is not the first time recently I have experienced such wonderment at peaceful interactions in close quarters with other people:  while helping my parents start settling into their new house I had a similar revelation.  Carrying things into the house and helping unpack them was so much fun partly because nobody was uptight.  Nobody was stressed, or worried that we weren't handling things correctly, or frustrated that we might put something in the wrong place--we were trusted to be careful and ask questions, and my parents are just not the kind of people to fuss over little things, so I'm sure if they saw something put in the wrong place they would either ask us to put it elsewhere or make a metal note to move it later.  There was no "right way" to do things--and so then how could any of us be "wrong"?

My mother was a little blue, since she was missing their wonderful home and the town and people they loved back in IL, but she never turned those feelings into something that would hurt others.  In fact, she thought about them, and then shared with the rest of us how the move was reminding her of when they had to clear our her own mother's house after she died--thereby turning the negative feelings and thoughts inside of her into a bonding moment with her family. 

In start contrast is all the moving experiences we have had with DH's family.  We have been in the moving process with DH's parents several times now.  DH's father was so sweet to drive out to IL when DH and I got married and help take things back to CO.  They helped when we moved from our little apartment into our first home there in CO  (they also had helped us look for houses).  Then we helped them pack up their things when they moved their large household goods from CO out here to CA.  Then a few years later when we were going to come out to CA as well, they first helped DH clean the rental house we would be moving into and then orchestrated our move (we let them because they wanted to and we figured they were the experts, having been a military family and thus moving every few years all during DH's growing up) and even flew out to CO to drive the moving van and help us unload on the other end.  (I've mentioned it before--they go ALL OUT when they think their kids need them!)

But all of those times were also fairly unpleasant and stressful for everyone involved, and our big move from CO so much so that it became a major turning point in our relationship (in a very good, albeit very painful way).  So when we decided to buy this house (after renting elsewhere for the first 2 years) we chose not to even tell his parents about it--knowing they would hate the house and it would just lead to another big interpersonal mess.  Of course it was just postponing the inevitable, but we imagined the fallout would be less if the deed were done, and if it did not appear we were expecting their help/blessing with the move.  So actually they found out about the new house and the move when they wanted to go camping Labor Day weekend that year and we had to say, um, actually we are closing on our new house and moving in that weekend.  It was not at all a mature way to handle it, and we would do it a lot differently now--but I think that just goes to show how shell-shocked we were from how negative and stressful the previous moving/house-getting experiences had been. And then they still came down even after the shock--and the hurt--of us purposefully leaving them out of such an important life decision, helped with some cleaning, and then voluntarily left their motorhome with us so that we could live in it while we were painting the ceiling and refinishing the floors, and offered to take our then-toddlers Sunny and Merry back with them to Chico for a week so we could work most productively.

DH's parents are at their hearts such good people.  They only want the best for their kids, and they are willing to sacrifice enormously for their kids.  They put their money/time/energy/labor where their mouths are.  There is so much I want to commend them for!  So that's what makes it all the harder when the interpersonal dysfunction then twists all those good loving instincts into a weapon of discord. : (

ANYWAY, I realized there at my parents' new house with my sister and her family and my parents all working in harmony--it does not have to be hard.  It does not have to be stressful (I mean for those helping--I am sure my parents had their stresses!).  People can just come alongside one another and help each other, love each other in practical ways, and it can be pleasant and even fun.  I felt appreciated and helpful--instead of constantly chastised and fearful.  My best was good enough--and somehow that awareness just made me want to actively love them even more.  (I really need to figure out where I should apply this concept to my own parenting--and to my relationship with my MIL.)

I am so glad I had that time with my family working in harmony, and that time with the big group of families living (even if just rustically for a weekend) in harmony.  It is so good to be reminded--in a summer when we will undoubtedly be spending a lot of time with DH's parents--that it is possible.  And that it feels so good.  So God.  I hope that when we are with DH's parents we can contribute some of that relaxed, positive energy to the family time, and maybe even help remind them that such a dynamic is possible. : )

I realize I have been writing about my MIL a lot recently--way more than I ever have before!  And more intimately too--which gives me new reason to consider the appropriateness of doing so on a public blog.  I have always tried to write things that are true, that are not disrespectful, that I could say to my MIL's face.  But my recent writings really start to blur that line--I have been more critical, I think, and have been analyzing her, speculating about possible inner thoughts and expectations.  Whatever I write is not really about MIL, it is about me and whatever I need to know/can figure out to help make things better between us.  Whatever little glimpses I think the Holy Spirit is giving me into what is truth, or folly, or hubris, or self-fulfilling prophecy.  Most of all what He is teaching me about Love, and laying down myself fully.  My MIL is my thorn and my foil--clearly one of the most effective tools God is using to shape me into the creation He wants me to be.  I am sincerely thankful for her, in that regard, and trust completely that God is going to take us somewhere really good together!  So when I write about the things that happen that I am struggling with, or that I am learning from, it is just part of making sense of the journey. 

So with the big picture of my desire for growth and healing and restoration in mind, I think writing and sharing such things is ok.  I don't think it is slanderous, or disrespectful.  But that's different than it being wise.  So, I'm wondering if I should make this blog private.  Right now the settings are such that anyone who knows the blog name can find it, but search engines should not be pulling it up for random word hits.  That really narrows down the possibilities of MIL stumbling upon it accidentally.  I don't have this blog shown on my blogger profile, and am careful never to leave a link anywhere MIL might find it.  But we have had a few scares--like the time my sweet sister Rebecca wanted to share a post I had written on facebook.  Oh, I was flattered!  But that whole "friend of a friend" thing was too risky, so I had to ask her to remove it.  And my Blogspot address is very similar to my email address, so I have found that just by searching for the beginning of my email address with "blog" you can find this blog.  That is a little too close for comfort.

The only reason not to be private is so that I can easily invite others to come visit--how do you casually invite someone to stop by a private blog?  Being a regular visitor on so many other blogs, I really want them to be able to stop by my blog too, if they so desire, so they can "meet" the person who may very well be commenting on their personal life journey.  Then it feels like we are part of a supportive online community, a sort of family, and I'm not some faceless stalker.  (Well, ok, technically I am faceless on the sidebar, but that's because everything else about my blog represents me better than my face ever would!)

As always, I appreciate your kind advice. 

I promise I will have other things to share besides MIL musings next week!  Even if I don't, I'll post random pics or something. ; )  I hope you are all having a great weekend, wherever you are!

A favorite memory with MIL from last weekend

That weekend on Saturday when we got home from the martial arts event, I had a moment of decision:  with the kids playing in the backyard and the menfolk talking about some project outside, it was just me and MIL in the house together.  She was in the living room with her touchpad and facebook, and I knew I could find reason to occupy myself elsewhere and look productive.  Or I could purposefully go be with my MIL.  As you know from that last post, MIL and I had had a few tense moments that day, and as I confessed, I was in a heart-weary and wary place.  I was not sure where conversation alone would take us, and I knew it could get ugly, and quickly.  But I also knew that if I chose to be busy elsewhere, I would be sending a clear message to MIL that I did not want to be with her, or that I was uncomfortable being alone with her.   And that I certainly did not want to do.  So I made tea for both of us, and headed into the lion's den the living room.

But then I got the idea of downloading photos from our morning and putting them on facebook--the perfect activity to give me reason to be in near proximity to MIL so our sharing space would not seem forced or artificial.  And it was so much more comfortable to have something to be doing so that we did not have to be talking every moment, or even looking at one another, but just comfortably seem like we were sharing a moment of life together.  MIL was very interested in this activity too, and told me which photos and videos I should put on fb.  So I put more things on fb than I normally would have, but hey! glad to do it as a relationship-building activity with MIL. And since I was having to use GIMP to alter the files first, and since fb was having some fits about loading things even after they were resized, the activity took almost 2 hours, so that worked out really well for spending the rest of the afternoon with MIL while looking busy at the same time.

But here's what I wanted to mention specifically:  you all will likely remember the whole long hair controversy I was writing about earlier this month.  Well, while MIL and I were sitting there in the living room together, she brought it up again.  This leads me to believe that MIL must have been as dissatisfied as I was with how those previous interactions went.  But this time, it did not feel like an attack--it actually felt like a conversation.  And it completely affirmed to me what I wrote earlier about MIL sometimes saying negative sounding things with the intention of relationship building.  So she said all the same things, but in a less confrontational way, and I was able to ask questions about why she felt that way and try to affirm her right to her own opinion, but also affirm our own stance on the matter.

And it was completely fascinating, by the way.  She told me that by the time she was 12 she was doing her own hair and wearing makeup and had a boyfriend.  And I asked her, "Are you saying that was a good thing?"  And she said yes, of course.  And so I asked, "And are you saying you would really want your grand-daughter to be wearing makeup and having a boyfriend at age 12?"  And she said yes, of course.  The conversation went in a different direction from there, but the gist of it was, as far as I can interpret it: MIL really, really wants her grand-daughters (and likely me too, although this conversation was about them) to look like everyone else.  She is really uncomfortable with us being so anti-establishment.  She did, however, acknowledge that we may fit into Santa Cruz really well. ; )

So, anyway, the overall tone of that time together was one of sharing and communicating.  And she even told me about first meeting FIL while she was engaged to another guy and that whole story was amazing to hear, not only because MIL was actually sharing something personal about herself and her past, which I love, but also because I could extrapolate so much about her ways of thinking from the story.  I'm not saying I'm correct in my theories, but it's fun (and I hope even helpful) to make them.  For example, MIL is such a strong, dominant personality and yet insists that she only married FIL because he wouldn't leave her alone and because her parents wanted her to.  This particular aspect of the story was not just revealed in private on Saturday--no, she posits this several times a year, always in the presence of her children, grand-children, and spouse.   I can only assume that either she is not telling what was really in her heart and mind at the time--and in that case, why insist instead upon a version that sounds so negative, and paints her in such a passive role?--or she is telling what really happened, and then does that explain anything about our current interpersonal/familial dysfunction?  And why say it so frequently, and in front of the very people who it could potentially hurt the most?  FASCINATING.  And potentially helpful to consider. 

Oh--and when she repeated it Saturday night at dinner, and I think my kids really heard her for the first time, Smiley said emphatically, with a smile, "Thank you, Opa, for not leaving Oma alone!"  We all burst out laughing. Oh, my sweet and wise little boy!

So, I just wanted to tell you all about that nice couple of hours MIL and I shared last Saturday.  It just goes to show that when I am trusting God, and not letting fear rule me, then good things have a chance to happen.  Even if things had gone in the opposite direction, I fully believe the Holy Spirit would have helped me handle them with love and grace--it was one of those times He was nudging me and saying, Trust me.  

Mashup of all things last weekend

I can't believe it is Friday again.  Oh, how this summer is flying by!  This week flew by particularly quickly, and so I'm just now finishing the post I started last Monday.  It's a jumble of weather, work, worries and whatnot--all the things that were part of last weekend, when my in-laws visited again.  And it's full of mental processing of what I'm learning through it all.  In other words, you have been warned. ; )

Overall the weekend went well.  The weather started out terribly and Saturday morning at the outdoor martial arts promotion the temp was in the upper 50's/lower 60's and we were shivering under fog so moisture-laden it was spitting tiny droplets.  But after a few hours, the sun burned through and the day turned beautiful--and we all got a little sunburned. Sigh.  I mention these little incidences because weather is one of those things certain people always complain about when they come visit us, as if cold fog in summer is the result of our foolish home-buying decisions, and visible signs of too much sun is a poor reflection on my ability to make wise choices for the well-being of my children.  But actually, MIL started out the weekend very well regulated, so that even the terrible weather and mild sunburns did not lead to painful conversations.  In fact, MIL was very patient and gracious with everything on Saturday, and--interpersonally speaking--we had a lovely day, all day! 

The three girls before the official event started. 

Each new black belt is escorted down to the front by a higher-ranking belt.

 

Sunny was escorted by a young man who also leads classes, and is one of her favorite instructors.

Receiving the new belt from Master Jin, the man who brought Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean Mixed Martial Arts) to the States.

Congratulations to the new first degree black belts!

Sunny with her two favorite instructors.

Sunny did well with her part in the black belt demonstrations, performing her sword form and leaping off of other people to break boards with kicks.  Tough little girls are so cute, and we are very proud of her.   Merry is one step behind her older sister, and will likely earn her black belt at the Winter promotions.  And then Happy is already one step behind that, so will earn hers sometime in the next couple of years.  Smiley will start martial arts sometime this next year, since he will be in kindergarten!  I can't believe it--my little guy getting so big.

random cute photo of Smiley, since we did not get any of him this past weekend. This was taken at Easter up at my in-laws'

So that was Saturday.  Sunday we went to church and it was another gorgeous day, so afterwards we went out to a restaurant on the Santa Cruz wharf and then lounged on the beach for a few minutes and then headed the scenic route home, driving as much as possible along the coast to enjoy the ocean views.  But by the time we arrived back home, when most of the afternoon was gone, MIL was starting to lose her patience.  You see, she is always conflicted when they visit us--in her mind, how can we "goof off" when there is so much work needing to  be done around our house and property?  So what we see as positive, good and even necessary family relaxation time, she sees as a waste of time.  And that starts to make her anxious, and then negative.   So MIL was a trooper on Saturday, not complaining about how we were "wasting" time, even when we lingered after the promotion event was over to play at the playground and explore a nearby creek.  But then Sunday, after we had "wasted" that whole day too, it was just too much, and after dinner when the kids were in bed and the grownups were chatting in the living room, things got negative. 

I can really understand MIL's frustration.  DH and I bought this little shack house with the intentions of fixing it up and even adding on.  In fact, we jumped right into the improvements as soon as it was officially ours, and in the first few weeks made it so much more attractive and livable.  But when we started looking into the bigger projects, and realized how expensive it is to do any remodeling in this county because of the required permits and reports, and how much of a headache it will all be because nothing about our house currently meets code, we lost momentum.  For example, permission to replace ONE interior window without enlarging or otherwise altering the wall opening is several hundred dollars, and we would be required to bring the entire wall of that window up to code, which would mean architect drawings for new framing, retroactive permits for the electrical outlets that DH and FIL have been replacing, and who knows what else.  So, suddenly replacing one window ends up costing thousands of dollars, even if we are doing the work ourselves.  (It is cheaper to install a lot of windows at once, because you can add additional windows on to the first permit for a lot less money, but that is completely unfeasible for us, given the requirement to bring the window walls up to code--essentially, that would mean rebuilding our whole little house!)  It makes me so mad, because it is clear the overzealous rules favor new construction and big budgets, and are elitist at their core.

Ok, rant over.  But I'm sure you can imagine how frustration and financial limitations could lead to despondency, and then to apathy, which is where I think my Dear Husband has remained for several years now.  We started out well after buying the house, but there was so much to do, and then that good home-improvement momentum failed, and now it has been quite a while since DH's parents have seen any real improvements to the property, and pretty much anywhere you look around the house and yard there are numerous half-completed projects, problems and eyesores begging for attention, which we seem to have just forgotten about or have resigned ourselves to live with as-is.  Like the falling-over front fence.  The gaping hole around the fireplace where the soapstone surround will be someday.  The cracked bathroom sink without a working "cold" tap.  The shoplight clamped to a curtain rod in the bedroom in lieu of a hardwired fixture.  These things we have been fine living with on temporary basis--but when temporary becomes seemingly permanent. . . it is really easy to understand why MIL has a hard time visiting without becoming upset by her surroundings.  She and FIL are can-do, hands-on people, and let me tell you, it is just about killing her that she can't do what she wants with us, and with our space, when she so desperately feels she and FIL can't keep their hands off our projects, if any of them will ever get done.

But what she forgets is that they are our projects.  And that whatever her feelings are, and however strong her desire for resolution, they actually don't matter.  She is psychologically investing herself into things that are not really her concern, and over which she really has no control.  But she has a hard time separating herself, because of course she wants the best for her kids and grandkids--which would be the opposite of what this house is--and because she believes that she and FIL are the only ones who can make the positive changes the house needs.

OK, now this is fascinating for me to be writing, because none of this is what I set out to write.  I was not going to talk about our house and projects at all, but instead the interpersonal aspects of the visit and what God is showing me through them.  But I have just realized that so much of what I just said about MIL directly translates to where I was really going.  Let's see if I can make these connections the least bit coherent. . . .

The bottom line is that we had some really good things happening interpersonally this weekend, but also some returning to old ways of relating, and old stresses.  And my MIL did a good job of letting go of some things, and being patient, and overlooking a lot. . . but then could only go so far.  Still, good for her, and thank you God! 

I think this might be the first weekend where I want to give MIL more credit for keeping the peace than I give myself.  While she did a good job Saturday of letting go of a lot, I had a harder time.  As you might have guessed from my last post before the weekend, I was doing my best to have a good attitude and expect the best of our time with family--and yet was fearful of the less-than-best.  I confess that I was anticipating negativity, and so when it did come, even if briefly, I let myself catch and dwell on it, which of course just made me all the more vulnerable to the next little bit of negativity.  In other words, I was dwelling in a too-weak heart place, and ended up being part of the problem and not the solution.  I can't be too hard on myself about this, as I know I have a bit of PTSD lingering from the worst years of our relationship and it makes me prone to fear and self-protectiveness, but I'm still disappointed.  I know in my head that God is the only One who can actually make things good, who will release me from fear, who will protect me and fill me with all the strength and love I need at any moment to do the hard work of loving fully--but I too easily slip back into that place of interpersonal cowering, distrusting, hiding.

Must remind myself--and that is ok too.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And when I see how my own self-protective instincts don't actually help or  heal anything, I realize all the more how much I need Him. 

So there were a couple of moments Saturday that I allowed little bits of negativity to get to me, and I ended up disheartened and momentarily very upset, even if overall the day went well.  At the time I just tried to pretend on the outside that all was fine, but inside I was in quite a storm.  The one incident I will share with you--because it was the catalyst for God speaking to me--was really quite silly.  For the potluck after the black belt promotions, I had brought our own dishware, utensils, napkins and cups.  It just seemed wise, since there would be a chance that those assigned to bring such things would not bring enough, and I am also moving our family as much as possible towards consuming less plastic, especially single-use plastic like disposable forks and cups.  Well, everyone accepted the plates and cutlery I handed out without comment, but when it came to the cup, well, MIL just put her foot down.  She had no reason to refuse, since I had plenty of cups for everyone, and would have to wash her unused cup anyway when we got home just because it had been carried with the dirty things on the way home.  But she actually turned down the clean cup I was holding out for her, and instead went and got a disposable cup provided by someone else, a cup that then would just go in the trash.  I know she was just taking a stance against what she thinks is an extreme, insidious, liberal Environmentalism that poses as Good Stewardship.  But let's admit, it was also purposefully taking a stance against me personally.  It felt like an insult, like a rejection, just so illogical and purposeful that it made me boil. 

That was the last in a series of small negative flare-ups that morning, and was like the straw that broke the camel's back.  I tried not to show my annoyance, but I am sure MIL was watching for it, and likely picked up a hint.  Those of you who know me IRL will agree that I am pretty much an open book.  So maybe she felt she needed that small victory over me, I don't know--and maybe it helped her be more regulated and gracious the rest of the day.  All I know is that at that moment it made me so indignant I had a hard time getting over it.  But after we left the picnic area and were loading things into the car, I spewed a little of my hurt and anger to my Dear Husband--and as I spoke, I realized the Holy Spirit was nudging me to listen to myself.  And as I did so, I realized I was internalizing my MIL's choice and making it all about me.  Talk about narcissism--and self-defeating foolishness.  Why did MIL's choice to use the disposable cup have anything to do with me?  I was somehow allowing it to define me, when of course the only person it says anything about is MIL. 

Ahhhh, this seems so simple, and yet seems to be such a struggle for me, and in an instant I knew this was key to another struggle I've been asking God for insight into--my parenting.  The two interpersonal issues are intertwined, and now I just need to understand in fullness how, to then better resolve both issues.

The revelation is two-fold:
a) I am too thinned-skinned, so I take in and make part of me whatever negativity I encounter. I absorb rather than deflect.

b) I react rather than respond to interpersonal conflict.  This means I have strong knee-jerk reactions to negativity, quite possibly from a self-protective instinct.

You can see how those two things are related--how they stem from the same place in me, and how they would apply to all kinds of interpersonal relationships.  My parents will be nodding at the first one--my Mother is not one to criticize her children, but she has always told me that I am too sensitive, since I was a kid.  And I have known the second one for a couple of year now in regards to my parenting--but knowing a truth about myself is different than understanding it's full ramifications, and knowing what to do about it.   But I have never before considered how the two are connected--and now with this revelation I feel I am that much closer to freedom from the tyranny of the negative in these two facets of my life! 

Let me just remind everyone reading this--my kids are healthy, normal kids.  Likely much better behaved than many.  So what I have struggled with in my parenting of them is not what they do wrong, but how much of a hard time I have responding to it with grace instead of legalism (b), and how hard it is for me not to take their "failures" to heart as a sign of how I am failing them as a mother (a).

And now here is where the processing comes around to MIL and her unhappiness with our house, and how she is allowing herself to suffer psychologically from her lack of control over us and our house, and how our relationship suffers from her desire for complete control over us and our house.  Just swap out "me" for "MIL" and "my children and their choices" for "us and our house" and you can clearly see the parallel. 

This is not the first time I have realized just how similar my MIL and I are. 

Neither is it the first time I have learned something about myself or my parenting from my relationship with my MIL.

*Now looking over what I've written I wonder--do both a) and b) apply to my MIL as well?  Are these the same things she is doing?!  Are her verbal lashings-out her own self-protective attempts to deflect what she feels is a painful challenge to her own Selfhood?

I am just so thankful that God keeps whispering to me, that He keeps giving me ears to hear and eyes to see.   I hope He will continue to grow and shape me to be the daughter-in-law and parent that He wants me to be.

But now. . . I am still processing those two important ideas.  Since they are still new, I don't really know the fullness of how they are connected and what they ultimately mean.  But I see that understanding whatever is at the heart of those two issues will be the key to building better and stronger relationships with my children and my MIL.  And probably my Dear Husband too!  I have an inkling that the ideas are related to my earlier ponderings on the idea of my identity as Blessed, as a creature defined solely by who I am in Jesus. . . but I don't have the time or brainpower to go there yet.  I need to let the first ideas settle into me, and figure out what to do with them--then I can delve further. 

So there you have it--my imperfectly reasoned, but hopefully clearly-enough articulated thoughts for this week.  I would love to hear your thoughts, if you see some connection I have not yet mentioned, or if you have experience with any of these concepts from your own life!

And in the meantime, I hope you all have long and love-filled weekends, however you will be spending them.

Thoughts for Today, courtesy of Facebook

It's Thursday morning, but I'm already thinking ahead to tomorrow, Friday, because my in-laws are coming down to visit again. 

It's the weekend that Sunny officially receives her black belt in Ho Kuk Mu Sul, the Korean martial arts we practice.  The school (along with its two sister schools in the area) has big Promotion Ceremonies twice a year to give special recognition to the achievements of the higher belts, and so we invited DH's parents to come and see it this time.  After all, MIL has wanted the girls to get their black belts for years now--she hopes a black belt means you can never be attacked by a strange man, which is not true esp. when the black belts are kids, but it is probably helpful.  Most people think a black belt in martial arts means you have reached some big pinnacle of knowledge in the art form and in self-defense--I did too, before we started.  Once you have been doing it for a while you realize that it's more like the process of learning to read.  Everything you learn up through your black belt is like learning your alphabet, and once you reach your black belt it's like being ready finally to start reading. It is really the starting point.  I don't know how long we will do martial arts, or how high the girls will go, but I do know martial arts has been good for Sunny's strength, balance, overall fitness, and she seems to enjoy it.  So it will be fun to celebrate her success, and invite DH's folks to join us in the celebration.

But of course, as you all know, things aren't exactly easy or pleasant with my MIL at the moment.  I'm already feeling that little bit of stress start to rise. . . so I really need to focus on positive things, and ask God to show me what He wants me to be thinking about, and what Truth he wants in my heart and mind.

So it was funny that this morning (yesterday morning, as I'll post this on Friday) when I checked facebook, there were all kinds of interesting and relevant images for my thoughts (and fears) at the moment.  I'm not saying I agree with all of these, but they are good for me to consider today:

from Joel Osteen ministries on fb

attributed to Proverbs 31 Ministries on fb

attributed to Hippy Peace Freaks on fb

Attributed to Inspirational Quotes to Live and Learn on fb

Then too, my morning blog-reading turned up an appropriate piece of Scripture to add to the collection. Eliz shared how she is heart-weary, and suffering from some long-term emotional/verbal abuse, which made this Psalm today feel very personal:

Life is Short
39 I said, “I will be careful how I act
    and will not sin by what I say.
I will be careful what I say
    around wicked people.”
² So I kept very quiet.
    I didn’t even say anything good,
    but I became even more upset.
³ I became very angry inside,
    and as I thought about it, my anger burned.
    So I spoke:
⁴ “Lord, tell me when the end will come
    and how long I will live.
    Let me know how long I have.
⁵ You have given me only a short life;
    my lifetime is like nothing to you.
    Everyone’s life is only a breath. Selah
⁶ People are like shadows moving about.
    All their work is for nothing;
    they collect things but don’t know who will get them.

⁷ “So, Lord, what hope do I have?
    You are my hope.
⁸ Save me from all my sins.
    Don’t let wicked fools make fun of me.
⁹ I am quiet; I do not open my mouth,
    because you are the one who has done this.
¹⁰ Quit punishing me;
    your beating is about to kill me.
¹¹ You correct and punish people for their sins;
    like a moth, you destroy what they love.
    Everyone’s life is only a breath. Selah

¹² “Lord, hear my prayer,
    and listen to my cry.
    Do not ignore my tears.
I am like a visitor with you.
    Like my ancestors, I’m only here a short time.
¹³ Leave me alone so I can be happy
    before I leave and am no more.” (NCV)

And she added:

I thought I'd share in case you too need comfort from this kind of trial.

(((HUGS)))

She was speaking to whomever  happened to stop by, of course.  But I found the timing of my stopping by just too. . . timely.

Thoughts, anyone?  Or your own pithy positive thoughts?  Or more Scripture?  I'll take 'em all!

Sweet (New) Home, Alabama

Rebecca, me and Mother, after a lovely girls' lunch out

I was quiet for a week there for a great reason--I got to fly to Alabama to help my parents move into their new home there!  My parents were loathe to leave their house in Illinois, which they loved (as did their girls!), but various factors made it the wise choice, so now they are settling in to a lovely house in Tuscaloosa, where my elder sister and her family also live.

They closed on the house last Weds. and I arrived that night, so I could be there to help start moving things in on Thursday morning.  I was so glad I could be there, for many reasons. First of all, it was so nice to see my parents again, and visit my sister Rebecca and her family--distance being what it is, my last time visiting Alabama was about nine years ago.  My niece Emily has just graduated from high school, and her younger sister Sarah will follow in another year, and that just proves how quickly the time is passing. So I am very glad I got to spend some time with them before those girls are completely grown up and moved away!  I also really enjoyed seeing how my sister and her family live, where they work, etc--all those little details of life that never get conveyed through phone calls or blog comments.  I have always found it fascinating that my parent's three daughters all grew up and evolved into very different kinds of cooks--our family definitely being the most unusual!--and I really liked getting to sit down and share meals that are a reflection of my sister's family's tastes and their living in the South.  Like hominy grits for breakfast and eating them the traditional Southern way with butter and pepper.  Yum!  (And I am definitely making that mashed potato dish for my kids, Rebecca. And I want to try Chris's fire station green bean dish too--picante sauce and onion flakes, right?)  One highlight was going out to a restaurant on the river and trying fried catfish, fried pickles, hoppin' john (basically black eyed peas and rice) and mustard greens.  All tasty! The last two I mixed together--probably something only a Yank would do--and added a little chopped fresh tomato from my salad and YUM.  I might try that at home too! 

So, the briefly living life with loved ones part was one of best things about the trip.  Then too, Rebecca managed to arrange errands so that we could do "drive by" sightseeing, and I enjoyed those glimpses of history in their town.  Esp. meaningful after our year studying the Civil War still so fresh in my mind.

The Gorgas House, one of the few buildings on the campus that survived burning during the Civil War.  My new fantasy house.

Me and my niece Emily, at Capitol Park, seeing the ruins of the original capitol building, burned during the Civil War.  So so cool!

Finally, it sounds kinda weird to say that actually, the whole helping my parents do some unpacking and settling some things into place into their new home was also one of the highlights of the trip.  But it was--I enjoyed every single minute. As I tried to tell someone afterwards what made helping them so rewarding, I realized a few things:

--One of my spiritual gifts is service, explained at this site: "This gift is a practical gift. Those with the gift of service enjoy doing routine tasks around the church regardless of how they effect others. Those with this gift enjoy menial tasks and do them cheerfully."  It's funny, but the older I get the more I enjoy being behind the scenes, and really enjoy seeing the little things that need doing and just being the one to do it.  (Doing the dishes for our SoulKitchen "Conversations" is a good example.)  So how cool is that, to be using a spiritual gift to help my parents?  No wonder it felt so good.

--One of my love languages is Loving Acts of Service.  It's pretty logical that we naturally show love to others in the ways we would most naturally receive it ourselves, so that means by unpacking boxes and helping furniture find homes in the new spaces I was unconsciously Doing Love.  Now, that may not be one of the love languages of my parents, so I can't assume they were feeling all the same warm fuzzies I was, but it just means *I* was feeling all those warm fuzzies while I worked.  I was infused with Love the whole time.  No wonder it felt good.

(I really enjoyed reading the Love Languages book years ago, and have continued to form my own extrapolations from it over the years--one I'm thinking is pretty clear is a correlation between our love languages and our spiritual gifts.  That would make so much sense, and is true for me!  When we serve = we love. Isn't that just how God would plan it?)

--I think humans are all given the urge to bring chaos into order--part of God's mandate to people in Genesis, and a result of the Fall too, that we are always seeking to "conquer" disorder, and that our hearts long for it.  (Sure, some people don't seem to have that urge--part of the Fall too!)  So it felt so satisfying to be working and see such wonderful and immediate fruits to our labors.  Empty dining room feels a little sad and foreign?  A couple hours later, with long-loved furniture in place and familiar dishes and table linens being stowed in their usual places, ta da!  Room that now starts to feel more welcoming and at peace.

Of course, I work to try to reclaim some semblance of order around this tiny house constantly, but it is always even then still in the process of falling into disorder around me--and it's not nearly as fun to have to do the same habitat restoration over and over and over and over.  So it was fun to put something away and see it stay there!  To make something pretty and have it still be pretty two days later!  No wonder it felt good.

--I think I actually am pretty good at finding appropriate and logical "homes" for things around the house.  Keep in mind I have myself downsized twice, and now live in a home where I am constantly having to make choices about where things should be, and changing the order frequently as the way we live shifts over time and seasons.  So it feels easy to think about such things in general, and to have a big empty house with so many cupboards--a dream come true!  Seriously--we would be in the kitchen trying to figure out where to put something big and then more than once would realize there was a whole cupboard we had forgotten about that was clean and ready to receive things--ah, the ecstasy!  No wonder it felt good.

(Mom and Dad, of course you rearrange things where you want, after you have lived in the house a bit and know what you want.  My goal was to make things logical and easy to use and neat and attractive for the moment, while you are in the transition, so you could easily find things and not mind how something looked until you knew what you really wanted to do with it.)

--I joke sometimes about having mild "OCD" tendencies, but it is a wee bit true.  So organizing things, making things neat, matching things, finding logical homes for things--all make me feel happy inside.  I am not joking.  The moment when I realized I could rearrange two high large cupboards in the kitchen so that I could neatly fit all the big Tupperware pieces in one cupboard over the fridge and the "things that cook or warm food that aren't used more than once a year" in one cupboard over the stove (you see--the cooking things all together in the cupboard over the appliance that cooks?!)  I literally was giddy with joy.  You are welcome to laugh at me.  But it felt REALLY good.

(Parents, you are welcome to move anything in the kitchen to where it best suits you.  But if you go mixing up those two cupboards, just don't tell me. ; )

So, there you have it.  A trip most rewarding in so many ways.  I am so thankful that my Dear Husband let me go and be with my parents and sister's family and help out for a few days. 

Were you wondering what I did with my family during that time?  Well,  my dear Becky hosted my kids for a two-day homeschool "camp" the first couple of days I was gone. . .

Smiley keeping Becky's husband Dan company while he works on that Sunday's sermon  

. . . and then DH worked from home a couple of days, so he could get me to and from the airport.  Before I left I cooked up a whole fridge of food, so they would never be in want, and I don't think they actually missed me. 

But the kids did almost knock me over with their beaming faces and running hugs when they saw me get off the escalator by the baggage claim at the airport.  So, even if I was not missed, they were happy to see me again. : )

All in all, a great week. 

What We've Been Up To--The Abbey Art Show

This series I had been posting got broken up by the unexpected family heart drama, but I want to go back and wrap it up, since I had most of the posts half written and I know my mother and maybe some more of you would like to see the last things I had intended upon sharing. And because my brain gets sad when things are posted too illogically. : )

double-click to embiggen if you care to read about the show's formal objectives and criteria, or if you want to see any of the following art pieces a little closer.

Merry's piece, entitled "New Life on a Spring Day"

Happy's piece, "New Life"

A different view of the piece, to show how the butterflies' wings add a layer of extra dimension 

Sunny's piece, "Morning Has Broken"

The artists the morning of the art show opening, with their pieces behind them

This show was so fun to organize, although it was a lot of work.  This was not just a show for the Vintage Homeschool kids, but for homeschool kids county-wide!  So it also served as a bridge-building event between our church and the un-churched local homeschool community--there were lots of families who participated, and who came to the opening party, who avoid churches and who had never set foot in the Abbey before.  They were all very positive about the experience, so I hope we helped generate some goodwill in the local community.

The artist/teacher who is the Art Director at the Abbey Coffee Lounge (the non-profit coffee shop that is part of our church) is a woman from church with whom I am friendly, so I had asked her last Fall if there would be a possibility of a homeschool art show sometime, and she said we could put up a show for Easter and leave it up the month of April.  So that was another bonus in my mind of the show's timing--the theme "New Life" allowed some of the Christian kids to be natural witnesses by making their art celebrate Easter and what Christ did on the cross for all peoples, but it also allowed kids to have more Spring-ish pieces or other creative interpretations of the theme.

When we were hanging the art, the Art Director said it was the best school show she has seen there.  I was so proud of the kids!  She also commented on how smart it was for me to have the two required elements to the show--the conceptual theme of "New Life" and also a construction theme of "layers"--because it likely led to more thoughtful, exploratory, and purposeful art.  I was so glad to hear that, because that was exactly why I did it.  Knowing the homeschool families who would likely be participating, and how child-led their schooling is, I knew there was a real possibility some kids might scribble with crayons and call it a day and their parents would submit it to the show.  So, I purposefully made the requirements more stringent to keep that from happening, and I was so glad to hear a "real" artist affirm that call.  My decision to use the black matte boards for visual cohesion also worked really well--look at how fabulous and "serious" the kids' works look on that wall!  (There was another whole wall of art as well in the hallway leading to the church offices, but since my kids did not have art on that wall I was not including those pics here.)

This was the first time I ever curated an art show, and it was so rewarding!  To be honest, it was such a hard Spring for me it felt really good to have one thing work out well--to feel like all the time and energy put into something was worth it.  Let's just say, I poured my self into other things this Spring that did not end up being rewarding, and were even a little soul-sucking.  So looking back on this event makes me happy.

(Although I should also say that the whole taking down and parents picking up their art aspect has been a nightmare, involving many hours and much fruitless planning on my part, and it is still not over--there are STILL three pieces of art sitting out in the upstairs church office hallway over the Abbey, which of course I feel still responsible for, and am worried custodians or other church people might end up annoyed over, and which of course I tried to hand over responsibility for to the parents multiple times. . . but even if the parents have had plenty of warning, and the show has been over for a month now, how can I just stick their children's masterpieces in the trash?  Sigh.  Just goes to show there are often a lot more hours of involvement and psychological weight behind one little date on my Spring plan.)

Still, I'll choose to remember just the fun and good in this event. : )  It was so worthwhile.