So many of you have been so sweet to send me emails, or talk to me on the phone, or in person, and let me know how much you love and support me. Thank you! But I also realized in talking with you all that maybe I should not have shared that little vignette as an example--it seems it was way more distressing for the rest of you than it was for me/us. What I mean is, this is not the first time we have heard this anti-long hair tirade. We all knew Oma's feelings about long hair, and so her words were neither very surprising nor very hurtful. I don't think the girls are internalizing the message very much, as the message does not seem to be personal, just about long hair in general and so about all of us in general. (Although I am sure it is a good thing that I too have long hair so the girls don't feel like it is just them on the receiving end--in that way I think I might serve as a good psychological buffer, or strong ally. Of course they look to their parents to know how to take things, and so if DH and I seem unfazed, I think they are usually unfazed too.)
I have also talked before with the girls--and fairly recently too--about how Oma really wants us to be like everybody else, which is true and which shows up in so many different conversations with her. For example, she was very against us homeschooling, and let me know it--until a year or so ago, when she realized there is actually a growing homeschool movement in America, and so many people are writing about the positives of it, and esp. in Christian circles, and I think she was surprised by the fact that everyone who she would tell we were homeschooling would always have a very positive response, usually, "good for you!" So all that slowly did its good work, and now she is proud of us for homeschooling. : ) (No, she has not come out and said it, but I can tell by other things she says.)
So anytime Oma has a difference of opinion about something we say or do, I tell the kids it is perfectly ok for her to feel that way, but it is also perfectly ok for us to go ahead and think or do differently, even if it is not what the rest of the world is doing or what Oma wants us to do. There are times when we do what Oma wants because it is no big deal and is a way we can show love and respect, and there are times when she will want something that we can't say yes to, and she may not like it but that's the way it will be. (And she can deal with it like a grownup or not, but it's not our concern--ok, I don't actually say that last part. ; ) I try to remind the girls that we look to God's Word for direction, and should listen to that before we listen to anyone else--and the Bible tells us that as Christians we will be viewed as fools by the world.
For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like those condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to human beings. We are fools for Christ. . . from 1 Corinthians Chapter 4So we should not be overly concerned with what anyone thinks of us, as long as we are trying to live according to God's desires for us. That's what I hope the girls get from such disagreements with Oma, and maybe they will be stronger for it.
I realized from all your loving but very worried comments to me that you are all worried about my children in their relationship with their Oma, and that was probably good for me to hear. Because you realize I shared that post as an example of what is *normal* and *usual,* not unusual or even all that bad. Even last year a weekend like that would have been hailed a huge success by me and DH! We would have been thrilled at how well it went overall, and how little trouble was stirred up. So, that's the bigger perspective for what I shared--that the long-hair tirade was for us nothing new, nothing all that big, just negative and draining. I forgot that the rest of you have healthy family relationships and you would find such an event unusual and shocking or distressing. Sorry about that! I was originally writing it for moms of kids "from the hard places" who see worse than that everyday and aren't fazed by negative words very easily, and who I was hoping would have some good God-centered coping strategies to share with me. But all your concern gives me reason to step back and re-think about how such negativity might be affecting the kids, because I NEVER want to white-wash sin to them, no matter how much I want to be respectful of my elders, and I NEVER EVER want them to internalize such wrong messages and make lies into their personal truth about themselves.
Jessica, what you said about your own grandmother really hit me--thank you so much for sharing that. I will share that for many years of marriage my relationship with my husband and my own self-worth was negatively affected by MIL's often cruel words and how he would never defend me from them. But God worked me through it, and showed me that He is my defender, my champion, and I can stand tall and not be afraid because He has my back. It is sad that I can't expect my husband to defend me, but he does not defend himself either--it is a lifetime of training, and he also has told me he thinks he and I don't need defending, because we are grownups and are strong enough to handle it. But as I shared in that last post, he was rising up to defend the girls' long hair this past weekend, so his urge to protect his children is there, and I know God is growing him in strength of spirit and in awareness of my needs too. Still, he will not be as aware of what the girls might be feeling as I should be, so thank you for reminding me that I need to be vigilant about that and make sure they know how much I love and support and value and defend them.
(But to also balance that with the truth that such words only hurt if we allow them to--to help my children recognize lies and insecurity and to not have a strong defensive reaction to those things, since they show us the words are not about us as much as they are about the ones who speak them.)
I do sometimes write MIL letters, and shared a couple with you here last year, just because it was so cool to see the Holy Spirit write a letter through me. I wanted to share how awesome He is, and how good and eternally faithful. So maybe it is time for another letter. I have written to MIL about how she says things in front of the girls, but that was a long time ago, so maybe it is time for a revisit of that topic.
Also, I have long suspected MIL of talking badly of us parents behind our backs to our children--because she talks badly about everyone behind their backs. But this past weekend I actually walked into a conversation where it was happening, where MIL was trying to get one of the girls to be upset about something and feel hurt and unloved by me. She was actually trying to feed those ideas into the girls' head, and I heard it. And she did not stop doing it once I was there, which means she thought what she was saying was true and nothing to feel ashamed of saying, and was also trying to send me a message too. But the girls were so great, and just kept saying there was no problem, they didn't think that, that's not what's important, etc. It really warmed my heart, and makes me confident that even when such things are said, the children have enough truth in their hearts and minds that they will not be easily swayed. But it was really good for me to see that, and to hear your words of warning, Jessica, because I will make sure to keep filling them with truth--and I think we will want to talk about that kind of scenario before Oma and Opa have the kids for a week in July.
When I said I was upset by this past weekend and how it went, particularly that long, irrational, unbiblical Sunday morning long-hair rant, what I meant was things have been so miraculously good for the past 6-8 months, and so I don't want them to regress. Now, the truth is I did not do anything to make it better--I'm just being the same old me, and God did something in MIL and gave me the wisdom to nurture it, and it was beautiful. So, I have to rationally conclude that if things slipped back a bit to old patterns of relating, then I did not do anything (intentional) to make them worse and God is STILL doing something in MIL and I just want Him to continue to give me wisdom to nurture it. Because actually, I *have* done something to "make" MIL revert a little--DH and I have made some choices this summer that she is not happy about. So this just proves that whatever healing we had achieved during our quiet and smooth phase will need to be strengthened if it is to endure the ripples of life. In other words, MIL has learned (hopefully) that she can be free to love us in all the I Corinthians Chapter 13 fullness of the word when we are doing what she doesn't mind us doing. Now she just needs to learn, by the insight provided by the Holy Spirit, that she can also, still love us in that same fullness when we are doing what she does mind.
All this listening to you all, and thinking, and talking with some of you, and now the writing it all down has been so fruitful! Because now I am not discouraged at all. She is in a process of learning, and I should not be saddened and upset by the apparent regression, but encouraged--because God's love never fails, and it appears she does have a heart for choosing to let go and allow the Holy Spirit to take over and love through her--that's why things were so great for a while. So if she has that heart, I must be patient--long-suffering--and trust the Good work of the Holy Spirit and not stop hoping, not stop believing we can get to a better place in our relationship. This bump in the road had to happen for us to have continued growth. It is part of all of our learning process, and that is a good thing because it means we are on the way.
Earlier this week my dear Becky and I had a lovely time of lounging in the sunshine sharing our recent lives (since we have both been busy and needed to catch up), and as I related this whole negative mess with her, and was expressing concern for MIL's spiritual and mental health, I suddenly went from being really tense and edgy and negative to being flooded with a hot rush of realization and concern, because it hit me: who else is concerned about MIL's spiritual and mental health. Who else is grieving at her struggles, who else so desires her complete and total healing from whatever is oppressing her spirit.
Very possibly, nobody.
Oh, the horrible, humbling thought! We all get so wrapped up in our own lives, in our own hurts (even in our own petty inconveniences) that we totally forget that the people walking around us are just like us, big messes of complex feelings and unfulfilled desires and insecurities all wrapped up in tender skin. I am the worst offender of this. I can without thought take an hour to blog about my being upset with my MIL--but how much time do I spend praying for her? I do pray for her, but it is in snatches, and usually only when I'm suddenly being affected. In other words, when she becomes about me. (palm to face)
We are heading up to see them for this long weekend. It may very well be a very long weekend! But I am so thankful now for where God has me--that He has reminded me of the power of prayer, of the Power of His Spirit to overcome and to guide; that I must not let sin and negativity overwhelm me but must keep my eyes on His Truth; that through Him all things are made new; that He has put MIL and I together for His Good Purpose, and I should not fear; that MIL is his precious daughter as well as I am.
I Corinthians Ch. 4 the author Paul continued:
When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment. . . . Therefore I urge you to imitate me.
If he could do it, through God's grace, then so can I. : )
And finally, here's the verse God gave me this morning when I went looking for some insight and encouragement as I have not been looking forward to this weekend:
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
(Hebrews 4:16)
(Hebrews 4:16)
It was from a great devotional I found online (I usually read straight from by codex, but thought I would try something new this morning--that and apparently I just can't get off the computer this week) you can check out here, if you want. It was exactly what I needed this morning!
So, thank you again for your kind and thoughtful and loving words. I got some insight that I needed, I got some loving which I probably also needed. It appears the moms I originally wrote this hoping to get some wisdom from either had nothing to share, or my "troubles" seem so small compared to theirs, or their lives were too full this week for writing. Does not matter! I am trusting that God took me exactly where he wanted me, and those who did speak are the ones who were supposed to. : )
Much love to you all! Thank you for helping make this blog such a safe and loving space, and thank you for sharing life with me a little this week.
May you all have blessed weekends!
P.S. *I do know some of you friend, family, readers pray for me and MIL--thank you for every prayer! God used the extreme idea of "nobody" caring for her, praying for her just to get my attention. I don't know who prays for her on a weekly or even daily basis, who just prays for her own self (and not what we all want her to stop doing!), but I trust that some people do that I don't know about. If anyone feels led to pray for me, for her, for us, for this weekend, for the girls--bring it on as the Lord leads you! But I'm also not asking for any of you to take up any obligation either. Those of us who are praying people should always just ask God to show us who to pray for--and this time, boy did He show me!
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