following up on the follow up

Just to wrap-up the whole hair drama/relating with MIL postings:

This past weekend when we visited DH's family was pretty good.  MIL was overall in a good mood, so things overall went well. 

But the funniest thing happened Sunday morning:  DH came in while I was getting the girls ready for church and said his mom had said she wanted Sunny to wear her hair down to church "because it would be quicker."  Yes, after that whole tirade the previous Sunday about stringy, ugly long hair down--oh, and I forgot to tell you the best bit, that most cultures of the world view long hair as a sign of a loose woman (a play on the saying true to many cultures, "loose hair, loose woman")--MIL was actually telling DH she wanted Sunny to have her hair down for church.  The truth is, MIL wants her grand-daughters to look like everybody else and does not like it when we braid their hair like we often do, because that is somehow dorky and old-fashioned and not what all the other girls do with their hair.  But I really had to restrain myself from reminding her of her own words from the weekend before.  ; ) 

And that was just one more reminder that nothing with MIL is ever what it seems at face value.  God gave me some insight into that too:

Insight A.
Sometimes she says things that sound negative or critical and now I think she thinks she is just teasing, or lighthearted bantering, which is intended as relationship building not relationship breaking.  It's like she is so immersed in a negative way of relating to the world--likely entrenched in it, after decades of it--that she cannot see how her words come across to the rest of the world.  So her negative comments sometimes are actually her trying to affirm relationship--because somehow being able to say those things to someone is a sign of your closeness, of how much you know one another, of how much you are involved in one another's lives, of how much you care about the other.

Example that quickly comes to mind: we went this past weekend to visit because they were expecting us and we wanted to see Great-Grandma because we have not been up since Easter.  MIL always says she wants us to come more, and so I believe she really did want us to come--even after Sunny and Merry ended up having a run-in with poison oak last week, which they were suffering from all weekend.  We just had them wear long sleeves, long pants and socks all weekend when they were going to be in the house, and so I do not think MIL was worried about it spreading--she would likely have said. ; )  And on the bright side, the chlorine in their swimming pool was probably really good to help dry up the blistering rashes.  But Monday night when we got home from the visit, I saw MIL had posted on facebook something about us coming and visiting and bringing poison oak, and it sure sounded like she thought we should not have come.  I even showed DH and he thought the same.  And yet, we both agreed she seemed glad we were there, and would likely have been upset if we did not go, and in the past she has always insisted we come for scheduled visits even when kids are so sick they are throwing up every 15 minutes (oh, yes--we have had some fun car rides to grandma's house. ugh.), so I don't believe she really meant to suggest we were so selfish and insensitive to what was appropriate and we shouldn't have come--but somehow thought she was affirming what a good grandma she is by welcoming us even with poison oak.  And that grandma's house is such a great place to visit we all just can't keep away, even when we have reason.  And that we come with the full expectation that we will be welcomed, warts rashes and all, which is a sign of what a great, loving relationship we all have.  Does that make sense?

I know--kinda twisted. But then, all human love has been twisted since the Fall.  I am just glad and thankful that God gave me this new perspective, so I can try to reframe some of the things MIL says and look for how she might be intending to affirm our relationship through them, how she might be trying to build connection through them.  I mean, I already knew I had to look past the words to what was behind the words, to figure out what was really meant by anything spoken--but this is the first time I have gotten a glimpse that sometimes MIL speaks words that sound negative but that she actually intends to be positive.  That's really something I need to look for in the future.


Insight B.
MIL really goes all out to show love to us when we visit--well, love in a hands-on, very physical/action sense.  She spends hours in the kitchen making yummy food.  She and FIL spend who knows how many hours tending to the large beautiful yard and pool, which we all come use and enjoy.  They labor to plant and tend large gardens and then thrust upon us the bounty from it, giving the literal fruits of their labor with so much generosity.  They buy things, install things, build things, store things, restore things, haul around things--they get up early, stay up late, drive here or there, whatever they think is the right thing to make the visit good in their heads.  There is no limit to what they will do for their kids or grandkids, if they think we would like it or have fun with it or if they think it would be good for us.  And MIL is just the kind of person who likes to be busy, esp. out and about.  So when we visit, the days are usually completely filled, and we go from one activity to the next, with barely enough time to breathe in between.  It is all completely good and fun stuff--shopping trips, surrey rides in the park, bike riding in the park, roller-skating, swimming, games, family dinners, farmer's market, family videos--but they must be exhausted after we leave!  (I usually am!) No one is making them do these things--we certainly never ask for these things to happen--but it is just how MIL and FIL naturally do things "right" to try to bring pleasure to their kids and grandkids.  They have an idea in their heads about what a "good" visit looks like, and that involves all those things, all that food, etc. 

In other words, it is a lot of work to host us.  Pleasure in the work, I assume, but still work.

And anytime we put a lot of effort into things, esp. for other people, we want to feel like it was appreciated. And God also showed me this weekend that we--and esp. me--often withhold the very spirit of thankfulness and appreciation for all this hard work and active love, just because of all the negative baggage that comes along with it. 

Let me see if I can give examples:

--When I try to be thankful or speak affirming words to MIL, she often negates them, and they inadvertently lead to an escalation of negativity.  Like if I comment on the delicious fresh peaches served with breakfast, that might lead to MIL talking about how much work the peach tree is and then on to how we are never there to help with it.  When my efforts to say nice things seem to be fanning flames, I end up just being quiet in the present, and then initiating less affirmation in the future. 

But that means that MIL's hard work does not get much of a response, or might not even be acknowledged.  She doesn't know I am just trying to avoid negativity--instead, I imagine she feels unappreciated and that all her hard work, planning, purchasing, orchestrating, etc. meant nothing to us.  That all her efforts to show love are being disregarded and even rejected. 

--Both DH and I also modulate our responses to things when we are with them--because it is not safe to be too enthusiastic about anything.  If we show strong positive reaction to something, then when there is a strong negative reaction from MIL, we find ourselves having to backpedal furiously so we can avoid ruffling feathers.  Or if we show strong negative reaction to something, then it is that much harder/more awkward to then go ahead and do it, eat it, watch it, whatever the situation is, which we will usually end up doing anyway.  So, it is better easier to just be pleasant and not show much emotion or investment one way or the other. 

But this means that she feels like we are wishy-washy, or not honest, or two-faced, which are all character traits that of course are negative (this has come up in arguments before, so I know this part is true) and do not build trust or relationship.  And this weekend I realized our benign response to all the good stuff at their house likely comes across like we are not actually enjoying any of that good stuff.  So it's like all her hard work is for nothing--and we seem very difficult to please, when really the opposite is true.


Insight C.
When I am with MIL and everything I say is met with argument or lecture or dismissal, or is constantly interrupted, I just stop talking.  I say only the bare necessity, keep my voice light and polite, but do not seek engagement.  I might initiate conversation to fill a silence that seems to emphasize the void between us, but always something frivolous--and that too is usually met with argument or lecture, but at least there's not that silence and I can act interested in her opinions without feeling hurt.  It is completely self-protective, and understandable.  Well, and it seems like the best option at the moment for keeping the peace.  But I think MIL sees right through it--for all that she is not very savvy interpersonally, I think she senses that I am withholding myself, and even on an unconscious level knows why.

So, let's think about how that would feel--someone comes to stay at your house.  You know this person is critical of how you think and the things you do.  (Wait, sure sounds so far like I'm describing myself not my MIL, right?!)  This person does not very often come out and say what she thinks of you, so you are left guessing most of the time, but her frequent bouts of silence seem like immature pouting or emotional withdrawl, neither of which endears her to you.  And when she does speak, her clearly polite but impersonal words tell you clearly that she does not really want to share herself with you.  She does not like you.  In fact, she thinks you are a terrible person.  You can tell she would rather not be with you right at this moment, and is just there because she has to be, and on the inside is gritting her teeth and just wishing the visit was over.   

Ok, I don't know that MIL thinks all that.  But God showed me she very well could--and she would be right if she did. 

Sigh. 

In other words, I am not loving MIL these days, and in fact I am acting much more like I despise her or are fearful of her and I think she knows it.  Don't get me wrong--I think I have been very loving in the whole "long-suffering" aspect all these years, and in making a vow to her in my mind that only death shall part us in relationship.  (Mine, hers, or DH's! But Lord willing the plan will be for us to grow old and wise together ; )  And I am loving her by not being satisfied with our relationship being yucky, and not honoring the Lord God we both serve.  But I have slipped back into a place where I am fearful, and self-focused, and not extending myself with grace and confidence.  Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone at your house, bend over backwards to take good care of that person and show that person a good time and in return feel disliked, judged, and looked down upon the whole time?  (Um, I can imagine it pretty well.)

In conclusion to all this revelation this past weekend:  DH and I are, in effect, really hard people for MIL to love sometimes.  We are not building her up, and in fact we are withholding love from her.  She is showing us love in all the ways she knows how, and I have not been seeing it as love.  I have always seen all the busyness as bossiness, and resented how I am basically told to go there, do that, take this, like that all the time.  Now I see the more I seem unmoved by the loving she is pouring out, the more she tries to force me to be moved, to acknowledge the love. 

To acknowledge her love.

To accept it, to be thankful for it, to cherish it, and to let her know I do.

Because just like I don't know who is praying for her, I don't know who else is trying to build her up.  Who sees her need for love and desires to help her feel loved.  She is not an easy person to love--but then again, neither am I.  


So, that was all disjointed, but hopefully made sense overall.  It's so helpful for me to write these ideas down.  I have been accused (by my MIL herself too!) of overthinking everything, so it's possible MIL is much more simple in her psychology than I am assuming here in my ponderings.  But, this might be insight from the Holy Spirit given to help me know how better to love her in a way she will see--and in a way she will recognize as love back.