My in-laws came to visit this past weekend. Those of you who have been reading for a while know things with my MIL have been so wonderfully, miraculously better over the past year--but we still sometimes have less than pleasant times together. This past weekend was one of those times.
So this morning I was already thinking and processing ideas about what Love is supposed to look like on weekends like this past one, when I read Lisa's post this morning, Just How Patient is Our Love? over at her blog, One Thankful Mom. Oh, that really brought all my thoughts up to the surface, all my frustrations and longings for a good, healthy relationship. So I thought I would leave a comment to Lisa's blog and see if she or any of her readers could offer me some encouragement or guidance from their own learning about purposefully, even strategically loving those who are often difficult to love. And how to keep one's whole home healthy and safe for other family members while we love the one who is "stuck." And how to try to keep the words of the "stuck" family member from wounding and draining us, as much as possible.
But Wordpress is not my favorite blog server. It always thinks I am way too verbose (imagine that!) and tells me my comments are too long, even when I try to break them up into what seem like reasonably short paragraphs and post in multiple comments. So after three tries and rejections by Lisa's comments box, I decided just to go ahead and post it over here. And go ahead and make it longer, while I'm at it. Maybe some of her readers will hop over here and read this--if they do, welcome and thank you! I appreciate whatever wisdom anyone throws my way.
Here's the extended version of what I tried to post on Lisa's blog:
Lisa, one thing that struck me a few years back was reading that the most faithful English rendering of the word "patient" in that verse is actually "long-suffering." That has created such a powerful mental image for me, helping me be ok with feeling like I am suffering for love sometimes.
I don't have hard relationships with my kids (other than what is normal for pre-teens) but I have been in a relationship with my mother-in-law that can only be described with "long-suffering." (18 years of marriage this fall.) They just came to visit this past weekend, and while things have been improving with my MIL the past year--in a miraculous way that can only be the grace of God manifested directly in the life-altering presence and prompting of the Holy Spirit--this past weekend showed regression that not only made me sad, but also wore me down to the bone.
I think God led me to all these blogs by God-hearted women like yourself struggling with kids "from the hard places" because I can usually take what I learn and apply it to my relationship with my MIL, who has clear attachment issues and who takes out all her anger, fear, insecurity on me. God has walked me through different levels of understanding in the relationship over the years, and now I can look back over the 17 years and see how I was abused by her. Yes, I must use that strong of a word. And I took that abuse for years and years, because I believed that was being respectful, being a keeper of the peace, being long-suffering. But I was also enabling her sin, God showed me clearly one time. With that understanding I became stronger and calmly but firmly set better boundaries, but still always trying to live out Grace. And things did improve--but I think this past weekend showed me we might be at a plateau, and it might not get better from here for a long time.
This past weekend just made me so weary. The relationship is no longer abusive, but it is unrelenting negativity, esp. directed at me and anything I might possibly think or say about anything. I am trying to teach the kids to speak truth, and to look to God's word for Truth, and a lot of what my MIL says is just garbage and lies, to be honest, even though she is a professing, very active in her church Christian.
I'll give one specific example of the kind of conflicts we have, during which I try to live our love and grace, and which we try to be patient in, but which make me wonder if we are not living out "patience" in a healthy way:
My three daughters have long hair (I have long and thick hair too), which we all like on them, and which is beautiful if only because it is what God made for them. Yesterday before church my MIL went go on and on and on--for a good 45 minutes, no joke, and in front of the girls--about how ugly their long scraggly hair is, and how nobody has hair that long these days and telling us to google "most beautiful women" to prove that our culture's current hair trends are above the shoulder lengths and that is what is beautiful and if you don't cut hair it gets thin and even animals in nature will prove that, so therefore God intended us to cut the hair of girls so it would be fuller later on, that the girls she knew whose parents never let them cut their hair ended up running away from home and cutting their hair first thing and now they're all divorced (somehow because their fathers were oppressive and did not let them cut their hair--I missed the connection on that one). . . ugh!
My husband was so upset he was practically shouting his rebuttals, and yet we were all pretending it was a light-hearted conversation. I had to pull the girls aside and quietly remind them we don't look to culture for the truth about what is beautiful, and we certainly don't look to the Internet for truth, blah blah blah, and yet I was also trying to white-wash why their Oma was saying those things, so I'm not disrespecting my MIL as I talk to the girls about what she is saying. There were so many ways that conversation was just wrong (the greatest irony being I encouraged the girls to cut their hair and donate it to Locks of Love this Spring, but they didn't want to--wanting to at least wait until after we celebrate Sunny's birthday with a Pioneer themed camping adventure ; ), but she was unrelenting and would not stop, and my Dear Husband and I were both reverting back to our default response, which is just pretend this is not totally offensive and even hurtful, pretend this is not lies in direct opposition to God's truth, pretend for the sake of politeness that this conversation is no big deal.
So this morning I am struggling with how we will progress after this little regression in relationship--do I yet understand what God wants my long suffering to look like at this point in our relationship? When is it being a polite host to guests? When is it being respectful to my elder? When is it "bearing with one another in love"? When is it enabling a sister in Christ in her sin, and therefore being s stumbling block to her?
I realize you were writing just as a mom about struggling kids, Lisa. The way we respond to our children as parents will be very different to how we respond to other adults, esp. ones whom we are supposed to respect. And yet, there must be a connection--because I think my MIL might well be a grownup with a bruised psyche from past attachment trauma. And as I said, I have learned and grown so much in my spirit and my knowledge from reading the hearts and trials and experiences of moms like you. So, if you or any of your readers might be able to take the idea of patience/long-suffering and offer me some wisdom, I would so relish it! Thanking you all in advance, whomever feels led to comment.
Much love to you all this Monday morning!
On The Road - Oh My!
2 months ago
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that this weekend. I just can't imagine what posseses (sp?)her to say such hateful things. Actually, maybe posession is a good word for it. It must be so frustrating to have her act this way after signs of improvement.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to tell you, about the balance between patient love and enabling hate. But I can tell you that your girls are getting to the age when they will start to be concerned about the way they look, even if just a little. If hearing such things from her starts to erode anyone's self esteem you may have to be firm with your MIL about being positive for their sake. Maybe she would be willing to listen if it was presented as being positive to help someone else out. If not, well, if things got very ugly I would ask her to leave and not come back until she could behave herself. Or maybe stage a church "intervention" and have support in confronting her. I don't really know the best way to handle her; I only know that you can't let her damage your girls' confidence. The tween/teen years are hard enough for girls without being undermined by someone who should be supporting them.
This is just my opinion, but I think she has been allowed to say what she likes for too long, and I'm talking about her family here. It's almost as if the rules don't apply to her. I don't think she would like to be treated the way she treats others. If she ever was treated that way, it might be an eye opening experience for her. Or maybe not, maybe she is just spoiling for a good fight and is trying to goad you into one.
All I can say is that I'm sorry, that my heart hurts for you and your beautiful children, and that I will pray for guidance. Call anytime if you need to talk.
Ugh. The relationship with your MIL is such a tough one. On one hand, no one would blame you for just giving up on it and telling her exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteBut take it from someone who had an emotionally abusive grandmother growing up - one who routinely told my older sister she was fat and was constantly criticizing me and my sisters for our clothing, hairstyles, and other vain things, as well as constantly undermining my parents and telling them everything they were doing wrong - those things do not go unnoticed by the children. The comments my grandma made to my older sister effected her immensely as a teenager and ultimately contributed (IMO) to her eating disorder that nearly took her life. And the damage to the rest of us girls was also pretty evident. Needless to say, none of us have a good relationship with our grandmother now.
I sometimes wish my parents would have stepped in more and "saved" us from what our grandma was doing. I think often times they were unaware of the things she was saying to us when our parents weren't even around, which is something I think you need to consider. Does your MIL spend a lot of time alone with your kids? If so, she is probably saying the same hurtful types of things to your kids and even badmouthing you while you aren't around.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your MIL about these things, in a very respectful and patient kind of way. I think that suffering through this relationship for your sake is the Christlike thing to do, but if doing so is effecting your babies in any way, I think there should be a line where your "patience" ends. It's is just plan not OK for her to say those things around them.
I'll be praying for you and for her. I know my grandmother had/has some serious issues that she is dealing with from her own childhood and so I try to remember that when dealing with her and processing what happened to me as a child while I was around her. Still, I wish my parents would have protected me from her more, even if it meant not allowing her to be around me at all.
You listed a few "when" questions; I'd add one.
ReplyDeleteWhen is it allowing your MIL to verbally abuse and demean your children?
You've got to protect your kids from being treated like that. See if www.lifeskillsintl.org has classes in your area. Your MIL really needs to take them, but you and your husband would greatly benefit from the classes as well.
Lastly, I hope your MIL does NOT stay in your home (as opposed to a motel). Sometimes it's easier for people to "behave" when it's shorter spurts of contact and not perpetual togetherness. :) At least that's what we found. We've done all I'm recommending. It's hard; I'll be praying.
Thank you so much, Hilltrain, for coming by and offering your words of wisdom. it looks like there is a book I could read at that website you gave, which could at least be a starting point! So thank you for that too.
ReplyDeleteMIL and FIL do stay with us, but actually do not sleep in the house (sleeping in their truck or camper, whichever they bring with them). But it still means we are together nonstop from wake up till bedtime! And if you read my sidebar, you see that we are in a teeny home, with no where to escape. ; ) Thank you for your prayers!
I'm late chiming in, but....
ReplyDeleteI would put a stop to such things in the moment (or have DH do it), before damage is done. It is one thing to be long suffering ourselves, but we are to be our children's protectors. They are not ready to process and handle such abuse, that is why God gave them parents.
I say this because in an effort to continue the "peace" I did not speak up when my MIL was teasing one of my children (with her dog, all in good fun, while the child was crying in my arms), it lead to years of struggling with what looked to others as an unreasonable fear of dogs. I should have quickly, sweetly and firmly said something to the effect of "stop, you are scaring her" and turned around and walked away. Not only did that poor daughter suffer the consequences, but her younger sister observed her behavior and started in on it as well (not as bad). 5 years later we are almost free of that struggle thanks to God providing my step-mother who trains guide dogs for the blind and helped my girls through this struggle slowly. BTW, MIL is a professing Christian while my MIL has no faith. :/
When it comes to our children we must protect them. Ok, I scrolled down to read the beginning of this story. I'll go back now to read the rest of your thoughts. ;)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Gabe. It is so hard to know what is best, so I appreciate these personal perspectives. One big problem, which I think you will understand, is that I am also trying to be respectful of my husband, and the fact that these are his parents. So I feel there is a bit of a "headship" issue with me deciding what his parents can say, when we will see them and when we won't etc. Really, DH does not (yet) seem to see much danger in how his mom interacts with us/the kids, and so he would not support me trying to put restrictions on when the kids see them. So, while I might agree completely with you, and Jessica, and my other wonderfully helpful commenters, I feel like my hands are somewhat tied. I do not have the authority to say when we will see them or not see them, but I do have the authority over my own relationship with MIL, and have the "right" to write her if there is something serious I want to address. So, I will consider if it is time to initiate a conversation with MIL about some of these things.
ReplyDeleteThey are coming to our house again this weekend, and so I will see how it goes. I am praying God does His good stuff in all of us and the visit is good. If it is not good, then I will at least have a better idea of where we really stand, and what issues need to be addressed, specifically. And so the saga continues! ; )