and more excellent ideas to add to the ponderings. . .

attributed to Parent's Room on facebook

This is true of all relationships, not just marriage. . . . So what am I putting in my big old "Mother-In-Law box?

: )

following up on the follow up

Just to wrap-up the whole hair drama/relating with MIL postings:

This past weekend when we visited DH's family was pretty good.  MIL was overall in a good mood, so things overall went well. 

But the funniest thing happened Sunday morning:  DH came in while I was getting the girls ready for church and said his mom had said she wanted Sunny to wear her hair down to church "because it would be quicker."  Yes, after that whole tirade the previous Sunday about stringy, ugly long hair down--oh, and I forgot to tell you the best bit, that most cultures of the world view long hair as a sign of a loose woman (a play on the saying true to many cultures, "loose hair, loose woman")--MIL was actually telling DH she wanted Sunny to have her hair down for church.  The truth is, MIL wants her grand-daughters to look like everybody else and does not like it when we braid their hair like we often do, because that is somehow dorky and old-fashioned and not what all the other girls do with their hair.  But I really had to restrain myself from reminding her of her own words from the weekend before.  ; ) 

And that was just one more reminder that nothing with MIL is ever what it seems at face value.  God gave me some insight into that too:

Insight A.
Sometimes she says things that sound negative or critical and now I think she thinks she is just teasing, or lighthearted bantering, which is intended as relationship building not relationship breaking.  It's like she is so immersed in a negative way of relating to the world--likely entrenched in it, after decades of it--that she cannot see how her words come across to the rest of the world.  So her negative comments sometimes are actually her trying to affirm relationship--because somehow being able to say those things to someone is a sign of your closeness, of how much you know one another, of how much you are involved in one another's lives, of how much you care about the other.

Example that quickly comes to mind: we went this past weekend to visit because they were expecting us and we wanted to see Great-Grandma because we have not been up since Easter.  MIL always says she wants us to come more, and so I believe she really did want us to come--even after Sunny and Merry ended up having a run-in with poison oak last week, which they were suffering from all weekend.  We just had them wear long sleeves, long pants and socks all weekend when they were going to be in the house, and so I do not think MIL was worried about it spreading--she would likely have said. ; )  And on the bright side, the chlorine in their swimming pool was probably really good to help dry up the blistering rashes.  But Monday night when we got home from the visit, I saw MIL had posted on facebook something about us coming and visiting and bringing poison oak, and it sure sounded like she thought we should not have come.  I even showed DH and he thought the same.  And yet, we both agreed she seemed glad we were there, and would likely have been upset if we did not go, and in the past she has always insisted we come for scheduled visits even when kids are so sick they are throwing up every 15 minutes (oh, yes--we have had some fun car rides to grandma's house. ugh.), so I don't believe she really meant to suggest we were so selfish and insensitive to what was appropriate and we shouldn't have come--but somehow thought she was affirming what a good grandma she is by welcoming us even with poison oak.  And that grandma's house is such a great place to visit we all just can't keep away, even when we have reason.  And that we come with the full expectation that we will be welcomed, warts rashes and all, which is a sign of what a great, loving relationship we all have.  Does that make sense?

I know--kinda twisted. But then, all human love has been twisted since the Fall.  I am just glad and thankful that God gave me this new perspective, so I can try to reframe some of the things MIL says and look for how she might be intending to affirm our relationship through them, how she might be trying to build connection through them.  I mean, I already knew I had to look past the words to what was behind the words, to figure out what was really meant by anything spoken--but this is the first time I have gotten a glimpse that sometimes MIL speaks words that sound negative but that she actually intends to be positive.  That's really something I need to look for in the future.


Insight B.
MIL really goes all out to show love to us when we visit--well, love in a hands-on, very physical/action sense.  She spends hours in the kitchen making yummy food.  She and FIL spend who knows how many hours tending to the large beautiful yard and pool, which we all come use and enjoy.  They labor to plant and tend large gardens and then thrust upon us the bounty from it, giving the literal fruits of their labor with so much generosity.  They buy things, install things, build things, store things, restore things, haul around things--they get up early, stay up late, drive here or there, whatever they think is the right thing to make the visit good in their heads.  There is no limit to what they will do for their kids or grandkids, if they think we would like it or have fun with it or if they think it would be good for us.  And MIL is just the kind of person who likes to be busy, esp. out and about.  So when we visit, the days are usually completely filled, and we go from one activity to the next, with barely enough time to breathe in between.  It is all completely good and fun stuff--shopping trips, surrey rides in the park, bike riding in the park, roller-skating, swimming, games, family dinners, farmer's market, family videos--but they must be exhausted after we leave!  (I usually am!) No one is making them do these things--we certainly never ask for these things to happen--but it is just how MIL and FIL naturally do things "right" to try to bring pleasure to their kids and grandkids.  They have an idea in their heads about what a "good" visit looks like, and that involves all those things, all that food, etc. 

In other words, it is a lot of work to host us.  Pleasure in the work, I assume, but still work.

And anytime we put a lot of effort into things, esp. for other people, we want to feel like it was appreciated. And God also showed me this weekend that we--and esp. me--often withhold the very spirit of thankfulness and appreciation for all this hard work and active love, just because of all the negative baggage that comes along with it. 

Let me see if I can give examples:

--When I try to be thankful or speak affirming words to MIL, she often negates them, and they inadvertently lead to an escalation of negativity.  Like if I comment on the delicious fresh peaches served with breakfast, that might lead to MIL talking about how much work the peach tree is and then on to how we are never there to help with it.  When my efforts to say nice things seem to be fanning flames, I end up just being quiet in the present, and then initiating less affirmation in the future. 

But that means that MIL's hard work does not get much of a response, or might not even be acknowledged.  She doesn't know I am just trying to avoid negativity--instead, I imagine she feels unappreciated and that all her hard work, planning, purchasing, orchestrating, etc. meant nothing to us.  That all her efforts to show love are being disregarded and even rejected. 

--Both DH and I also modulate our responses to things when we are with them--because it is not safe to be too enthusiastic about anything.  If we show strong positive reaction to something, then when there is a strong negative reaction from MIL, we find ourselves having to backpedal furiously so we can avoid ruffling feathers.  Or if we show strong negative reaction to something, then it is that much harder/more awkward to then go ahead and do it, eat it, watch it, whatever the situation is, which we will usually end up doing anyway.  So, it is better easier to just be pleasant and not show much emotion or investment one way or the other. 

But this means that she feels like we are wishy-washy, or not honest, or two-faced, which are all character traits that of course are negative (this has come up in arguments before, so I know this part is true) and do not build trust or relationship.  And this weekend I realized our benign response to all the good stuff at their house likely comes across like we are not actually enjoying any of that good stuff.  So it's like all her hard work is for nothing--and we seem very difficult to please, when really the opposite is true.


Insight C.
When I am with MIL and everything I say is met with argument or lecture or dismissal, or is constantly interrupted, I just stop talking.  I say only the bare necessity, keep my voice light and polite, but do not seek engagement.  I might initiate conversation to fill a silence that seems to emphasize the void between us, but always something frivolous--and that too is usually met with argument or lecture, but at least there's not that silence and I can act interested in her opinions without feeling hurt.  It is completely self-protective, and understandable.  Well, and it seems like the best option at the moment for keeping the peace.  But I think MIL sees right through it--for all that she is not very savvy interpersonally, I think she senses that I am withholding myself, and even on an unconscious level knows why.

So, let's think about how that would feel--someone comes to stay at your house.  You know this person is critical of how you think and the things you do.  (Wait, sure sounds so far like I'm describing myself not my MIL, right?!)  This person does not very often come out and say what she thinks of you, so you are left guessing most of the time, but her frequent bouts of silence seem like immature pouting or emotional withdrawl, neither of which endears her to you.  And when she does speak, her clearly polite but impersonal words tell you clearly that she does not really want to share herself with you.  She does not like you.  In fact, she thinks you are a terrible person.  You can tell she would rather not be with you right at this moment, and is just there because she has to be, and on the inside is gritting her teeth and just wishing the visit was over.   

Ok, I don't know that MIL thinks all that.  But God showed me she very well could--and she would be right if she did. 

Sigh. 

In other words, I am not loving MIL these days, and in fact I am acting much more like I despise her or are fearful of her and I think she knows it.  Don't get me wrong--I think I have been very loving in the whole "long-suffering" aspect all these years, and in making a vow to her in my mind that only death shall part us in relationship.  (Mine, hers, or DH's! But Lord willing the plan will be for us to grow old and wise together ; )  And I am loving her by not being satisfied with our relationship being yucky, and not honoring the Lord God we both serve.  But I have slipped back into a place where I am fearful, and self-focused, and not extending myself with grace and confidence.  Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone at your house, bend over backwards to take good care of that person and show that person a good time and in return feel disliked, judged, and looked down upon the whole time?  (Um, I can imagine it pretty well.)

In conclusion to all this revelation this past weekend:  DH and I are, in effect, really hard people for MIL to love sometimes.  We are not building her up, and in fact we are withholding love from her.  She is showing us love in all the ways she knows how, and I have not been seeing it as love.  I have always seen all the busyness as bossiness, and resented how I am basically told to go there, do that, take this, like that all the time.  Now I see the more I seem unmoved by the loving she is pouring out, the more she tries to force me to be moved, to acknowledge the love. 

To acknowledge her love.

To accept it, to be thankful for it, to cherish it, and to let her know I do.

Because just like I don't know who is praying for her, I don't know who else is trying to build her up.  Who sees her need for love and desires to help her feel loved.  She is not an easy person to love--but then again, neither am I.  


So, that was all disjointed, but hopefully made sense overall.  It's so helpful for me to write these ideas down.  I have been accused (by my MIL herself too!) of overthinking everything, so it's possible MIL is much more simple in her psychology than I am assuming here in my ponderings.  But, this might be insight from the Holy Spirit given to help me know how better to love her in a way she will see--and in a way she will recognize as love back.

Following up on those previous thoughts about long-suffering

So, I did not mean to wait so long before blogging again, but I have had a lot of things to do on the computer this week--and then since my pleasure activities are also on the computer this week, I have to be really careful that I'm not sitting at the computer all day long!  So, blogging fell to the wayside--but I did not mean to leave anyone hanging after that last rather down-spirited post.  Let me see if I can get out these concluding thoughts in any semblance of cohesion:

So many of you have been so sweet to send me emails, or talk to me on the phone, or in person, and let me know how much you love and support me.  Thank you!  But I also realized in talking with you all that maybe I should not have shared that little vignette as an example--it seems it was way more distressing for the rest of you than it was for me/us.  What I mean is, this is not the first time we have heard this anti-long hair tirade. We all knew Oma's feelings about long hair, and so her words were neither very surprising nor very hurtful.  I don't think the girls are internalizing the message very much, as the message does not seem to be personal, just about long hair in general and so about all of us in general.  (Although I am sure it is a good thing that I too have long hair so the girls don't feel like it is just them on the receiving end--in that way I think I might serve as a good psychological buffer, or strong ally. Of course they look to their parents to know how to take things, and so if DH and I seem unfazed, I think they are usually unfazed too.) 

I have also talked before with the girls--and fairly recently too--about how Oma really wants us to be like everybody else, which is true and which shows up in so many different conversations with her.   For example, she was very against us homeschooling, and let me know it--until a year or so ago, when she realized there is actually a growing homeschool movement in America, and so many people are writing about the positives of it, and esp. in Christian circles, and I think she was surprised by the fact that everyone who she would tell we were homeschooling would always have a very positive response, usually, "good for you!"  So all that slowly did its good work, and now she is proud of us for homeschooling. : )  (No, she has not come out and said it, but I can tell by other things she says.) 

So anytime Oma has a difference of opinion about something we say or do, I tell the kids it is perfectly ok for her to feel that way, but it is also perfectly ok for us to go ahead and think or do differently,  even if it is not what the rest of the world is doing or what Oma wants us to do.  There are times when we do what Oma wants because it is no big deal and is a way we can show love and respect, and there are times when she will want something that we can't say yes to, and she may not like it but that's the way it will be.  (And she can deal with it like a grownup or not, but it's not our concern--ok, I don't actually say that last part. ; )  I try to remind the girls that we look to God's Word for direction, and should listen to that before we listen to anyone else--and the Bible tells us that as Christians we will be viewed as fools by the world.

For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like those condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to human beings. We are fools for Christ. . . from 1 Corinthians Chapter 4

So we should not be overly concerned with what anyone thinks of us, as long as we are trying to live according to God's desires for us.  That's what I hope the girls get from such disagreements with Oma, and maybe they will be stronger for it.

I realized from all your loving but very worried comments to me that you are all worried about my children in their relationship with their Oma, and that was probably good for me to hear.  Because you realize I shared that post as an example of what is *normal* and *usual,* not unusual or even all that bad.  Even last year a weekend like that would have been hailed a  huge success by me and DH!  We would have been thrilled at how well it went overall, and how little trouble was stirred up.  So, that's the bigger perspective for what I shared--that the long-hair tirade was for us nothing new, nothing all that big, just negative and draining.  I forgot that the rest of you have healthy family relationships and you would find such an event unusual and shocking or distressing.  Sorry about that!  I was originally writing it for moms of kids "from the hard places" who see worse than that everyday and aren't fazed by negative words very easily, and who I was hoping would have some good God-centered coping strategies to share with me.  But  all your concern gives me reason to step back and re-think about how such negativity might be affecting the kids, because I NEVER want to white-wash sin to them, no matter how much I want to be respectful of my elders, and I NEVER EVER want them to internalize such wrong messages and make lies into their personal truth about themselves. 

Jessica, what you said about your own grandmother really hit me--thank you so much for sharing that.  I will share that for many years of marriage my relationship with my husband and my own self-worth was negatively affected by MIL's often cruel words and how he would never defend me from them.  But God worked me through it, and showed me that He is my defender, my champion, and I can stand tall and not be afraid because He has my back.  It is sad that I can't expect my husband to defend me, but he does not defend himself either--it is a lifetime of training, and he also has told me he thinks he and I don't need defending, because we are grownups and are strong enough to handle it.  But as I shared in that last post, he was rising up to defend the girls' long hair this past weekend, so his urge to protect his children is there, and I know God is growing him in strength of spirit and in awareness of my needs too.   Still, he will not be as aware of what the girls might be feeling as I should be, so thank you for reminding me that I need to be vigilant about that and make sure they know how much I love and support and value and defend them.

(But to also balance that with the truth that such words only hurt if we allow them to--to help my children recognize lies and insecurity and to not have a strong defensive reaction to those things, since they show us the words are not about us as much as they are about the ones who speak them.)

I do sometimes write MIL letters, and shared a couple with you here last year, just because it was so cool to see the Holy Spirit write a letter through me.  I wanted to share how awesome He is, and how good and eternally faithful.  So maybe it is time for another letter.  I have written to MIL about how she says things in front of the girls, but that was a long time ago, so maybe it is time for a revisit of that topic. 

Also, I have long suspected MIL of talking badly of us parents behind our backs to our children--because she talks badly about everyone behind their backs.  But this past weekend I actually walked into a conversation where it was happening, where MIL was trying to get one of the girls to be upset about something and feel hurt and unloved by me.  She was actually trying to feed those ideas into the girls' head, and I heard it.  And she did not stop doing it once I was there, which means she thought what she was saying was true and nothing to feel ashamed of saying, and was also trying to send me a message too.  But the girls were so great, and just kept saying there was no problem, they didn't think that, that's not what's important, etc.  It really warmed my heart, and makes me confident that even when such things are said, the children have enough truth in their hearts and minds that they will not be easily swayed.  But it was really good for me to see that, and to hear your words of warning, Jessica, because I will make sure to keep filling them with truth--and I think we will want to talk about that kind of scenario before Oma and Opa have the kids for a week in July.

When I said I was upset by this past weekend and how it went, particularly that long, irrational, unbiblical Sunday morning long-hair rant, what I meant was things have been so miraculously good for the past 6-8 months, and so I don't want them to regress.  Now, the truth is I did not do anything to make it better--I'm just being the same old me, and God did something in MIL and gave me the wisdom to nurture it, and it was beautiful.  So, I have to rationally conclude that if things slipped back a bit to old patterns of relating, then I did not do anything (intentional) to make them worse and God is STILL doing something in MIL and I just want Him to continue to give me wisdom to nurture it.  Because actually, I *have* done something to "make" MIL revert a little--DH and I have made some choices this summer that she is not happy about.  So this just proves that whatever healing we had achieved during our quiet and smooth phase will need to be strengthened if it is to endure the ripples of life.  In other words, MIL has learned (hopefully) that she can be free to love us in all the I Corinthians Chapter 13 fullness of the word when we are doing what she doesn't mind us doing.  Now she just needs to learn, by the insight provided by the Holy Spirit, that she can also, still love us in that same fullness when we are doing what she does mind. 

All this listening to you all, and thinking, and talking with some of you, and now the writing it all down has been so fruitful!  Because now I am not discouraged at all.  She is in a process of learning, and I should not be saddened and upset by the apparent regression, but encouraged--because God's love never fails, and it appears she does have a heart for choosing to let go and allow the Holy Spirit to take over and love through her--that's why things were so great for a while.  So if she has that heart, I must be patient--long-suffering--and trust the Good work of the Holy Spirit and not stop hoping, not stop believing we can get to a better place in our relationship.  This bump in the road had to happen for us to have continued growth.  It is part of all of our learning process, and that is a good thing because it means we are on the way.

Earlier this week my dear Becky and I had a lovely time of lounging in the sunshine sharing our recent lives (since we have both been busy and needed to catch up), and as I related this whole negative mess with her, and was expressing concern for MIL's spiritual and mental health, I suddenly went from being really tense and edgy and negative to being flooded with a hot rush of realization and concern, because it hit me:  who else is concerned about MIL's spiritual and mental health.  Who else is grieving at her struggles, who else so desires her complete and total healing from whatever is oppressing her spirit. 

Very possibly, nobody. 

Oh, the horrible, humbling thought!  We all get so wrapped up in our own lives, in our own hurts (even in our own petty inconveniences) that we totally forget that the people walking around us are just like us, big messes of complex feelings and unfulfilled desires and insecurities all wrapped up in tender skin.  I am the worst offender of this.  I can without thought take an hour to blog about my being upset with my MIL--but how much time do I spend praying for her?  I do pray for her, but it is in snatches, and usually only when I'm suddenly being affected.  In other words, when she becomes about me.  (palm to face)

We are heading up to see them for this long weekend.  It may very well be a very long weekend! But I am so thankful now for where God has me--that He has reminded me of the power of prayer, of the Power of His Spirit to overcome and to guide; that I must not let sin and negativity overwhelm me but must keep my eyes on His Truth; that through Him all things are made new; that He has put MIL and I together for His Good Purpose, and I should not fear; that MIL is his precious daughter as well as I am.

I Corinthians Ch. 4 the author Paul continued:

When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment. . . . Therefore I urge you to imitate me.

If he could do it, through God's grace, then so can I. : )

And finally, here's the verse God gave me this morning when I went looking for some insight and encouragement as I have not been looking forward to this weekend:

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
(Hebrews 4:16)

It was from a great devotional I found online (I usually read straight from by codex, but thought I would try something new this morning--that and apparently I just can't get off the computer this week) you can check out here, if you want.  It was exactly what I needed this morning!

So, thank you again for your kind and thoughtful and loving words.  I got some insight that I needed, I got some loving which I probably also needed.  It appears the moms I originally wrote this hoping to get some wisdom from either had nothing to share, or my "troubles" seem so small compared to theirs, or their lives were too full this week for writing.  Does not matter!  I am trusting that God took me exactly where he wanted me, and those who did speak are the ones who were supposed to. : )

Much love to you all!  Thank you for helping make this blog such a safe and loving space, and thank you for sharing life with me a little this week.

May you all have blessed weekends!


P.S. *I do know some of you friend, family, readers pray for me and MIL--thank you for every prayer!  God used the extreme idea of "nobody" caring for her, praying for her just to get my attention.  I don't know who prays for her on a weekly or even daily basis, who just prays for her own self (and not what we all want her to stop doing!), but I trust that some people do that I don't know about.  If anyone feels led to pray for me, for her, for us, for this weekend, for the girls--bring it on as the Lord leads you!  But I'm also not asking for any of you to take up any obligation either.  Those of us who are praying people should always just ask God to show us who to pray for--and this time, boy did He show me!

Contemplating Long-Suffering in Love

My in-laws came to visit this past weekend.  Those of you who have been reading for a while know things with my MIL have been so wonderfully, miraculously better over the past year--but we still sometimes have less than pleasant times together.  This past weekend was one of those times.
 
So this morning I was already thinking and processing ideas about what Love is supposed to look like on weekends like this past one, when I read Lisa's post this morning, Just How Patient is Our Love? over at her blog, One Thankful Mom.  Oh, that really brought all my thoughts up to the surface, all my frustrations and longings for a good, healthy relationship.  So I thought I would leave a comment to Lisa's blog and see if she or any of her readers could offer me some encouragement or guidance from their own learning about purposefully, even strategically loving those who are often difficult to love.  And how to keep one's whole home healthy and safe for other family members while we love the one who is "stuck."  And how to try to keep the words of the "stuck" family member from wounding and draining us, as much as possible.
 
But Wordpress is not my favorite blog server.  It always thinks I am way too verbose (imagine that!) and tells me my comments are too long, even when I try to break them up into what seem like reasonably short paragraphs and post in multiple comments.  So after three tries and rejections by Lisa's comments box, I decided just to go ahead and post it over here.  And go ahead and make it longer, while I'm at it.  Maybe some of her readers will hop over here and read this--if they do, welcome and thank you!  I appreciate whatever wisdom anyone throws my way. 
 
Here's the extended version of what I tried to post on Lisa's blog:


Lisa, one thing that struck me a few years back was reading that the most faithful English rendering of the word "patient" in that verse is actually "long-suffering."  That has created such a powerful mental image for me, helping me be ok with feeling like I am suffering for love sometimes.

I don't have hard relationships with my kids (other than what is normal for pre-teens) but I have been in a relationship with my mother-in-law that can only be described with "long-suffering."  (18 years of marriage this fall.) They just came to visit this past weekend, and while things have been improving with my MIL the past year--in a miraculous way that can only be the grace of God manifested directly in the life-altering presence and prompting of the Holy Spirit--this past weekend showed regression that not only made me sad, but also wore me down to the bone. 

I think God led me to all these blogs by God-hearted women like yourself struggling with kids "from the hard places" because I can usually take what I learn and apply it to my relationship with my MIL, who has clear attachment issues and who takes out all her anger, fear, insecurity on me.  God has walked me through different levels of understanding in the relationship over the years, and now I can look back over the 17 years and see how I was abused by her.  Yes, I must use that strong of a word.  And I took that abuse for years and years, because I believed that was being respectful, being a keeper of the peace, being long-suffering.  But I was also enabling her sin, God showed me clearly one time.  With that understanding I became stronger and calmly but firmly set better boundaries, but still always trying to live out Grace.  And things did improve--but I think this past weekend showed me we might be at a plateau, and it might not get better from here for a long time.

This past weekend just made me so weary.  The relationship is no longer abusive, but it is unrelenting negativity, esp. directed at me and anything I might possibly think or say about anything.  I am trying to teach the kids to speak truth, and to look to God's word for Truth, and a lot of what my MIL says is just garbage and lies, to be honest, even though she is a professing, very active in her church Christian. 

I'll give one specific example of the kind of conflicts we have, during which I try to live our love and grace, and which we try to be patient in, but which make me wonder if we are not living out "patience" in a healthy way: 

My three daughters have long hair (I have long and thick hair too), which we all like on them, and which is beautiful if only because it is what God made for them.  Yesterday before church my MIL went go on and on and on--for a good 45 minutes, no joke, and in front of the girls--about how ugly their long scraggly hair is, and how nobody has hair that long these days and telling us to google "most beautiful women" to prove that our culture's current hair trends are above the shoulder lengths and that is what is beautiful and if you don't cut hair it gets thin and even animals in nature will prove that, so therefore God intended us to cut the hair of girls so it would be fuller later on, that the girls she knew whose parents never let them cut their hair ended up running away from home and cutting their hair first thing and now they're all divorced (somehow because their fathers were oppressive and did not let them cut their hair--I missed the connection on that one). . . ugh! 

My husband was so upset he was practically shouting his rebuttals, and yet we were all pretending it was a light-hearted conversation.  I had to pull the girls aside and quietly remind them we don't look to culture for the truth about what is beautiful, and we certainly don't look to the Internet for truth, blah blah blah, and yet I was also trying to white-wash why their Oma was saying those things, so I'm not disrespecting my MIL as I talk to the girls about what she is saying. There were so many ways that conversation was just wrong (the greatest irony being I encouraged the girls to cut their hair and donate it to Locks of Love this Spring, but they didn't want to--wanting to at least wait until after we celebrate Sunny's birthday with a Pioneer themed camping adventure ; ), but she was unrelenting and would not stop, and my Dear Husband and I were both reverting back to our default response, which is just pretend this is not totally offensive and even hurtful, pretend this is not lies in direct opposition to God's truth, pretend for the sake of politeness that this conversation is no big deal.

So this morning I am struggling with how we will progress after this little regression in relationship--do I yet understand what God wants my long suffering to look like at this point in our relationship?  When is it being a polite host to guests?  When is it being respectful to my elder?  When is it "bearing with one another in love"? When is it enabling a sister in Christ in her sin, and therefore being s stumbling block to her? 

I realize you were writing just as a mom about struggling kids, Lisa.  The way we respond to our children as parents will be very different to how we respond to other adults, esp. ones whom we are supposed to respect.  And yet, there must be a connection--because I think my MIL might well be a grownup with a bruised psyche from past attachment trauma.  And as I said, I have learned and grown so much in my spirit and my knowledge from reading the hearts and trials and experiences of moms like you.  So, if you or any of your readers might be able to take the idea of patience/long-suffering and offer me some wisdom, I would so relish it!  Thanking you all in advance, whomever feels led to comment. 

Much love to you all this Monday morning! 

What We've Been Up To: Purple Sweater Portraits

A few year back one time when we and lots of DH's relations were visiting his grandma, she brought out some boxes of things she had been storing for family members to see if they wanted any of it or if she could give it away.  A lot of it was old clothing, and really nothing much people wanted anymore.  I snagged an oversized Mickey Mouse t-shirt for a pajama top--it was made in the USA too!  That tells you how old it was, for sure.  But then one of DH's cousins, Heather, saw an old mauve sweater and exclaimed that it had been her favorite favorite when she was little!  Heather only has boys, so she promptly gave the sweater to Sunny, since it was about the right size for her and she is, as Heather said, "my fellow redhead." 

It is the most horrible sweater.  It is so dated it is funny.  It is 100% pure scratchy 1970's acrylic.  It is the absolute worst color you could ever put on a redhead, unless your goal is to bring out the purple in her lips and the hollows under her eyes.  So what do I do with it?  Put it on all the kids, and take photos of course!

First trying for an authentic late 70's look

 I think I like it on Smiley best

 

 

And now that it has been properly immortalized, off the sweater goes to Goodwill. : )

What We've Been Up to: Peter Pan

Somehow this one photo sums up the sweet charm of the evening.

Becky's girls love theatre, and they dreamed up this production of Peter Pan.  They wrote the script, based upon the book.  They cast the show with all their homeschool friends and directed it. With the help of their mother, some theater friends, and another girl who is clever with a sewing needle, they costumed their characters.  The kids, with guidance from Becky and the other moms, directed and staged the show.  The end result was really cute. 

In fact, I must clarify that I did not really do a thing to help this production, except print out scripts, help the girls find costume pieces from their own closets, and drive them to Becky's and then sit and hang out with the other moms during rehearsal.  That last part was brutal, let me tell you:

Here's Becky's mom's barn one such beautiful afternoon, that first week of April.  Becky laid out a blanket for us to sit in there in the shade, and even brought us dark chocolate and strawberries.  My friends Laura and Heather sitting there--just two of the group of moms involved who are some of the most wonderful women. I'm telling you, rehearsals were hard work.  ; )

But, really, for Becky they were!  She not only helped her girls with the production aspects, but she also sat in the barn with the kids and helped give them a stable presence when they were having some conflicts.  She even had to nail down a new floor for the barn before the production!  And this was all going on in one of her busy times too. And she never complained.  Not even to me.  She really showed a beautiful, strong support for her kids (and our kids too), and not only will they likely remember this experience forever, but they already have another Red Barn Theatre production in the works!

The same setting, the night of the show.

 

The photos I took really cannot capture the charm of the whole production, so I'll only post one. Look, a swordfight!  Take that!  Swish, clang. Argghh! 

The cast party afterwards.  I realized later I had managed to get all my kids into one candid shot.  Smiley, helping himself to the desserts.  Happy as Tinkerbelle.  Sunny as Peter Pan.  Merry as Tiger Lily.  They were all perfectly cast, and did wonderfully in their roles. In their own unique ways.

And then after this, Becky's girls dressed up Smiley in the Captain Hook costume, and I think the effect is rather classic:

Grrrr. I'm Captin Hook. See, a hook. Grrr.

With my sword I can reach things I can't otherwise, like that light. That's what makes me a pirate.  We do bad things like touch lights with swords.  

No touching the light?  Arggghhhh. 

Actually, I can't remember why he was making that face--I think he was being in Captain Hook character.  But it cracks me up.  Oh, poor widdle baby Hook.  That mean old Peter Pan foiled your plan again, huh?  I think I know a pirate who can use a  hug!

What We've Been Up To--the Photo Catch-Up Extravaganza

I have been intermittent about blogging for the past few months.  Didn't mean to be--but life has been hard!

And I mean hard in that totally pampered stay-at-home-mom who is ridiculously blessed with a stable husband and four healthy kids kind of way. 

But still, things have been hard for me.  I'll try to blog about it more, as I think this hard season is coming to an end and hopefully I'll have the luxury of more time (and hopefully brain function) for writing.  To sum up these months, I thought I'd make a little series--hopefully more easily digestible bits than what I usually throw at you when I am in "catching up" mode.  With lots of photos, 'cause a picture's worth a thousand words, right?

So here's the first one, which I do think speaks volumes about my life recently:

I don't know how well you can read it even if you click on the image to embiggen.  But you'll get the idea.  This simple piece of notebook paper was my careful plan for our school time these past two and a half months.  We had so many big, important deadlines that I had to write those down and then start working backwards from each, figuring out how much time we should dedicate to each project.  And then, while we were in the midst of it all, this notebook page was my exterior brain.  I have been so ridiculously thick-brained this Spring--from allergies and lingering (and reoccurring!) illness, and who knows probably the onset of old age just for fun--and so it has truly been hard to keep track of what who should be doing when.  So I frequently, if not daily, found myself grabbing this notebook to see what the heck we were supposed to be doing on any given day, or so I could reassure myself we were on task and not forgetting something important.

Just a few of the big deadlines I had to plan months in advance for, and which took a lot of my time to execute:
--STAR test preparation (something I care about only because DH uses it as a scoring tool to measure the success of our homeschooling)
--An area-wide homeschool kids art show I curated at the Abbey Coffee Lounge
--Book projects for the annual county Author's Fair


And there are so many things not on the schedule above, too, but which took lots of time and energy:
--A child-led theatre production of Peter Pan
--martial arts testing and demonstrations
--the usual weekly classes


And then there were things that were not school related, and which were important and good too, but which also took time:
--Being asked to serve on our church's Jr. High Parent's Board, which necessitated meetings
--Selling outgrown kids' clothes on eBay, to start clearing out the bins under the house


 But now we are over all the deadlines--in that second to last row in the chart up there, about to get into the pale yellow zone that represents "Finishing."  That is, seeing if we can relaxedly wrap up the school units we have been working on all year--mainly California History, the Solar System/Space Exploration, and the Civil War/Westward Expansion. 

[And typing that just now, I realized what a connection there is between the last two--the drive to seek new lands and overcome obstacles is somehow written into the American psyche, and with the West conquered, we turned our attention to where new lands (or, planetary bodies, as the case may be) are waiting to be discovered (and exploited).  And look what an important role California plays in those two as well!  I love seeing connections between seemingly unrelated things.]

ANYWAY, I'm pretty tired at this point.  Tired of planning, tired of keeping children on track, tired of putting a lot of effort into things for other people and tired of feeling like I'm never enough for people.  I'm kinda spirit weary, and I'm ready for a break.

So, for the next week--easy school!  Math. Music. Finish a collaborative art project.  Finish some documentaries and movies that wrap up our school units.  That's.  It.  Then, we will take a week off.  Maybe two.  But then we will dive right back into summer school--because I have found that we do so much better a family when we school year round and take the breaks when we need them and not break too long at any one time.  The operative term there being "when we need them"--so we shall see how long this first "Summer break" lasts.

I get the feeling lots of other people out there are also in busy/stressful/full seasons!  How about you? What's this season  been like for you?

Pt. 2 in the series tomorrow! : )