Finally getting myself some warm neckware!

Ok, you know how I blogged before about adorable, stylish and WARM things for the neck when I was in Steampunk mode (a series I hope to finish someday!), and almost exactly one year ago I blogged about the desire for a scarf to dress up some new tops--well, after all that looking and admiring, I never did get myself anything for the neck last year. 

I did, however, get myself this pin--it was inexpensive, beautifully tactile, and reminded me of "Love In a Mist," the main flower in my wedding bouquet.  And it makes me happy:

from this etsy seller

Now, I DID get a scarf last year--but I did not buy it!  I had been saving the story to share with you all once I had a good photo of me wearing it, but who knows when that will be.  So, when I made that post a year ago about wanting to get one scarf to brighten and beautify my new shirts, my big sister (and reader) Rebecca graciously offered to make me a scarf!  She is a self-taught knitter, and very talented, and within a couple of months she sent me a beautiful new scarf!  Here is a pic of Sunny and Smiley wearing it--even if you can't see the delicate leaf pattern, you can see the color, length and sheen:

I do love beautiful things.  Seriously love them.  And--I think I may have mentioned this once before--I spent my young adult life working retail, so I KNOW how to accessorize.  ; ) But in my current life stage, and where God has me spiritually, generally it feels wrong to spend money on fashion.  I know our culture tells us to do it, and most of us do--but even if I had lots of disposable income, there are so many other things I would want to spend it on.  I wrote about my fashion philosophy before, so won't go into it all now.  I am overall very content with not being fashion forward and not owning a lot of clothes, shoes or accessories, and can happily "window-shop" on etsy every now and then, without falling into the lust to own.  It helps that I have a miniscule house and actually enjoy getting rid of things more than I enjoy getting them.  And it helps that the women in my life, like Rebecca, and my mom, have excellent taste in accessories and are generous in their gifts.  I usually have just enough pretty things in my life to make getting dressed satisfying.

Until now.

This is the second time this winter that I have had a terrible, lingering sore throat and swollen glands.  A situation which, I read on a medical website, could be helped with some warm neckwear.  Of which I have none.  Rebecca made me that scarf as an accessory, for beauty more than for warmth, and so while I have been wearing it almost nonstop this winter (thank you, sis!!!), I think it is time to get something specifically intended for warming the throat. 

(And sometimes long scarves are not the most practical when mommying; as Smiley informed me the other day when the end of my scarf trailed over his (thankfully clean! but still!) bottom as I changed his diaper, "tickled my penis!" Enough said.)

So I decided yesterday that this is it--time to get myself something that will cover my throat warmly, that I can wear when I get sick.  But that is also attractive, so I will want to wear it when I am not sick.  So I went back to my "favorites" on etsy, and am deciding between these two:

from this etsy shop

One of the beauties of etsy is that you can often custom order, so this seller is willing to make it for me in dark charcoal grey cotton, with a black or dark grey metal vintage button.  Perfect!

OR there is this beauty, which I have featured before:

available from this etsy seller

This looks so warm--and Steampunky!  It's upcycled cashmere with a silk lining, so it should be really warm but comfortable next to the skin, but was still reasonably priced. 

Both neck pieces look comfortable.  The second one looks warmer, but is also a little dressier, so maybe I would not reach for it as much as an accessory.  The first one is beautifully tactile, and might be more practical for wearing more of the year.  Both should cover my throat, which is what matters.  But they are both practical, albeit in different ways, and are both so attractive, how can I choose?

So, you help me!  It has been a long time since I made a poll, but I'm going to do it now.  Please help me decide between the two neck warmers.  And if you want to leave any advice in the comments section, please do!

Thanks readers!  I can't wait to see what you think. : )

oh, i love to share something good in the world!

Check out this article, on an innovative program in India that is raising up women from underdeveloped nations all over the world, and using them to better their home countries.  So inspiring!  Just look at the women of all different ages and hues gathered in one room, learning, each in their own traditional colorful garb.  Just think about the two women from Afghanistan who could not attend the school without their husbands going along as chaperones, but who then taught and literally empowered 27 more Afghan women to bring electricity to their villages.  This must affect how women are viewed in such a male-dominated country. 

Made me cry!

good, bad, God the same Pt. 2

So while there is some serious bad happening around me, as I shared in my last post, there is also so much good mixed all through it.   Specifically good and clear sign of God at work. 

Isn't this the most precious photo?  Our little preemie niece Sweetness is doing so well she has been moved to an open incubator, is able to nurse at least a couple times a day, and has tripled her weight!  She is still having dips in her heart rate several times a day (called a "Brady") and has lung issues, and even when she is released from the hospital she will be in fragile health for the first few years of her life because of her lungs--a common cold could be life-threatening.  So I appreciate those of you praying for her--she is still completely in God's hands.  (I mean, so are all of us, and our kids, but you know what I mean. : )  Her parents also need a lot of prayer--their situation is so complex, as they left behind jobs and a non-profit in India and are trying to live in the States on an Indian salary; and are probably going to run out of insurance for Sweetness, and have been getting a run-around from Medicaid and another program so poor N, DH's sister, is ready to pull her hair out; and only two pediatricians in Colorado Springs accept Medicaid patients, but N does not feel they are qualified to handle Sweetness' special health concerns. . . .

And yet, in the midst of all the frustration and worry about the future, there is still the very real knowledge that things are amazingly good for them at this moment.  Sweetness' daddy works for a company that often sends him to the States, so has been able to continue working from Colorado Springs (that right there is pretty unbelievable!); they have had a free place to live all this time (although it might end at any moment, due to health concerns of the absent owner); and so far both N and her husband S have been healthy so they could be with Sweetness daily (esp. after hanging around us, that right there could be considered a miracle! ; ).

And more Good, so, so so awesome:

Remember Davids, whom I posted about last week?  Well, my friend Terry found a link to the blog of the family who is adopting him!!!  (I am linking the blog to my sidebar too.) I urge you all to go and read the first couple of entries, so you can see how divinely placed these people were.  I was SO excited to get top hear how Davids was snatched from a very bleak future, and am even more excited to get to continue the story with this family through their blog--what a priviledge to share in the unfolding beauty of their story!

Davids needed a last-minute miracle to save him.  But you know that saying that God is an "eleventh hour" God?  If the first family had adopted Davids on schedule, then there would not have been this world-wide recognition of the need for a miracle, and no pleas to the Almighty God to intervene and rescue this child.  Maybe the family would not have been a good fit, and Davids was delivered from that too, we don't know.  But the way this terrible situation happened ended up the perfect chance for the world to see God doing what He does best--rescue and deliver.  This might have been a routine international adoption that no one would have heard about.  Instead, because of the way it all unfolded, people all over the world are praising God.  He is so good, and His timing is perfect.

But reading what the mom wrote hit my heart another way, very personally.  I imagine these people had been listening to God tug at their hearts for years.  They listened, and acted, starting the process of adoption from Latvia.  Because they had listened and acted, they were in place and ready when God said, "Ok, it's time for you to be part of My Work."  This miracle was the direct result of obedience to God's calling.

I want to be those people.  I'm not talking specifically about adopting--it seems like all doors are shut to that one at the moment, so does not seem to be where He is leading.  I'm talking about readiness.  It is easy to say, "Sure, Lord, lead me according to thy will,"  or as I have been praying daily, "Please show us what you want of us, and give us the desire to do it."  But if we are always praying that while always sitting still, never starting to head in a direction we think He might want us to go, never venturing out in service to see if this is what He wants, then what do our prayers really mean?  It makes me think of the story of the priests who were told to cross the Jericho river into Caanan--the Scripture says the waters did not start to part until the head priest put his foot into the river.  They had to hear God and trust Him, and step out in faith before they were in place to receive all the blessings He had in store for them. 

Trust, like Love, is both a noun and a verb. So am I sitting on it, or doing it? 

I am not at ALL lucid at this moment--this darn cold is lingering, lingering, and my brain feels like fudge.  But maybe some of you are getting what I am trying to say.  I'd love to hear what God is telling any of you these days! 

amazing good, appalling bad, God the same either way

And this post I started way back. . . last Friday, and the part about us being healthy is no longer true (Smiley got a bad cold this wee, which I ended up with today. Yuck.) Anyway, I'm not going to bother editing to reflect it is being posted one week later--you can figure it out as you read. : )

My family is doing great.  After swapping illness around since almost Thanksgiving (coughs, fever, flu, stomache flu, colds--am I forgetting anything???), we are all healthy.  Well, mostly--DH rammed an expectectedly strong piece of rusty wire through the bottom of his boot last weekend, and into his foot.  He is hobbling around on crutches and is taking meds to fight infection, but really it's not as bad as it could have been.  And I managed to burn myself in two separate places at separate times on the same hand, but really it is already almost painless.  The weather is pretty nice for this time of year, the little earthquakes we have been having have almost not been noticable (3 last week, I think--I did not notice one of them). . . there is really not much going on bad in my world. . . .

But my world is much bigger than my immediate family, and there have been so many good/bad things going on all around me, things that make me appreciate my blessings even more, and keep turning to God in prayers of thanksgiving and of pleading and of praise.

This was my parents' car a few days before Christmas, when a stag leaped in front of their car as they were driving from their home in Illinois to visit my younger sister and her family in Mississippi for part of the holidays.  The state trooper who helped them at the scene told my dad that if the stag had hit the windshield a few inches lower, it would have most likely gone through the glass completely and my mom probably would have been killed there in the passenger seat.

But--thank the good Lord--except for some cuts and bruises (and an understandable touch of post traumatic stress) and getting glass washed out of her eyes at the ER, Mom is fine.  Dad is fine.  And even the car, they just learned this week, will be able to be fixed, and the insurance company is covering it.  In the middle of a scary, terrible situation, there is so much good.

This is an old friend from Colorado, Joanne.  Her blog A Simple Wife has graced my sidebar for as long as I can remember.  She is a truly lovely person--smart, funny, the epitome of gracious living.  She is one of those people who always has a kind and generous word for anyone, and whose home is beautifully decorated, but full of warmth and real life.  She is a writer, and a lover of God, and a homeschooling mom to two charming girls, who are about 12 and 10.  She is about my same age, so maybe just turned 40.  A couple of days ago, her youngest daughter came downstairs to find her mother lying on the floor--having just had a stroke.  A bad one.  And since then, things have not necessarily gotten better (please feel free to visit her blog to learn more--her husband Toben is making posts there in her absence, and their family welcomes all guests, and prayers).   While Joanne's life does not appear to be in immediate danger, her skull is actually open, and so the risk of a life-threatening infection is high.  And while they know Joanne has suffered major trauma, she has been in a medically induced coma, so they really have no idea how much she will have lost when she does wake up. 

And yet, there is even blessing in the midst of this horrible situation. Because a year ago Joanne and Toben had relocated to Arizona, and only just came back to Colorado this past Fall. The blessing part is clear in what Toben wrote just a short while ago in their shared blog, Our Crazy Marriage:

". . . being back in Colorado has been amazing. The biggest thing is that we are surrounded with Family. Joanne's folks are two miles away. Her sister and her family are another five miles further along. My folks are just down the freeway in Colorado Springs. And then there is the mish-mash of sort-of relatives that live nearby. It's amazing to have so much family so close. We probably see someone from our extended family every day, and it is a treat. The girls are especially loving the time with their grandparents, cousins and Aunt and Uncle. So the family part is great. There is just love and support from family that is special and unique in the world of relationships."

How so much more terrible would this situation be if they were not surrounded by loving, supportive family.  That is so huge.  And another blessing:  they did not homeschool their girls until last year when they were in Arizona.  But it was such a great experience for Joanne and her girls that they planned on continuing even after coming back to CO.  If Joanne is never quite the same Mom again, those girls will always remember that year and a half of homeschooling with their Mom, all that precious time shared.  And now that disaster has struck, the family has decided to put the girls back in the school they had been part of before--so even that choice is not as devastating as it might have been, since the girls are returning to something familiar.  I mean, yes this is looking on the bright side, but how much more awful this would be if the girls had always been homeschooled, and then were suddenly--right at their most traumatic point in their young lives--thrust into a whole new and scary and unfathomable world of public/private school.

It's like God gently arranged the details of where and when to make it as easy as possible on everyone.

Some people reading that sentence will likely think, "Well, if God was going to look out for them, why didn't He just stop the stroke?"  My short answer = what we experience in daily living is not what God designed for us.  But God gave humankind choice, we chose our own way over His paradise, and thus have things gone awry since.  The Bible says that all of creation groans under the burden of the "Fall."  So some bad things in life are the direct result of people sinning (that drunk driver that kills someone) but some are just the things that happen in a Fallen world (like cancer, and strokes).  This is my understanding of the way things are.  The good news is that God chose to redeem us, through Jesus, and can turn around anything bad for Good. 

Anything. So no one knows what the outcome of Joanne's stroke is going to be, but there might already be stuff happening as a result of this that is truly Good that we may or may not ever know about.  This is a silly example, but Toben mentioned in the blog getting condolences from Tiger Woods.  Yes, I guess the Tiger Woods.  I have no clue how he came to hear of their story, or why he would have been moved to contact them, but that right there is one of those things that proves that more is going on around us sometimes than we ever would have guessed.  Anything we do or say or experience has a ripple affect, and we might never know what positive effects came from it.  Or maybe we will someday, in heaven, looking back over our lives.   But what I do know, and what Toben and Joanne know, is that God is Good, He is completely trustworthy, and that's all that matters for now.

(I had more to share on this topic, but it will have to wait--feeling too poorly to sit and type now. : )  I'll hopefully get a chance to post part 2 in a few days. . . )

the coast is clear! and lots more

Started this post on Tuesday--not much time to blog this week yet!

Hey everybody!  Had a nice weekend visiting DH's parents and his grandma, and now am 100 percent sure MIL has not come across my blog--at least not recently--and we fixed our accidental security leak and all is well in my blog world!  : )  So this morning I took the blog off "private" and everything feels so much more right.

Well, actually it was a nice weekend, and yet it wasn't.  I talked a little bit in my "going private" post about how MIL and I are just alike enough and yet just dissimilar enough to rub each other wrong if we are not being careful in our interpersonal communication.  This weekend was an example of how things can very subtly and quickly start to go downhill, and how we end up feeding each other's negative feelings, even if no direct words are spoken in disagreement.  (And now I'm having a hard time formulating this all into well-flowing paragraphs, so I'm going to resort to bullets in an attempt at coherence)

--Much of what I do or say is wrong, and MIL feels is deserving of a strong lecture.  Some weekends, like this past one, it feels like everything I do or say is wrong.  Ends up being very tense and stressful, esp. because I start feeling attacked and then start acting guarded and fake (you know, the forced smile, the stiff movements) which I think then MIL picks up subconsciously as hostility/judgement, which then makes her more tense and thus more apt to use harsh words as self-protection, which makes me just react all the more. . . you get the idea.  Very negative cycle in which we are unintentionally feeding off of one another and things are feeling very ugly, even if there is not actual argument or even disagreement.

--I have been the focus of MIL's negativity since DH and I got married because of the reasons I stated in my "going private" post. I am the outsider (MIL only had sisters, DH only had a sister, and all the cousins are female, so I am the. only. female. to marry into a family of very strong women. Oy vey!). I took away MIL's son, and from her perspective have consistently failed to be the best wife to her son, and mother to her grandchildren. I am failing because I am choosing poorly (i.e. not choosing as she would) and she sees rightly that I am stubborn and will probably continue to choose poorly the rest of my life. 

--Even more so, she believes I sometimes do the opposite of what she tells me to do just to spite her.  So not only does she believe I am capable of ruining my family, but I might even do it intentionally just to be stubborn/rebellious. 

--Which leads her to fear for us, for our kids.  I think MIL often speaks from a place of worry, and distrust that DH and I are capable of making wise choices for ourselves and our family. And I can see the logic, from her perspective--she views us still as kids, who are inexperienced and foolish, and simply do not have the ability to think things through and come to the right decisions. And of course she believes she knows what the right decisions for us would be. And yes, if we were her, with her experiences and understandings, those decision would be right. But we are not her, so that is where our different views of reality clash and things get frustrating for us all.  I think partly it is her fear that leads her to try to control/manipulate what choices we make, which then causes DH and I to fall into the position of adversaries when we disagree, which then causes her to be even more strident interpersonally in her efforts to win, which then causes us to pull back relationally, which then I think leads to more fear and also feelings of rejection. . . .  What makes it even harder is that I can often see her reasoning and even agree with it, and the values behind it--but if we still choose a different outcome or action than the one prescribed, MIL takes it very hard.
--She has a hard time separating what is hers to worry about and decide and what is ours. Esp. when there is clear overlap, like when our kids are also her grandkids, and she feels very strongly that she knows what is best for them. That one is so hard, because I really, truly do value advice and guidance from other moms, esp. of the older generation. But when it is not given as advice but an order, it is hard to honor the parent while still being the parent that your kids need.  (Thank you, Lord, for the things you have so graciously shown me over the years, about when to stand firm, and when to let go.  Mostly letting go. ; )

--I believe MIL does not realize she is doing any of this, esp. the cutting words.  I think she would be shocked to hear how negative she is towards me--she truly cannot hear it.  I think she knows she is putting me in my place, so to speak, and is chosing that way of relating with me, but she does not realize how constant and hurtful it is. 

--I also believe she thinks she needs to say these things to me, to open my eyes to whatever truth she believes I cannot see.  Everything I do or say that is wrong is a symptom of some failing in me as a thoughtful decision-maker, as a wise mother, as a strong wife, etc.  Therefore, I need to hear the truth, and since no one else is going to say them to me, it is up to her.

--There is lot of truth in her view of me.  Esp, historically speaking; the root of her opinion of me is based upon the me who had just married her son, and was naive and foolish, and completely cowed by her, which led me to be false around her, which led her to believe I was false in nature, among other things.  Even now, I always have to prayerfully consider any words from her that hurt me--usually they hurt because there is a grain of truth to them, some painful little insight into the worst parts of me that I can't believe she has picked up on but which I am ultimately glad to be forced to process with God.  Those of you who know the concept of spirtual gifts--I believe she has the gift of discernment, but without the tempering of her spirit by the Holy Spirit, so she is not yet able to use this gift to build people up.

--From what I understand, this is a life-long interpersonal communication pattern, so she does it with everyone.  This knowledge actually helps me feel more compassionate towards her, even when things are going poorly between us. 

--I have been in heart-places like that before, where I was controlling and bossy and rude and I saw what I was doing and didn't like myself at all, but seemed unable to stop it.  And I was miserable, and then tried to control more, and that only made my relationships worse and me more miserable--Thankfully, God is faithful and helped me turn my heart back to Him and then everything else got so much easier and better.  I wonder if my MIL feels at all like that, even if some of the time, and my heart goes out to her.

--Hmmmm, and just now realizing maybe there was a greater purpose to those yucky places I have heart-walked.  Greater understanding and compassion for MIL?  (Wow, you go God!)

So, this weekend all the little negative comments and harsh words slowly added up, and MIL and I ended up being tense and strained and short-tempered with one another.  I am so thankful that MIL and I overall had a nice weekend, and were able to recover when we had little conflicts--backing off and cooling down and then moving forward, instead of allowing little conflicts to escalate into big arguments like we have done so much in the past.  We parted on good terms, and even with a hug.  DH and I left feeling pretty good about the weekend.

Until in the car on the way home, and he and I had this tiny verbal altercation, completely out of the blue, and I realized we had both been affected by the constant pressure of the weekend more than we had realized.  So we marked it and agreed to be careful with each other with our words this week.

And until the next morning when I ran to the groccery store for milk--and ended up getting some other things too because there were some great sales going on.  I had a cart of about 25 things and when I reached the checkout lanes, looked up and down to see what lanes were open--the only light on was in the express lane in front of me.  So I started to push my cart there, only to hear the cashier very rudely said, "Ma'am, this is the express lane.  Fifteen items or less."  I said, "Well, you are the only cashier with a light on."  She replied, "Well, you will have to go down to lane 8."  Okay, I thought, and wheeled over to lane 8, which did not have its light on.  But there was a cashier there, and as she started ringing up my things, I asked her why her light was not on.  "Oh, because I'm trying to close down."  I told her that I was not happy about just being yelled at by the express cashier and said why, and she (young thing who clearly did not get it and seemed puzzled why I was upset) said she could not do anything about that, but I could speak with a manager.  I said that would be great.  So after the nice young man with Down's Syndrome bagged up my grocceries I waited for the manager.  The bagger, like many people with Down's Syndrome, was very kind-hearted and was upset that I was clearly upset, and said several things to comfort me, including, I think, offering me a cup of coffee. 

When the manager came, he clearly got it right away.  I explained that they needed a different system, because it was not ok for me to be treated so rudely when I had just been trying to do what I thought they wanted me to do.  "Following the rules," he said, the perfect words.  I suggested they get a little bell to ding when they have a customer in that line, or to leave the light on, or just to tell the express cashier to say with a smile and a nice tone of voice, "Ma'am, the cashier down in lane 8 will be happy to help you."   

The manager was a good listener and made be feel heard.  As I left, the bagger called out to me again, asking if I was ok.  I reassured him I was--how could I not smile in response to his generous nature.

But as I pushed the cart out to the parking lot, and loaded by grocceries, I was aware that my hands were shaking.  And then, when I pushed my cart to the stand and walked back to the car, there was the bagger again, sent out to collect carts, and he called out one last time, "You alright?"  And after one last reassurance, I got into my car, and promptly burst into tears.  I realized my reaction was not really about the rude words of the express cashier, but about being so emotionally battered over the weekend.  It had affected me more than I had realized, and I was now experiencing just a touch of some kind of post traumatic stress!

Again, this was a relatively good weekend.  Things used to be really and truly horrible whenever we were together, and this was nothing in comparison.  And yet, it is clearly still something that we need to keep working on.  I am really proud of my MIL for how far we have come, because it has been so much harder for her than for me.  I mean, it has sucked being on the receiving end, but I trust that God has put me in this relationship for a reason, and I know without a doubt that I would now be a much worst person, interpersonally and spiritually and maturity-wise, if I had not gone through this needed "refining."  And no one drives me to the feet of Jesus more than that woman! ; )  And that last bit alone is worth being truly thankful for.  I'm serious. I am thankful for my MIL, and I am praying that she will someday see some good from all these years together, forgive me for everything I have done to hurt her (knowingly or not), and give over her hurt to God.  Then we will be able to truly move forward in our relationship!  I am so looking forward to that day!

And in the meantime, I think DH and I are going to stick to that three-day rule when visiting his folks. ; )

moments when i wish i had the magical power of making something work out

Look at this precious smile. . .

This blog post just breaks my heart. One kid, one story, one way someone could make such a beautiful difference in the world. . . I wish it could be me.  

Would you all please share this with anyone who has a heart for orphans?  And if your heart is so moved, would you please join me in praying for a miracle?

**UPDATE:  In a new post on the same blog, it appears that a family has come forward for this boy!  They can't give the details yet, but they think they are going to make this deadline and the boy will not lose his one chance to be in a family! 

going Private, temporarily

(If any of you were missing my overly-long, overly explained posts as of late, then this one is for you! ; )

Please let this post serve as explanation and apology to my readers who this past weekend, without warning or explanation, found yourselves without access.

Hey, if you are reading this, that means you cared or were curious enough to come back and see what was going on--thank you so much!  I had email addresses for my IRL friends and a few of my virtual village, so I could add a lot of you to the list of approved readers, but I know there are probably others who check in every now and then who might be wondering what was up.  (And please do not be offended in the least if you knew I had or could get my hands on your email address and yet I still did not add you--first of all, it feels weird and self-absorbed to assume people want to read your blog, and to start mailing out all these invites to be private readers. . . I did not like the feeling, so I decided to just add people if they happened to mention they wanted to be reading still.  But second of all, and most importantly, this move to "private" should only be temporary!  Hopefully for only another week--which was also why I did not try to add everyone who might possibly be interested.  I am trusting if you are interested, you will pop back around to check in at some point, and be pleasantly surprised that all is back to normal.  And will at that point see this post and get the answers to your questions. : )

Gotta love the changing verb tense all over that last paragraph.  Trying to write in the present to those of you reading in the future about something that happened in the past is a bit too much for me at this time of the day, esp. when I had not yet had my tea.

So, anyway, here is the story:

My Mother-in-Law and I started out our relationship on very rough terms.  It was very hard for her to give over her firstborn and only son into the hands of a young, naive, inexperienced, strange female.  Over the years our relationship has gone through several phases, with God being so, SO gracious and slowly moving us closer towards Him--and thus closer together.  We are now probably at the best point we have ever been together. We can sometimes spend hours together without negative words, and even the occassional laugh.  We try to listen to each other, and honor each other's feelings and wishes.  I think MIL's experience being with her daughter N when she went into emergency delivery and lost one of the twins had a profound impact on her.  My birthday (and her daughter's) happened while she was still out in Colorado, and I was completely bowled over when she sent me a very generous birthday check, "from Mom R."  When we visited them over Thanksgiving I asked her to tell me what happened the night N went into early labor, and we ended up sitting on a bed like girlfriends while she told me the story, and we even cried a little.  It was an incredibly precious moment for me.

But yet, things being so relatively good in our relationship right now makes me all the more aware of how fragile it all is, how quickly and easily we could slip back into old negative patterns of relating.  So DH and I make decisions accordingly, such as limiting our visits to his parents' home to about 3 days--longer, and the tension starts to rise and the odds of negativity increase.  Another decision is not to share this blog with MIL.  It's as much for her sake as for mine. 

I remember long, long ago, back when DH and I had been married for a couple of years, and had moved into our first house (which was also our largest house, at 1,200 sq. ft.--of course!) and I had gone back to school for my Master's and we were starting to think about having children--an exciting time in our lives.  That year I decided to send my annual Christmas letter, which I started doing after college for my college roommates and some friends and family, to DH's side of the family as well.  A few days later I received a phone call from MIL, who was very upset.  She felt that the letter was way too long and detailed (imagine that, from me?! ; ) and was inappropriate for a Christmas letter (it was a highly personal letter, as that year I had decided life was too short to write about fluff, so I shared some of my goals and things that God was teaching me, if I remember correctly).  As MIL went on and on, really angry, I slowly realized that I had offended her with the intrusion of my personal thoughts and feelings into her personal world, and into the world of her family.  She was truly offended, and so when she made me promise never to write a Christmas letter again that deviated from the usual fact-filled summary (you know, then Dick got a promotion, and we took this vacation, and then Junior turned 7, and it was a great year), I was glad to comply--in my head vowing never again to send any Christmas letter to her and FIL, for the sake of both our feelings.

And that is fine, no issue at all, esp. since I pretty much stopped writing Christmas letters anyway shortly thereafter.  But that's not the point--which is that this blog is ONE HUGE MOTHER OF ALL PERSONAL LETTERS that I am sure my MIL would find highly offensive.  Not even so much for the things I write about, although some of them she would disagree with/disapprove of, but just for the very fact that I would think so highly of myself and the value of my thoughts that I would think people would want to come and read whatever I have to say.    

(And really, that part is a little weird and uncomfortable for me, so I try not to think about it.  One of my biggest fears in life is that I will appear to others like I am looking for attention and acclaim--which is pretty funny when you realize I was a theatre major as an undergrad--and while I am perfectly comfortable having the center of attention--as in getting up to teach people or speak in front of a group--I loathe the idea that somehow I want that attention, you know what I mean?  When I serve at church, for example, I do it behind the scenes--organizing storage rooms and freecycling stuff the church doesn't need and taking food for the childcare workers occassionally--and not in front of the church.  I just don't want to be questioning why I am doing what I am doing--in service to God, I just want it to be about God.  So writing this blog is a very delicate balance between contentedly and eagerly sharing myself with friends, family, and readers of like mind--and being a vain, shallow, ego-driven narcissus!  Oh, I hope you read whatever I write knowing I am trying to always come from the former stance, and if I find myself ending up in the latter stance, I'll have to quit blogging.  Just one reason why I love giving up blogging for Lent--it keeps me humble, since it proves the world goes on quite nicely without benefit of my thoughts on it! ; )

I fully realize MIL will most likely one day find this blog.  I promise you if she does find it, she will read it!  So every thing I write about her, our family, our relationship, I try to filter through that lens--if/when she reads this, will it be fair and honest and not unloving?  When I write about other stuff, though, I don't think about her and what she will think of what I am saying--and I don't want to, because if I imagined her response to everything I write, I would never write anything.  She and I are very similar in so many ways; in fact, I think our similarity is what creates our clashes, not our differences.  We are just close enough to have most of the same values and ideals--but then they don't manifest in the same ways, or go to the same extremes, and so that almost seems to highlight how we think differently, moreso than if we could just wave a dismissing hand and say, of the other, "oh, that's just the way she is."  I think we both want the other to be more like us, and we are just close enough to being alike that not seeming to "get" eachother makes us both a little crazy. 

Is this at all making sense?

So, I do fear that if my MIL found this blog that I would have to stop writing, because then it would become a negative, unsafe space (even if just in my head).  Maybe not--and that is my hope, that by the time it happens, she and I will have grown to such a place together (and in our own secure self-identities) that she won't use my words as weapons against me, and if she does, that I will be able to hear her as I need to, and see her perspective through the lens of God's truth.  I want this blog to be a space of joy, of blessing, of honesty and vulnerability for anyone who visits.  If I can't write this way, then I will have to stop.  And, if the worst happened and the blog became a source of contention between MIL and me, I don't think making the blog private and purposefully shutting her out would be the solution.  That would be justifiable, but not loving.  I would love to be able to share my personal self with MIL, and for her to do the same back.  I really believe God is getting us there, slowly but surely.  So someday I look forward to having her as a reader.  But I don't think we are there yet!

And so, FINALLY, that is why I have to go private for a while.  Because of a stupid mistake DH and I made that left a trail to my blog that MIL could easily and would understandably follow.   I think we will be able to undo the mistake in a week, in which case the coast should be clear.  Until then, this is my effort to avoid any damage to our current good relationship.  I hope it works. 

If it was too late, and MIL is reading this. . . then, welcome, R!  Please go back and read the first post I made this year, to get a feel for what I am about in this space.  Then you are welcome to read anything I have written, and I would be happy to talk with you about it next time we are together.  And may God use this space to help grow us in understanding of one another, for His glory. : )

FYI: beautiful wood photo frames, on sale, free shipping!

I get emails from Exposures, the company that sells photo albums and other photo-related things, so when I got an email after Christmas about their additional post-holiday sale, I went to browse (to look for great prices on potential Christmas presents for next year--shhhhhhh) and saw these hanging picture frames:

I ordered the small round one, and when it arrived, I was amazed at how big and beautiful it was. I thought the whole diameter of the frame would be 6 inches, but that is actually just the photo space, so the whole frame is larger.  And what looked like kind of a distressed wood accent along the frame rim is really carving!  Basically these are truly gorgeous frames--much prettier in real life--at a really good price (the size I got was $16), and now they are offering another special with free shipping! Offer expires Jan 10.

Let's Play "What's Wrong With This Product?" Again!

Aforementioned coloring pages that kept the girls so happy in the car and which now adorn their bedroom. 

Princesses, check.  Required markers for blond hair, blue eyes, peach skin and pink dresses, check.  Hey, what more does a Disney princess coloring packet need? 

*hint:  take a good look at the princess in the middle.

Sigh.

Let's Play "What's Wrong With This Product?"

Christmas ornaments the girls received from the church we attended while visiting Colorado Springs.  Lovely church, generous teachers. . . um, idea that just does not work when mass-produced.

and a new prayer for Sweetness

Received this email from DH's mom today (she and FIL are visiting their daughter and her husband and their newest grand-daughter there in Colorado Springs right now):

"Sweetness's eye test today showed her at stage 2 (see article below)

Please pray for her complete eye healing and no progression...."



Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP)

By Cheryl Morrissette, About.com Guide
Updated January 12, 2010
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board


Retinopathy of prematurity, also called ROP, is a disease that affects the retina1 of the eye. ROP affects the blood vessels on the retina in a preemie's eyes, and is one of the leading causes of childhood blindness.

What is Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP)?

During pregnancy, the blood vessels in a baby's eyes begin to develop around 16 weeks gestation. By about the 34th week of pregnancy, the blood vessels in the eye are well developed enough that the retina has a good blood supply.

When babies are born early, the blood vessels on the retina are not fully developed. After birth, the vessels may begin to grow so quickly that their growth damages the retina. Retinopathy of prematurity (ROP) is the name for the improper growth of the blood vessels on the retina and the damage caused by that growth.

In most preemies who develop ROP, the growth of the retinal blood vessels will slow down on its own, and vision will develop normally. Some premature babies, though, develop severe ROP.

Stages of ROP

Retinopathy of prematurity is classified according to different stages. Higher stages of ROP are more severe, and more likely to cause blindness or long-term vision problems. Lower stages of ROP are less severe; most children with stage I and II ROP will improve without treatment and will have normal vision.

Stage 1: Mildly abnormal growth of retinal vessels. Usually gets better without any treatment and has no long-term effects.

Stage 2: Growth of retinal vessels is moderately abnormal. Usually gets better without any treatment and has no long-term effects.

Stage 3: Growth of retinal vessels is severely abnormal. Infants with stage 3 ROP may require treatment for ROP and have a higher risk of long-term vision problems. Infants with plus disease2, a sign that ROP is advancing quickly, usually require treatment at this stage.

Stage 4: Partial retinal detachment3. Usually requires treatment and may lead to long-term vision problems or blindness.

Stage 5: Complete retinal detachment. Requires treatment and may lead to long-term vision problems or blindness.

Diagnosing ROP

Retinopathy of prematurity is diagnosed during an eye exam. To prepare for the exam, eye drops are used to dilate the baby's pupils. During the exam, an ophthalmologist will look carefully at the retina to evaluate whether the vessels are growing appropriately and, if not, what part of the retina is showing signs of trouble.

Not all premature babies will need an exam to test for ROP. Hospitals vary in which babies are screened for ROP, but most babies born before 31 weeks gestation will have at least one exam to test for ROP. If the exam is inconclusive or the baby's eyes show signs of ROP, then follow-up exams will be scheduled periodically.

Treating ROP

Most cases of retinopathy of prematurity will get better on their own and require no treatment.

In stage 3 ROP and higher, treatment may be needed to stop the abnormal growth of blood vessels on the retina or to correct a retinal detachment. Types of treatment include cryotherapy, laser therapy, and retinal surgeries.

Cryotherapy: Cryotherapy uses cold temperatures to freeze parts of the retina that are affected by ROP, which stops the overgrowth of unhealthy blood vessels in the eye.

Laser therapy: Like cryotherapy, laser therapy is used to stop the overgrowth of unhealthy vessels on the retina. A laser is used to make small burns on the parts of the retina affected by ROP. Laser therapy usually has better results than cryotherapy and is used more often, but cryotherapy may still be used in certain cases. In order to preserve central vision, some peripheral vision may be lost with both cryotherapy and laser treatment.

Retinal surgeries: In stage 4 and 5 retinopathy of prematurity, the retina has begun to detach or is fully detached from the eye. A partial retinal detachment may get better on its own, or may require surgery. A completely detached retina almost always requires surgery.

Long Term Effects of ROP

Up to 90% of babies born before 31 weeks will develop some form of ROP. Most cases of ROP are mild and have no long-term consequences. Children who suffered from ROP as infants may be nearsighted, or may have strabismus4 or amblyopia5.

In cases of severe ROP, total vision loss may occur. Hospitals are much better at diagnosing and treating ROP before it causes blindness, but severe cases of ROP may still cause vision loss.

Oxygen Use and ROP

Supplemental oxygen is often used with respiratory support6 to help keep a baby's blood oxygen saturation7 at healthy levels. Adults and term infants need to keep oxygen saturations in the high 90s to stay healthy, but premature babies are different.

When premature baby care first became technologically possible, doctors and nurses worked hard to keep preemies' oxygen saturation at what would be a healthy level for adults. After much study, it was discovered that babies whose oxygen saturation was kept high had a much greater risk of developing ROP. Doctors and nurses can safely wean oxygen levels to keep oxygen saturation as low as 83% in preemies, helping to prevent ROP.

http://preemies.about.com/od/preemiehealthproblems/a/ROP.htm

another year, same prayer

Happy New Year, friends, family, and anyone else stopping by!

The post I made for New Years' last year is still one of my favorites, and this past Fall I learned that it is by far the #1 most-visited page on my blog! (869 pageviews to date! Thanks to all the images heisted from the internet. Ahem.) Reading it over today, I feel exactly the same as when I wrote it--everything I said last year is still true for where I stand today. But this does not discourage me--oh no! I may be struggling with some of the same issues, but that is life, no? And I can look back and see so much growth in myself over this past year, so repeating the same hopes for this New Year feels positive, proactive, like re-affirming with God that He is doing a good work in me indeed, and that I will again gladly follow where He will take me in this new year.

May God bless you all richly this year!

*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

I would really like to have made one more Christmas-wrap-up blog post before the New Year, but didn't make it. I also would really like to have brilliantly wrapped up 2009 with retrospective photos and snippets like some bloggers have done. . . but didn't do it. I have finished this year feeling pretty wrung out, emotionally and physically and mentally--but not in a bad, depressed kind of way, but in a "whew, glad that's over--let's regroup and get ready to jump back in!" kind of way.

This past year was one of the hardest overall that I have experienced. Seems like in past years I have had rough moments, or relationships, or heart issues that I had to deal with but could then move forward from; this year the rough just kept coming, with my house/stuff continually frustrating me, my kids working through some yucky phases, our homeschooling seeming to peter out for no reason. . . Life for the past few months has seemed harder than it should be, and less rewarding and less fruitful.


But I am not so sure it has to do with my life circumstances as much as it has to do with me, and my faulty responses to the "hardships" of life. (And I must use quotation marks, because overall I have to admit I have a REALLY EASY life! with GREAT kids! and a SOLID husband! and a little house to manage pretty much AS I SEE FIT. And as I am always reminded of how blessed I am to have all these things--when so many people do not).

The charming work of artist Mary Engelbreit seems to perfectly sum up my feelings about this past year, and my hope for this new year. So here are some of my hopes and goals for this next year, illustrated:

I am the Queen of all I Survey--

may this daily truth bring me contentment with what is and inspiration for what might yet be

With wisdom and patience, may I help my daughters grow into their status and responsibilities as Daughters of the King.

May my home truly be a place of peace and joy and love--a comfort to all who dwell within, a refuge for those who visit. And yet may I be inspired to leave its comforts and seek adventure more often!

May I find joy in my daily labor, and humor in its daily futility.

May schooling my children be fruitful: to their minds, their hearts and their spirits.

May I dwell in this Truth daily.

May I learn to live more fully in the moment, and keep my focus on the positive.

May I be a tool for spreading love and encouragement in the world.

May I continue to be blessed with the love of others.

May I take the best care possible of my own little God-given sphere.

I am looking forward to 2010 2011. How about you?

Happy New Year to one and all!