the coast is clear! and lots more

Started this post on Tuesday--not much time to blog this week yet!

Hey everybody!  Had a nice weekend visiting DH's parents and his grandma, and now am 100 percent sure MIL has not come across my blog--at least not recently--and we fixed our accidental security leak and all is well in my blog world!  : )  So this morning I took the blog off "private" and everything feels so much more right.

Well, actually it was a nice weekend, and yet it wasn't.  I talked a little bit in my "going private" post about how MIL and I are just alike enough and yet just dissimilar enough to rub each other wrong if we are not being careful in our interpersonal communication.  This weekend was an example of how things can very subtly and quickly start to go downhill, and how we end up feeding each other's negative feelings, even if no direct words are spoken in disagreement.  (And now I'm having a hard time formulating this all into well-flowing paragraphs, so I'm going to resort to bullets in an attempt at coherence)

--Much of what I do or say is wrong, and MIL feels is deserving of a strong lecture.  Some weekends, like this past one, it feels like everything I do or say is wrong.  Ends up being very tense and stressful, esp. because I start feeling attacked and then start acting guarded and fake (you know, the forced smile, the stiff movements) which I think then MIL picks up subconsciously as hostility/judgement, which then makes her more tense and thus more apt to use harsh words as self-protection, which makes me just react all the more. . . you get the idea.  Very negative cycle in which we are unintentionally feeding off of one another and things are feeling very ugly, even if there is not actual argument or even disagreement.

--I have been the focus of MIL's negativity since DH and I got married because of the reasons I stated in my "going private" post. I am the outsider (MIL only had sisters, DH only had a sister, and all the cousins are female, so I am the. only. female. to marry into a family of very strong women. Oy vey!). I took away MIL's son, and from her perspective have consistently failed to be the best wife to her son, and mother to her grandchildren. I am failing because I am choosing poorly (i.e. not choosing as she would) and she sees rightly that I am stubborn and will probably continue to choose poorly the rest of my life. 

--Even more so, she believes I sometimes do the opposite of what she tells me to do just to spite her.  So not only does she believe I am capable of ruining my family, but I might even do it intentionally just to be stubborn/rebellious. 

--Which leads her to fear for us, for our kids.  I think MIL often speaks from a place of worry, and distrust that DH and I are capable of making wise choices for ourselves and our family. And I can see the logic, from her perspective--she views us still as kids, who are inexperienced and foolish, and simply do not have the ability to think things through and come to the right decisions. And of course she believes she knows what the right decisions for us would be. And yes, if we were her, with her experiences and understandings, those decision would be right. But we are not her, so that is where our different views of reality clash and things get frustrating for us all.  I think partly it is her fear that leads her to try to control/manipulate what choices we make, which then causes DH and I to fall into the position of adversaries when we disagree, which then causes her to be even more strident interpersonally in her efforts to win, which then causes us to pull back relationally, which then I think leads to more fear and also feelings of rejection. . . .  What makes it even harder is that I can often see her reasoning and even agree with it, and the values behind it--but if we still choose a different outcome or action than the one prescribed, MIL takes it very hard.
--She has a hard time separating what is hers to worry about and decide and what is ours. Esp. when there is clear overlap, like when our kids are also her grandkids, and she feels very strongly that she knows what is best for them. That one is so hard, because I really, truly do value advice and guidance from other moms, esp. of the older generation. But when it is not given as advice but an order, it is hard to honor the parent while still being the parent that your kids need.  (Thank you, Lord, for the things you have so graciously shown me over the years, about when to stand firm, and when to let go.  Mostly letting go. ; )

--I believe MIL does not realize she is doing any of this, esp. the cutting words.  I think she would be shocked to hear how negative she is towards me--she truly cannot hear it.  I think she knows she is putting me in my place, so to speak, and is chosing that way of relating with me, but she does not realize how constant and hurtful it is. 

--I also believe she thinks she needs to say these things to me, to open my eyes to whatever truth she believes I cannot see.  Everything I do or say that is wrong is a symptom of some failing in me as a thoughtful decision-maker, as a wise mother, as a strong wife, etc.  Therefore, I need to hear the truth, and since no one else is going to say them to me, it is up to her.

--There is lot of truth in her view of me.  Esp, historically speaking; the root of her opinion of me is based upon the me who had just married her son, and was naive and foolish, and completely cowed by her, which led me to be false around her, which led her to believe I was false in nature, among other things.  Even now, I always have to prayerfully consider any words from her that hurt me--usually they hurt because there is a grain of truth to them, some painful little insight into the worst parts of me that I can't believe she has picked up on but which I am ultimately glad to be forced to process with God.  Those of you who know the concept of spirtual gifts--I believe she has the gift of discernment, but without the tempering of her spirit by the Holy Spirit, so she is not yet able to use this gift to build people up.

--From what I understand, this is a life-long interpersonal communication pattern, so she does it with everyone.  This knowledge actually helps me feel more compassionate towards her, even when things are going poorly between us. 

--I have been in heart-places like that before, where I was controlling and bossy and rude and I saw what I was doing and didn't like myself at all, but seemed unable to stop it.  And I was miserable, and then tried to control more, and that only made my relationships worse and me more miserable--Thankfully, God is faithful and helped me turn my heart back to Him and then everything else got so much easier and better.  I wonder if my MIL feels at all like that, even if some of the time, and my heart goes out to her.

--Hmmmm, and just now realizing maybe there was a greater purpose to those yucky places I have heart-walked.  Greater understanding and compassion for MIL?  (Wow, you go God!)

So, this weekend all the little negative comments and harsh words slowly added up, and MIL and I ended up being tense and strained and short-tempered with one another.  I am so thankful that MIL and I overall had a nice weekend, and were able to recover when we had little conflicts--backing off and cooling down and then moving forward, instead of allowing little conflicts to escalate into big arguments like we have done so much in the past.  We parted on good terms, and even with a hug.  DH and I left feeling pretty good about the weekend.

Until in the car on the way home, and he and I had this tiny verbal altercation, completely out of the blue, and I realized we had both been affected by the constant pressure of the weekend more than we had realized.  So we marked it and agreed to be careful with each other with our words this week.

And until the next morning when I ran to the groccery store for milk--and ended up getting some other things too because there were some great sales going on.  I had a cart of about 25 things and when I reached the checkout lanes, looked up and down to see what lanes were open--the only light on was in the express lane in front of me.  So I started to push my cart there, only to hear the cashier very rudely said, "Ma'am, this is the express lane.  Fifteen items or less."  I said, "Well, you are the only cashier with a light on."  She replied, "Well, you will have to go down to lane 8."  Okay, I thought, and wheeled over to lane 8, which did not have its light on.  But there was a cashier there, and as she started ringing up my things, I asked her why her light was not on.  "Oh, because I'm trying to close down."  I told her that I was not happy about just being yelled at by the express cashier and said why, and she (young thing who clearly did not get it and seemed puzzled why I was upset) said she could not do anything about that, but I could speak with a manager.  I said that would be great.  So after the nice young man with Down's Syndrome bagged up my grocceries I waited for the manager.  The bagger, like many people with Down's Syndrome, was very kind-hearted and was upset that I was clearly upset, and said several things to comfort me, including, I think, offering me a cup of coffee. 

When the manager came, he clearly got it right away.  I explained that they needed a different system, because it was not ok for me to be treated so rudely when I had just been trying to do what I thought they wanted me to do.  "Following the rules," he said, the perfect words.  I suggested they get a little bell to ding when they have a customer in that line, or to leave the light on, or just to tell the express cashier to say with a smile and a nice tone of voice, "Ma'am, the cashier down in lane 8 will be happy to help you."   

The manager was a good listener and made be feel heard.  As I left, the bagger called out to me again, asking if I was ok.  I reassured him I was--how could I not smile in response to his generous nature.

But as I pushed the cart out to the parking lot, and loaded by grocceries, I was aware that my hands were shaking.  And then, when I pushed my cart to the stand and walked back to the car, there was the bagger again, sent out to collect carts, and he called out one last time, "You alright?"  And after one last reassurance, I got into my car, and promptly burst into tears.  I realized my reaction was not really about the rude words of the express cashier, but about being so emotionally battered over the weekend.  It had affected me more than I had realized, and I was now experiencing just a touch of some kind of post traumatic stress!

Again, this was a relatively good weekend.  Things used to be really and truly horrible whenever we were together, and this was nothing in comparison.  And yet, it is clearly still something that we need to keep working on.  I am really proud of my MIL for how far we have come, because it has been so much harder for her than for me.  I mean, it has sucked being on the receiving end, but I trust that God has put me in this relationship for a reason, and I know without a doubt that I would now be a much worst person, interpersonally and spiritually and maturity-wise, if I had not gone through this needed "refining."  And no one drives me to the feet of Jesus more than that woman! ; )  And that last bit alone is worth being truly thankful for.  I'm serious. I am thankful for my MIL, and I am praying that she will someday see some good from all these years together, forgive me for everything I have done to hurt her (knowingly or not), and give over her hurt to God.  Then we will be able to truly move forward in our relationship!  I am so looking forward to that day!

And in the meantime, I think DH and I are going to stick to that three-day rule when visiting his folks. ; )