strangers on a blog

It has been really fun so far to see who occassionally comes by this blog. (And those of you who have not yet joined the party, please do!) This whole realm of blogging still feels pretty new to me; even newer to me is participating in the blogs of other people who I don't know IRL (that's "In Real Life," Mom). And so, as to be expected, I am really clumsy and insecure in doing it.

Those of you who know me IRL can vouch that I am quite sociable and not the least bit afraid to walk up to strangers and start a conversation. But not random strangers, on the street, out of the blue (unless I need directions, or its Easter or something). I do it in social settings where the stranger and I have a reason to connect, like in the foyer at church, or at the playground if our kids are the same age. I believe we are all made to be relational creatures, and have a built-in desire to know and be known. So it does not seem like a big deal to me to strike up conversation with a stranger--it seems pretty natural.

But I also do it purposefully, because I myself hate to be the uncomfortable outsider, the one who is feeling awkward and unsure. So if I notice someone who seems alone, momentarily adrift and casting for a line, I want to give it. Maybe I am not always right in assessing a stranger's desire to be noticed and acknowledged, but it is rare that the person does not seem pleased by the gesture.

Especially when they get a compliment--I really enjoy pointing out something lovely I notice in women I briefly meet, whether it be how the color of one woman's sweater brings out the color in her eyes, or if she looks fabulous in a dress she clearly took pains with that day. Everything I say is simple and true, but usually brings a smile. But again, it is really just me projecting onto strangers my own feelings, what would make my day--compliments from friends and loved ones are awesome, but generous words from a stranger sometimes seem to mean more, just because there is no alterior motive--like love--behind them.

I am also big on passing along any good gossip--by that I mean anything nice a friend says about another friend. You will be sure to hear that from me! Spread the love, I say!

Before you think I am talking myself up as this amazing interpersonal communicator, I should tell you I am also horrible for completely forgetting people I have met. I don't just mean forgetting names, which I do right about the exact second the person introduces him or herself, I mean actually not remembering ever seeing the person before in my life. Someone will say "Hi" at church and I can tell by her enthusiastic tone that she means it in a personal way--like we have met before--and I am sure I get a "deer in the headlights" kind of look while my brain scrambles to think, think, when did I speak to this person before?! It is so embarassing. I used to just fake it and try to remember later--these days I just admit it right off and say, "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name" and hope when they say it everything will come flooding back.

ANYWAY, talking to perfect strangers IRL is sooooooooo different than commenting to a blog. When I strike up conversation with the mom at the playground, it is mainly because it seems ridiculous for two grown-ups who have something in common to be standing near each other while pretending to not notice each other, when a hello and brief, friendly exchange of words would be so much more logical and positive. And maybe even beneficial! One of my closest friends out here in CA, Cathy, and I met when we struck up conversation in the nursing moms room at a church D and I were trying out. Another friend, Lisa, and I met when we started chatting while our girls were in the same gymnastics class.

Conversely, my dear Rosa and I realized after we became friends that we had been in the same place at the same time on two different occassions, years before we really knew each other. And both times we each did not strike up conversation with the other because we were feeling like the outsider at that moment. Oh, the wasted friendship time!

But IRL I have the benefit of trying to interpret and respond to the vibes of the stranger in front of me. If the person gives off the least inclination that she would rather I not be talking to her, I can politely and nonchalantly fade away. It is not nearly as easy in the blog world.

I summed up my feelings on the topic in a comment I posted a while back to The Happy (atheist) Homemaker:

It is also weird to comment to the blogs of strangers, esp. to "follow" them--feels a wee bit stalkerish. I found your blog because of your kind and intelligent comments to Emily over on her blog, and keep visiting because you keep writing about things that are familiar to my own experiences, and because you write with such gusto. I make comments to strangers' blogs sometimes because I love comments in my own blog, and are encouraged by them.

But sometimes I feel like an annoying second-cousin-twice-removed at a big family gathering who is always listening to other people's conversations and butting in, not noticing the patient expressions on the faces of those she is talking to, nor the rolled eyes when she has her say and resumes her prowl around the house. ; )

Specifically in reference to Atheist Mama's blog: when I discovered her blog and started commenting, I first thought she "liked me" but was worried I was coming off too gushy, too familiar; then I thought I had offended her--ok, I am pretty sure I did offend her, but also pretty sure she later forgave me; then it seemed like she stopped responding to my comments and I thought, oh, no, she just wants me to go away; but I did not want her to think I was flighty and shallow--and I kept making comments to show her no, I'm following your blog for the long haul, honey, I care about YOU! but trying to keep the comments light and as un-stalkerish or annoying auntieish as possible; then I wondered why the heck I cared what a perfect stranger thought of me and had just decided to politely and nonchalantly fade away--which would mean still reading her blog, since it is great, but restraining myself from commenting--when the very next morning she so generously "nominated" me for my first blog "awards" and made me feel like a normal, not annoying, not stalkerish, virtual acquaintance.

Oy vey! The psychological drama! (And now when Atheist Mama reads all that I'll be back on her stalker list. ; ) That whole thought process I experienced over the course of several weeks was pathetic, and yet, in retrospect, a little fascinating, too. Hers was the first blog I ever commented to as a stranger, and I did not know how to behave! I could not read the cues! I could not be sure how I was coming across, and how to know if she didn't want me hanging around anymore! Heck, maybe she still doesn't, and she is just too nice to tell me. The point is, while I generally have no problem talking to strangers IRL, I am interpersonally at a loss in the virtual realm--but hopefully will learn. Because I am "meeting" some very cool women in their blogs, and think I just might end up part of a small, friendly, online community. And that would be pretty awesome.

And the best part--I won't have to struggle to remember their names.

I raise my tea cup to all of you who have been brave enough to comment on my blog, esp. those of you who were--until this week--perfect strangers. Please comment away, or go back to comfortably lurking--but now you know I will never judge you either way. ; )