fear

ok, this is my last posting for this first day. (i think i have gotten in some good posting time considering the kids and laundry and meals and all!) i just wanted there to be some postings to make your first visit to my blog seem worth the effort. : )

this one has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks. a couple of sundays back one of our pastors said something in the service about fear. i don't even remember his point, other than that fear can lead to us disobeying God or something like that. that our sin is often a direct result of some fear we are harboring. what i do remember is the sudden flash of realization that struck me: that my struggle with poor mothering these days may be partly from fear. the fear that it is up to me to a)make the girls behave and make all the right choices, and b)make them turn out "right." then the fear leads me to overreact when they disobey (or otherwise act like children) and the result is that i feel like i am always yelling (or scolding, or lecturing--i.e. being witchy mommy). the fear must them stem from the belief that somehow i can control how they act and will turn out as adults. not true--i can only model appropriate behaviour, discipline and encourage but i can't MAKE them. so the more they are acting out, the more i am trying to control their behaviour, which only leads to more acting out, etc. and the other, more base truth is that God is in control. if i believe He is really sufficient, then i can let go to the need to control their every decision and make them "good," and instead focus instead on making myself "good," and trusting that it will be enough. for if i am doing everything i should be doing, then our home lifewill have a strong foundation of love, patience, self-controlled behaviour, gentleness, selflessness, generosity, etc. how could my kids turn out all that bad if forming their character in such an environment? it is kinda like revisiting that old maxim: let go and let God.

hopefully this made some sense. of course, the main reason i am a poor mother at times is from pure selfishness! but that is fodder for another post, another day. . .