Blessings

I just finished reading the posting today of my dear friend who lost her oldest son to neuroblastoma a little over a year ago. She had linked to a heartbreakingly honest and sad and uplifting and convicting blog essay written by another mom who also lost a child and compared it to losing an arm. I was reminded once again of how petty I am (I am one of the women who sometimes complains about how fat-wristed or achy she is, forgetting those are reminders of her two armed-ness). Before we had kids, I was always struck when parents I knew would complain about their kids--they made life sound miserable and I always thought a) well, why did you have them then? and b) I will never have that attitude when I am a parent--if I ever have kids, I won't complain about them. Of course, now I am ungrateful and negative a great deal of the time--although luckily God does not let me get away with doing it unwittingly, and so I hear myself and try to be positive again, if only for the next five minutes, until they do something else to bug me. ; ) But seriously, I am so thankful that God has given me the ability to see myself and mu flaws in this area (and in a couple other)--how much better to be trying and failing at living a life of gratitude and graciousness than never trying at all, than wallowing in the muck of snippy self-centered negativity.

So if I sound too goody-goody in my bio for this blog, and its heading, it is for a reason: I am not trying to pretend life if great and all is as it should be. (reading any of my postings will leave you assured on that point.) I am trying to remind myself of what Matters and what is Good and Worthwhile. I appreciate the glimpses into this worldview I get from some of my dear friends, and from good books ("No one should write a book God would not like to read"--Enchanted April) and even good movies.

And now, one of my blessings is awake and screaming!

e. e. cummings - i thank you God for most this amazing

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Not so fun in the kitchen anymore

A few of you have asked me how the groccery experiment is going. Technically, it is still going strong! Still have not been to the store (aside from the Costco run a while back). But I am starting to cheat: D went to the store the other day to pick up milk, and while he was there I had him pick up eggs and bread too. And he came home with juice too. So, while technically I have not gone to the store, we are supplementing just enough with some staples that I am starting to rely on them for at least one meal a day, and the result is that we are not using up the odds n ends as quickly as before, and our diet is getting less varied. Getting harder to whip up a good meal from what is left in the larder, so I'll feed us on the easy stuff made with the bread, eggs, milk, etc! But we have used up a lot of stuff that I probably would have ignored for at least a few months longer--all that frozen pumpkin is almost gone, much of the dried beans and forlorn but still good bits in the fridge like the pickled beets mom made this fall (overlooked, not underappreciated, all the way in the back of the bottom shelf). But what is left is also more random and potentially not as good: today I am going to see if a bag of dried black beans that was "best before 091707" is still good, and have G make up some jello jigglers from boxes lingering on the shelf (jello being one of those things I buy on a whim every now and then and never make and end up giving to a food drive). When you start serving your family pickles because you imagine they might count as a green vegetable, then it is time to be done with the groccery challenge.

We have experimented with some success (carribean spiced pumpkin oatmeal being pretty good, as is oatmeal cooked with persimmon, raisins, and cinnamon), and our breakfasts in particular have been much more fun since I started this--we were pretty well entrenched in a cereal rut. My kitchen is so much neater than it was, since relatively empty cupboards are inspiration to wash and wipe. I have tried to be a good steward of the bounty which God so graciously provides for us constantly, and it has helped me to be thankful and thinking purposefully of future shopping. And it has even brought up some heart issues, of which I needed to repent, since much of the stuff that is not as natural for me to cook with are blessings from family who bring loads of food whenever they visit us (and the odd variety often makes me feel like we are a convenient place to unload unwanted goods) and I need to accept the blessings as what they are and not resent the intrusion of food I don't want into my cupboards. Hear that: food I don't want. How over-pampered are we, that I could snub perfectly good food just because it is not what I would have bought! And how petty-hearted, to not give genuine thanks for a gift. In fact, I have decided to take the sometimes strange offerings as a compliment--the giver thinks I am a resourceful and clever enough cook to use those things that she could not! ; )

So, all in all, good things came out of this past groccery-shopping free month. But I am craving fresh veggies (never have the humble onion and potato and zucchini been so elevated in my mind) and am already dreaming of the first dishes I will make once I do go shopping. So, today I think I will break down and go to the store. Or maybe tomorrow. ; )

Music to make you shudder

And here is one I just found while surfing youtube for a few minutes with my tea this morning:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypycpKQxXR0

Someone's Frankenstein-like music software experiment with "Roxanne" by the Police. Carnival-esque: creepy, yet fascinating. And did I mention funny?

(Sorry I could not get the video to load, so you will have to follow the link on your own, if you are interested)

Trapped in the Drive-Thru

**I fixed the upload, so now it looks like the whole thing is there, if you had wanted to watch. sorry about that! i am still way in the learning curve!

Weird Al has so many good parodies--"Amish Paradise," "White and Nerdy," and of course "Eat It" are at the top of the list of what I have heard. But this sublime treasure--the banality of the lyrics, coupled with (pun intended, if you have seen the original) the tragic intensity of tone, heightened by its length--is Yankovic's greatest triumph.

It is a parody of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" which is in itself a bizarre, convoluted, hours long (seems like) video soap-opera serial. But I'd watch this one instead--Weird Al has a great voice and the subject matter of his drama, unlike Kelly's, is suitable for viewing in front of the children.

God breeze

God will gently nudge my spirit through many different means--often through the casual words spoken by a friend, or through something I read or see (often in the most unexpected places, like the Muppet Christmas Carol or a newspaper article about strippers--I can never anticipate how He will whisper this time, but am always humbled and grateful when it happens). FlyLady (wise woman of the web) calls it a "God breeze," which I love because of the imagery, which reminds me of the passage from I Kings chapter 19, when Elijah is fleeing from those who had vowed to kill him, and is hiding in a cave.

And the word of the Lord came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

Elijah replied with a little pity party of one, and in response, God said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood in the mouth of the cave. . . .

I have heard that whisper several times, almost audibly--hearing words in my head that voice ideas not from my own heart or mind! calm, gentle words speaking truth that at that moment I was not capable of formulating on my own, but which I clearly needed to hear. I hope to share some of my cherished "God stories" in this blog, when I get the chance. But today I just wanted to share an excerpt from a work of fiction I am reading, that God used to convict me about a heart issue of mine, finally giving me words for describing and thus acknowledging my deficiency.

From "The Lost Princess" (also published as "The Wise Woman") by George MacDonald

By this time her old disposition had begun to rouse again. She had been doing her duty, and had in consequence begun again to think herself Somebody. However strange it may well seem, to do one's duty will make anyone conceited who only does it sometimes. Those who do it always would as soon think of being conceited of eating their dinner as of doing their duty. What honest boy would pride himself on not picking pockets? A theif who was trying to reform would. To be conceited of doing one's duty is then a sign of how little one does it, and how little one sees what a contemptible thing it is not to do it. Could any but a low creature be conceited of not being contemptible? Until our duty becomes to us common as breathing, we are poor creatures.

Another conviction that I am not parenting as I should too often. If I am proud at the end of the day because I did not yell at the girls, it is a sign not of what a good mother I am, but of how much I have yet to be reformed into one. Same with the dishes, with cooking, with all the duties I tend to procrastinate away, justifying quite well with tiredness or baby needs or something why I had good reason not to do my duty. I tend to live in that cushiony realm of self-allowance. And it is true that I do not have to keep my house spotless to meet some worldly Marthaish ideal, and it is ok to leave the dishes overnight, even for no good reason other than I don't feel like doing them! But when these actions that lead to crumbling apart become habits--the norm!--then I need to consider what deeper heart/mind/body need I am not addressing.

Today it is a reminder of what duty is. and how far I am from living a dutiful life. If doing my duty here at home became like breathing, how free my mind and hands would be! lifted up from the mundane labor itself and released into the creative, contemplative act of worship! my daily life would not be a chore, as I too often see it, but the moment by moment manifestation of my blessings.

something beautiful.

forgive my fumbling words--the idea caught at me so much that i struggled to convey it! but this blog is NOT about me saying everything right, in the most accurate or poetic way, so don't expect it of me. : )

good laughs, not for the prudish

oh, those Brits! image and article from the New York Times

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/23/world/europe/23crapstone.html?_r=2

fear

ok, this is my last posting for this first day. (i think i have gotten in some good posting time considering the kids and laundry and meals and all!) i just wanted there to be some postings to make your first visit to my blog seem worth the effort. : )

this one has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks. a couple of sundays back one of our pastors said something in the service about fear. i don't even remember his point, other than that fear can lead to us disobeying God or something like that. that our sin is often a direct result of some fear we are harboring. what i do remember is the sudden flash of realization that struck me: that my struggle with poor mothering these days may be partly from fear. the fear that it is up to me to a)make the girls behave and make all the right choices, and b)make them turn out "right." then the fear leads me to overreact when they disobey (or otherwise act like children) and the result is that i feel like i am always yelling (or scolding, or lecturing--i.e. being witchy mommy). the fear must them stem from the belief that somehow i can control how they act and will turn out as adults. not true--i can only model appropriate behaviour, discipline and encourage but i can't MAKE them. so the more they are acting out, the more i am trying to control their behaviour, which only leads to more acting out, etc. and the other, more base truth is that God is in control. if i believe He is really sufficient, then i can let go to the need to control their every decision and make them "good," and instead focus instead on making myself "good," and trusting that it will be enough. for if i am doing everything i should be doing, then our home lifewill have a strong foundation of love, patience, self-controlled behaviour, gentleness, selflessness, generosity, etc. how could my kids turn out all that bad if forming their character in such an environment? it is kinda like revisiting that old maxim: let go and let God.

hopefully this made some sense. of course, the main reason i am a poor mother at times is from pure selfishness! but that is fodder for another post, another day. . .

still got it (or, well, at least i had it for an hour last thurs)

this is such a silly bit of pleasure that i did tell two of you about it last week. but the warm fuzzies from this are lingering into this week, so i will tell the rest of you. : )

after that costco run last thurs i went to go pick up G at her martial arts class. few minutes early--not enough to get B and E out of their carseats, but just enough to stand and do nothing at the side of the car, just leaning and soaking up the sunshine. notice the man in the car parked behind us--young, handsome, black, dreadlocked. had seen him and another guy a few weeks back at this same time of day throwing around a football in the parkinglot, presumably on his morning break. he never dropped the ball, and used this to tease his throwing partner--good-natured bragging. did i mention he was shirtless this day and quite ripped? anyway, thursday as he gets out of his car and heads back to his work--assuming he had been on break--i smile as he passes and say, "no football today, huh?" and he smiles back behind shades and says, "naw, naw, not today." and then, as he passes me, he says "girl, you are hot! mmmmmmmmmm, you are hot!" to which i give a quick, grateful thank you.

my immediate first thought to him: oh, you are good.

second thought: he must have sisters. (how many guys would even look twice at a mom standing in front of a full min-van, let alone think she could be considered sexy. i think you have to appreciate women as people first to see past the motherhood)

third thought: when was the last time my husband said that to me? ; )

but still, the warm glow lingers. silly, but heck, i needed that!

kitchen games

So i have been playing this game called "let's see how long we can go without a trip to the grocery store." I have not been to safeway or trader joe's since right before Christmas. We did go up to visit d's great-grandma after Christmas, so were gone for 5 days and brought back a little food with us, and we have gotten pizza i think twice, and a friend asked once if i needed anything from the store and so i had her get me milk. We have used up staples bit by bit, until the high point (desperation point?) of the game was last week, when we were out of milk, juice, eggs, bread, nuts, cheese, canned beans, peanut butter, all fresh fruits and vegetables except a lemon and some brussel sprouts. No tofu, no instant food--like canned soup--and you know we don't generally have meat on hand. Every meal has been a challenge, but it has been fun to see if i can come up with something resembling a nutritous meal from so little "normal" eatery. For example, breakfast one morning the girls had herbal tea, great-grandma's home canned applesauce, and cornbread with butter. Lunch one day was popcorn, dried persimmons, black olives, pretzel sticks, and the last of the raw carrots. Dinner one night was carribean pumpkin and yellow split pea soup with the last not yet stale crackers. As i foraged deeper into the freezer and cupboards, every little surpise find was like a gift: oooh! a little bit of peanuts in a bag! oh wait--a few slices of bread lost on the way back bottom shelf of the fridge! yay! my friend brought bread and peanut butter and apples for me to feed all our children with during this homeschool playdate! We have started to use food we have had forever but which i never felt like using: great-grandma's canned fruits, which are good but have lots of sugar; the frozen left-over squash d's folks overblessed us with last fall; the dried beans i buy out of frugality but which i never make out of shortsightedness; the muffin mixes and other yummies we have received as gifts but which i tend to save for some more worthwhile occassion than just a regular meal.

So i finally broke down last thurs and went to costco, and got bread, milk, eggs, cheese, canned tomatoes and a box of fresh spinach. Which was good, because the next night i ended up needing to make a dinner for a family whose daughter had just come home from the hospital. I could delve back into the corners of the fridge and shelves and whip up an omelette with sun-dried tomatoes, spinach and feta and send it with harvest muffins (from a box) and frozen peaches from doug's great-grandma's trees. not bad, under the circumstances.

so now i am curious to see how long this game can continue. i still have a little cheese and some of the fresh spinach, but no other fresh veggies, not even onions or potatoes. I have some frozen corn and peas. we have half a loaf of bread. After going a week without milk, the milk from my thurs costco was devoured, so d picked up some last night.

night before last i made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup (from canned tomato sauce--an experiment that overall went well). Last night we had 15 bean soup with canned tomatoes, some bullion cubes (only one of those left), crushed fresh garlic sauteed in olive oil, snipped spinach added at the very end, pepper. Again, pretty good! tonight i think i will make baked macaroni shells and cheese. but tomorrow. . . ?

in the beginning

well, my dear friends, i am starting this blog for one simple reason: for the past two weeks, there have been too many little snippets of thought, mini-revelations about life or parenting or wifery, and tidbits of humor from my daily life that i thought each of you might enjoy hearing--but which i got to share with only one of you, or maybe noone. i am not saying my life is all that interesting, but yet those of you with whom i will share this blog are dear, sweet friends and i trust will be interested in what interests me. : ) i believe this because of the simple pleasure i receive from reading the blogs of those of you who have them--esp. you my oldest and dearest sister friend in CO. i appreciate knowing what is in your mind and heart for that day, and so now offer you the same in return!

so, i do not promise anything amazing, inspiring, pithy, or even capitalized. come to read, or don't--i will love you all, regardless, you my sisters by blood or by spirit. but who knows--you might at least find a chuckle here. : )