Christmas--our best efforts at Peace, Peace

When I posted that video the other day (and sorry about the terrible look of the video, everyone--I don't know why blogger and facebook make my videos such poor visual quality when I post them) I did so with such a mixture of loving memories for my children and disappointment at everyone else.  Because, see, there are actually three of those videos my Dear Husband took, and watching them in order tells quite a different story than what just that first video conveys.

That first video (I wish you could see our faces properly!) shows us happy and relaxed. The kids are smiling, and looking at Great-Grandma, who was seated about three feet away from us us in the entry between the kitchen and dining room there at MIL's house.  You can tell how loud we are, as DH was standing in the kitchen filming, with his mother rinsing dishes at the sink (no, she did not watch the performance).  We sounded pretty good, too, given that I taught the girls the song in the car on the way up to Chico, and this was our first time singing it together without me clapping to keep the time. My voice broke at one place, because we had to do this in a hurry (when we heard MIL and FIL discussing taking Great-Grandma back down to her house for the night) and could not even warm up our voices first, but otherwise we sound nice.  We did this as a present for Great-Grandma, because she was musical her whole life (plays harmonica, taught her daughters piano) and we thought she would like it.

I mean, c'mon--cute great-grandchildren singing a pretty little song about Peace they learned just for you? What's not to love?

Well. It was not received at all the way we thought, and the videos DH took show the downward progression. You can hear Great-Grandma start to speak at the very end of that video--she is saying we need to do it again, and this time loud enough to be heard.  She kinda complained for a good minute about how we can't expect to sing for other people if we don't even sing loudly enough to be heard. Ok, sure Great-Grandma, we'll do it again. We understand you might be a little hard of hearing, and after all, this is a present for you.

So we sang it again. And again, DH took a video. This time the video shows us singing very loudly, our efforts to be purposefully as loud as possible making us not sound quite so good, and throwing off our rhythm so our sweet little song has a bit more of a dirge-like quality.  The children are no longer smiling as much, and are looking more at me than at Great-Grandma as they seek leadership and affirmation. My voice and smile are a tad more strained, as I try to lead the kids in volume without drowning them out, while starting to stiffen from the criticism but pretend nothing's wrong. We don't sound as good, and are much stiffer and forced. Halfway through the video you can hear MIL stopping her rattling of dishes to hiss at us to be louder yet.

That second performance of "Peace, Peace" was met with a "That was nice but. . ." and more criticism about needing to sing louder, from both Great-Grandma and MIL.

In the third video, we attempt what was supposed to be the conclusion to our little Christmas gift performance--a blending of "Peace, Peace" with "Silent Night." This video makes me laugh, it is so terrible. By now, the kids and I are quieter again, since a) we are trying to listen to one another and not drown out anyone else's parts, and b) we had unconsciously given up on pleasing others with our volume. The kids are not smiling and are looking solely at me--partly from the need to concentrate and get all three parts to work together nicely, and partly because they are disappointed in the reception of the song.  We are all stiff. For some reason, DH's video is blurry.  It's a terrible video of a mediocre performance--so painful to watch it actually made me laugh our loud, wryly, as it seems to perfectly sum up all of Christmas 2014 in Chico.

Our genuine best efforts to be thoughtful and please others, not received well.

Highly imperfect.  Messy.

Sigh.

I love Great-Grandma, and was really surprised that she was not more gracious.  I don't think she is quite that deaf, so something else must have been happening there. Maybe a bit of ancient family patterns coming out. Otherwise our time spent with her this visit was nice and positive.

Our time with MIL started out--as usual--well but then went very quickly downhill. We had about one unexpected negative altercation a day, and I chose more often to excuse myself from those negative discussions than to engage in them. I spent more time upstairs in our room than ever before, and that was a good thing (we're talking several 10-20 minute breaks, and excusing myself for bed at 9:30, when I could--not hiding out for hours on end, which I would have been sorely tempted to do at times!). Overall it was not a great Christmas. But it is also really good for me to remember that Christmases in the past have been much, much worse. So that's a good to focus on.

Also, God was there throughout. And He talked to me.  So that's a Good to focus on.

I'll share some snippets and God stuff with you later. I just wanted to blog a quick little bit because I didn't want anyone wondering/worrying about how it all went down this year.  : )

It wasn't great. But it wasn't horrible either. : )

I hope you all had really good Christmases!  May God pour out His blessings upon you in this New Year!