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MIL posted this to facebook the other day, and I could not resist. (DH gave his blessing before I hit post on my comment.)
tee hee!
MIL did not post this aimed at us--in fact, I bet she does not realize that this meme really does sum up the message she has been sending us since we have been married. This is just the way MIL views most people. So while I was teasing when I posted my comment, I hope in a way I am also sending a message--that we can talk or even joke openly about our differences of opinion, and not have to let that come between us. She is welcome to have that opinion of us--but we are also welcome to dismiss it. Hopefully with grace. But at least with a good dose of humor and perspective.
I am continuing to use facebook as a gauge of where MIL and I are, interpersonally. I am "liking" and making positive comments to her posts when I can, and she made a positive comment to a video I shared for her of the kids singing at Easter (like a good grandma. : ) Other than that, she has completely frozen me out--she does not comment or "like" anything I post, even cute quips of things the kids say, or photographs of their artistic creations. I think that is telling--that at least there are still hurt feelings, or a desire to hurt my feelings. I'm not worried. We hopefully have a long relationship ahead of us, and plenty of time to work these things out.
I am a little teensy tiny bit worried about the next few weeks, though--FIL has expressed to DH that he would like to come down and bring us firewood and help out some weekend this month, and we don't know if that means with or without MIL. I am really praying it means without--because being at our house, surrounded by our problems & flaws is really hard on her. And we are making plans to go up to see them at the end of the month, because DH's sister Auntie N and her husband Uncle S and their two girls Spice & Sweetness will be visiting out from CO. We are really looking forward to seeing them, so will plan on going up for about 5 days. I think that will be the ideal way to see MIL again for the first time since The Letter of Confrontation--on her turf, where she is in control, and where there are other people around to make lots of distracting merriment. I'm actually not stressed at all thinking about it, and can even look forward to it.
(Although now that I think about it, we have not been officially invited. Hmmmm. That's ok--we'll invite ourselves. ; )
But I'm going to have to let go of this idea that I can control when we see them next, where, etc. Because really it means I am trying to control the outcome--trying to arrange things as best I can to avoid conflict! I need to turn this all over the God, and give it to Him, fully. And then not be afraid of the potential conflict--and remember that just like we can hold different opinions and express them to one another, we are also free from the burden of the other person's expectations and judgments. Both she and I are free from whatever negativity the other is still holding on to.
The truth is,
EVERYTHING HAPPENS
FOR A REASON.
AND SOMETIMES THE
REASON IS THAT
WE'RE ALL IMPERFECT
AND JUST DOING THE BEST WE CAN.
: )
Facebook is a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful that you have this way to communicate with your MIL who has cut herself out of your life and for her to see what's going on with your kids, even if she never responds. But on the other hand, it's a way for people to be passive aggressive in their feelings, as she is doing by not commenting on your posts about the kids like any normal grandma would.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how she would act if she were completely cut out of your life, too? If she wasn't able to see the updates about the kids to get SOME sense of what is going on in your lives, would she have to make more of an effort to patch things up and communicate with you, even if only for the sake of her relationship with her grandkids?
I had a recent blow-up with a sister over something really silly. Of course, I feel like it's about 80% her fault, but am having to bite the bullet and apologize to her just so we can have harmony at family gatherings from now on. Your words here are helpful for me as I'm sorting all of this out!
I completely agree about the blessing and curse thing. I find myself wishing I could get off fb, but then I remind myself I am on it mainly for my MIL and my little sister, since they are both people I want to stay connected to long distance. And yet I must say I also enjoy all the fun little videos and things people share--the educational or uplifting ones. So, I'm trying to just limit my time there, and not get sucked into the drama of fb. ; )
ReplyDeleteAnd just to clarify--my MIL has not really cut off communication. Really, we have. I know they would love for us to Skype them more even now (we have done so twice--once on Valentine's Day and once on Easter, both times my idea because I knew "Oma" would really like it). So yes, she is not communicating with me, but she would still very much like to communicate with my family and her son. Which makes things even more awkward!
I'm sorry you had a conflict with your sister. I remember one time a really good friend confronted me about something I had done inadvertently, and even thought really I had not been *wrong* just unknowingly rude, it was so awkward to talk to her about it on the phone, because it was clear she expected an apology. Of course I cared about her feelings, and so I swallowed my pride and apologized and now of course its all water under the bridge. : ) I hope you can remember that apologizing does not have to mean you are wrong--it means you care more about the other person than your own pride. And that's a beautiful thing!
Honestly, reading through this post I see some of the best perspective you have had regarding your MIL. Praise God for your healthy perspective! Keep plugging along with that sense of humor, and yet a deeper desire to stay the course and make it to a better place one day. This post is worth ear-marking for yourself to look back on one day when you might not feel like you are in such a healthy place with it all. Praying...
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