So, as I was telling you in that last post, I always wanted a special name, that would (in my mind, and hopefully in others' minds as well) acknowledge what I felt was my true inner me. Of course, I didn't even know who my true inner me was, but I think I wished that someone would love me enough to look for and see me--the innermost me--clearly, and who would give me a nickname--re-name me--out of that purposefully loving seeing. It was interesting re-reading that last post and noticing the movement in my story from wanting a nickname to project something about me that I wished was true, but knew was not (being cute, popular, fun) to wishing I had a nickname that would uncover something about me that I wanted to believe was really true. In the first, I wanted a new name to make a new me--because of course it was not really my name I didn't fully like, it was myself I didn't fully like. (What 13-year-old fully likes herself?) But as time progressed, I wanted a new name not to somehow artificially raise myself in other people's eyes, but to validate myself in my own eyes. In both cases I wanted to feel that there was something valuable in me worth calling out by (nick)name. But when I was young, I didn't think there was much of value already in me, so a nickname would add value, because other people's perceptions of me as cute, popular, fun would make it true. Such a nickname would give me value. When I was in college and after marriage, I needed to believe there was value already in me, and hoped a nickname would reveal it, to me and to others.
It is also interesting to see the shift in my mind from staunchly determining a "true" nickname would come "organically" from outside of myself--that if I named myself it would be invalid, a "false" nickname (at the very least, pretentious)--to going ahead and naming myself because I was resigned to the fact that nobody else was ever going to (i.e. no one saw the "real" me, and was thusly moved by affection for that inner me to want to claim her for themselves with a special name.)
Ooooooh, the revelations in my mind when I blog! Because what I just wrote is so true--I wanted to be know fully, to be loved fully, and to be claimed. A nickname claims someone in a very personal way--it's saying to the other person, or to the world, "There's something more to this one, and I like it, and I'm making it mine." This is mainly true of endearments, but can be true of more public nicknames too.
OK, so there's the reflection--on to the conclusion of the story.
Sometime soon after we moved to California, so about 10 years ago, I found myself needing a new email address. Which is, in a way, a new identity. DH and I loathe changing email addresses, and so we set up these new accounts with this company called "Google" which was gaining in popularity and which we thought might be around for a while. ; ) But I had to pick a new "name" for this email address. . . and I don't remember exactly what I had been reading, but through some Bible study or other reading I had decided that God saw me as "blessed" and so I was going to claim that. I didn't really know what it meant, but I knew it was all over the Scriptures, and it reminded me of "Beloved," except was not as intimate, not as precious. Remember, I no longer wanted a name that would project what I wished was true about me, so since I did not believe I was "beloved" to anybody, I certainly would never claim that moniker. "Blessed" (blESSed in pronunciation) sounded pretty, had vague Godly-woman connotations, and didn't seem to claim anything false about me. So, I used it as the basis for my email address. And later, I used it as my identity for this blog. In both cases, I did so just because I hadn't come up with anything better.
And it is so interesting to see how this name, which I chose for myself in a very casual manner (usually, as you all know, I over-analyze EVERYTHING, but this name "Blessed" I did not think about too much--it just seemed like a fine idea, and there was nothing offensive about it, so why not) has gradually, over years of growing in relationship with God, become something much more special to me. I felt myself growing into it, heart-wise. Believing it really did say something about me, in my inner-most being. And also believing that it was a nickname I did not give myself, but which God gave me. I can't tell you how that happened, because it was as subtle of a process as the very realization of my faith in the first place--I wore the designation "Christian" for a long time before I realized, this is really my faith! Not just what was passed down to me by my parents! It is who am I am to the core, and I cannot separate it from who I am! Becoming Blessed was the same way--just over time that word, that name, that meaning resonated in my spirit, and at low times God would whisper to me through it to comfort me and restore me. And at some point along the way, I realized I was, am, truly Blessed.
FINALLY, I have a nickname, and it is everything I longed for it to be!
Well, kinda. The word "blessed" always seemed to me to speak truth about my life, about my circumstances, about what God does in providing for me. I am Blessed because of these children, this husband, this house, how well God provides for me, how he knows my deepest desires and responds to them. I am Blessed because the Lord of Lords loves me and holds me fast, and listens to me and gives so generously to me out of the bounty of His love. I am blessed because the Creator of the Universe cares about me, my hurts, my yearnings, my fears, my joys, and He is forever faithful in responding to them.
So you see, being Blessed actually seems to say so much more about God than it does about me.
This realization hit me a few weeks back, during one of our fabulous SoulKitchen "Conversations," when the speaker for that evening asked the women there to define themselves with one word. Well, of course you know what word came to mind--Blessed. But in the context of that night's discussion, I realized that while I love being Blessed, I have not felt like the name really says anything about me. Well, other than suggesting a spirit of optimism, of gratitude, of acknowledging that everything wonderful in my life has come directly from the hands of a loving Father in heaven. And I do think those are all true! But I thought that just spoke to my outer self, the one people see--not the real me inside. And, frankly, we are all "blessed" in different ways--so that does not make the name feel as personal, speaking to something special just in me.
So I started to ponder the meaning of being "Blessed" purposefully. And would you believe, the very next week our church started a new series on the Sermon on the Mount. Which means that every Sunday since questioning who I am if I am "blessed," I have been inundated on Sunday mornings with what it means to be "blessed." And the progression of new understanding has been fascinating.
Oh, my time at the computer is up. I want to post something today, so will just have to finish the name saga in one final chapter. Hopefully soon!
In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. : )
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