the psychology of facebook

Facebook is a fun tool for resurrecting ghosts from the past--sometimes a past you had completely forgotten about, sometimes a past you did not mind forgetting about! And it is fascinating to me the myriad feelings that surface when someone out of the past asks to be my "friend" on facebook. If it is someone who was my friend, whom I had not thought about in years but would occassionally wonder about, then I am estatic. If it is someone who was not really my friend--even sometimes a person who may not have spoken to me voluntarily in high school!--then I am magnanimous. If it is someone who I don't recognize at all, but suspect might have met me once, or might not know me at all but plucked me out of the collective friends consciousness (of Vintage Faith church network, for example), then I am judgemental (why on earth would you want to claim "friend"ship with someone you don't even know, just because you happen to go to the same church?) But for the most part I accept the terms of "friend"ship, because, why not? (Except for those in the last category--they give me the willies, and I feel bad for people like Dan Kimball, one of the guys who started Vintage Faith, and who has written several books, because of the thousands of "friends" he has who just want to be connected in any way with someone "famous.")

Just to assuage any worries, if you are reading this blog, you are truly a friend, no quotation marks needed. ; )

But I have had two occurrences lately that have said way more about me than about the other person on facebook:

#1: A few weekends back when D's parents were in town, my mother-in-law commented that she had joined facebook at the request of old friends from high school who were planning the next reunion. My first impulse was to say, enthusiastically, "Hey, I'll be your friend on facebook." I am pretty sure my mouth even opened to speak, before my brain stepped in and seized control of the situation. Because my brain said in response, "ummmmm, no, I think I'll let her ask me if she can be my friend on facebook."

Perhaps a more complete understanding of the inner dialogue would be helped if the reader knew my relationship with my MIL has never been exactly friendly, though not for lack of my own fumbling, fallen efforts. And if the reader substituted "gleefully wicked me" for "my brain" in the above paragraph.

But He who redeems all things in the end showed me something a few years back: that this woman, at the end of her long, bitter life, will look back and realize that I have been her closest friend. Don't get me wrong--this promise does not exactly thrill me. I would much rather keep her at arm's end and stay fairly safe and sane. But if I manage to be her friend, it will not be by any great good I have in me--it will all be through the purpose and power of God. And really, it is a compliment of sorts, that God knows I will honor the vision and be faithful in trying to love her as a friend until that eventual someday.

But in the meantime, I'm holding back facebook friendship with a mischevious gleam in my eye. It would mean a lot to be asked.

#2: My older sister joined fb the other day, and is adding friends from everywhere, and as I visited her page to say hello, I saw the name of one of my old boyfriends, who was also my friend for about 10 years, from childhood until after college. Again, first impulse: "Hey, C, long time no hear from! Can I be your friend so I can see what you have been up to all these years?" Then, once again, brain steps in: "um, remember how he very nicely but officially ended your friendship the week before his wedding to once and for all show his new bride--who hated your guts--that he was chosing her over you?" Very wise move on his part, by the way, which I have always respected. But being in contact with his parents until just a few years ago, I know just enough of his adult life to want to know more. He had three kids--any more? He once worked for Big Ideas (Veggie Tales--think "Cheeseburger Song"), but left to make his own animated children's videos--how did that go?

But even though I have completely understandable and innocuous reasons for wanting to be friends with him on fb, I realized that I have more complex reasons for why I will never ask him. For one, I don't want to step over that line he so clearly drew all those years back, shielding his marriage from any perceived threat. Does she still feel the threat after all these years (and all these children!)? Are they even still together? Would the extending of the virtual hand of friendship be construed in any negative or desperate or conniving or the least bit psycho way by either old boyfriend or wife?

You have to admit, the old flames popping up on fb to see your family photos and marvel at the changes time hath wrought is a wee little bit on the psycho side--almost in the same uncomfortable ranking as the strangers as "friends" by association thing. And since there are actually several old boyfriends who are fb friends of mine (by their request, of course), I know already that if I did get to see C's profile and pics, I would in some way be superficially evaluating what could have been if. . . .

And, finally, there is the fear of rejection.

Facebook has made me confront some deep insecurities, which I forget I have. I rarely ask anyone to be my friend on facebook, even people I know fairly well and like--because what if they don't return the same affection and will say yes because of lack of polite way to say no? I did not even ask Dan Kimball, because I did not want to be another one of the thousand famous friend seekers--and was thus charmed when he asked me. ; ) (I cannot take credit--it was just logical for him to claim as a friend a person who spends a lot of time with his wife and children.)

Another reason why I almost always say yes to friend requests--maybe they went through the same insecurity before contacting me?

So I guess I will just have to ask my sister to tell me the gist of his profile so I don't have to go there myself. Wait a minute, what was I just saying about psycho behavior?

And here is the final thought: why do I even care what he thinks of me? I will not even attempt to deconstruct that one!

So, another lengthly posting about nothing much of importance but the releasing of thoughts that have been circling in my head. If any of you share these feelings about virtual friendship, make a comment! Someday someone will be writing books about how the virtual friend changed the psychological landscape of our national consciousness--have your say here and be ahead of the times.