FInishing Thoughts on Failing Sunday School

Boy, I did not mean to let that last post linger without follow-up for so long.  I never thought that last post would strike such a chord with you all, and I have really enjoyed reading your comments.  Lots of excellent points raised there!  Many of you have also shared your thoughts to me in email, or phone conversations. I appreciate how many of you cared about how I was feeling with Smiley's demotion, and wanted to offer suggestions.

And it made me realize I must have failed to strike the tone I intended in that last piece.  I was going for light humor with a touch of snark, but also acknowledgement of potentially meaningful educational ideology at play.  I think it came off instead like I was really upset, and am harboring resentment towards the Children's Ministry director.  So I want to reassure everyone that while the whole thing seemed to come out of the blue, and the director's response still puzzles me, I am NOT upset.

Most of all I want to make it clear that I have no hard feelings towards our Children's Ministry Director.  She is a lovely woman whom I like very much. She is a mom of two young boys, so I imagine would have reasonable and realistic expectations for boys Smiley's age in general.  I posted what I did because I saw the whole thing as stemming from a difference between the ways formally educated teachers (which the director is) and homeschool teachers view children and learning. So I thought it was worth thinking about--how do formally trained teachers view children's individuality/differences in the classroom?  How are common assumptions about what education is shaping how we do Sunday School, and is that good?  What are we really teaching our kids on Sunday mornings, and what ripple effect might those things have to our children as adults? 

For example--if we always give the kids one style of worship (which at our church is a young, energetic female leader up in front of the kids leading singing to pre-recorded praise songs with choreographed hand and body motions, VBS-style.  It is meant to be fun but I believe is unintentionally a little too "girly" and might understandably be alienating the boys, or making the older kids feel awkward) and say they *have* to do it with everyone else, what are we teaching them about corporate worship?  That it is dumb? That they have no choice? That following what everyone else is doing is more important than meaning it?  That worship is obeying a leader, instead of listening to God?  That the motions are what matter and not the heart?  What about kids who are in rebellion or who are not believers and just need to be accepted for where they are, and be welcomed and allowed to come and not participate as long as they are not disruptive?

Children's worship in Sunday school is just one of many things that we could talk about in such a vein.  We could also talk about the very structure of the time allotted for Sunday school, and what that says about our priorities.  For example, the last time DH and I led the 1st and 2nd grade class together on a Sunday morning, we had the kids sitting and listening to the Scripture reading for that day, but they did not understand the verse.  So I started to tell a story to illustrate the verse, to help them see what it was saying and how it applied to their lives.  It was one of those times when I must have been telling a story well, because the kids were all attentive, engaged--dare I say learning?--when the children's worship leader came to tell us we were late for the worship gathering.  So, we had to stop talking with a roomful of kids who were actually thinking about the Scripture verse and its meaning, and go wave our arms and stomp our feet in the name of Jesus.  Of course, I understand why they came to get us, and why they want all the kids in the large group time together--but with the crafts and games and all, the class ends up with about 10 minutes max to talk to the kids about the Bible, and clearly there is no flexibility for a group that gets really into the Word and wants to linger for a few more minutes in a "teachable moment."  What is all that saying about what we think is most important to teach the kids on Sunday morning? 

And these are the exact issues that stem from our Sunday Schools being modeled after traditional public schools. A model proven to be ineffective in the real world, I might add.  So if the public school model is failing at teaching our kids effectively about math, sciences, history, etc., why are we still using it as the foundation for how we teach kids about Jesus?

So the REAL problem with our Sunday Schools is that everyone is too used to the way things have always been done, and don't even question whether or not it is working, and what it is really teaching our kids about God and church.  Since Sunday Schools are modeled after public school, it would make perfect sense that a former public school teacher would be a really good Children's Ministry Director--and that she and I would not approach these issues the same way.  Homeschool parents naturally see outside the normal ways of doing things, and question everything (esp. authority ; ).  So I see what happened with our director and Smiley being demoted as being simply the result of a different way of thinking about educating kids, and I am completely ok with deferring to her preference on this one. 

But too, I think this situation is the result of the public school view of "socialization."

I think the Director thinks we are a little odd--just a little backwards/backwoods.  Truly, I am ok with that.  Some people have a really hard time understanding why others choose to homeschool, and I just think she is one of them, and it might be flavoring the way she views us--and thus Smiley's behavior in Sunday School. 

Once this past Spring she and I had a fascinating discussion after church on a Sunday.  It was that same week I mentioned above in the Scripture scenario, when DH and I were volunteering in the classroom.  We had gotten there a little late, so afterwards I went to apologize.  I also wanted to ask her not to schedule me for any more classroom time (I had never officially volunteered, but was being called a lot to fill in just because they know me) for a while, because it was too stressful for me to try to get to church early  (and was putting strain on my marriage).  This was in the middle of my depression and at the height of the crazy Spring schedule too, and underneath I was a complete mess even though I thought I was doing a pretty good job of looking normal on the outside, and I felt like I was Failing in pretty much every single aspect of my life, and was quite emotionally vulnerable.  And looking back, I was probably discouraged from "messing up" that morning's Sunday School class schedule by talking about the Bible longer than we were supposed to, and thus unknowingly holding up everyone else.  I already felt like I was always disappointing everyone and couldn't do anything right in other areas of my life, so that little moment of disapproval from the worship leader was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

So that morning, I let my overwhelmedness and sadness show for a moment, as I explained to the director why I couldn't handle the stress of feeling like I was failing at one more thing and so did not want any responsibilities in Children's Ministry at all.  I did not break down or cry or anything, but I am sure my brokenness came through in my face and voice.  And she was all sympathetic and understanding and sweet (because that is who she is) and then she brightly asked me something like, "So, if you don't mind telling me, what made you want to homeschool?" And I assumed this was a segue into a new life topic, and she was thinking about homeschooling her two young boys (SO many young moms from our church have jumped into homeschooling this year!) and so launched into an enthusiastic explanation about why we started, and how it has been such a great thing.  And when I finished my spiel, and she spoke again, it was to basically complete her original thought: "Because it sure seems like you are in over your head big time, and that's why you are such a mess."  She said it much more nicely than that, and I was touched that she cared.  But I was mentally smacking my forehead, that I had not inquired why she was asking before I told her all that stuff, because I realized she is not at all interested in homeschooling, she just thinks homeschooling is killing me and is not sure I can see that.  My reaction was quick, however, as I reassured her with disbelief: "Oh, no, not at all!  Homeschooling is the one thing going really WELL at the moment.  It's all the other things that are so hard right now!"  And it was true--homeschool was the one thing at that moment that was hard but at least rewarding.  (It was everything else in my life that pretty much sucked.)

So that conversation gave me new resolve not to let my brokenness slip out any more, and I think I did a fine job of functioning normally overall until God had me where He wanted me for receiving His truth and healing (which is still in process).  But it also reminded me of how most of the world just can't understand the beauty of homeschooling, esp. those who were formally educated.  (A lot of former Educators DO homeschool, or are able to see why it is a good choice for a lot of families, but I find that MOST Educators just can't go there--homeschooling challenges their very way of life, their identity, how they spend most of their time, the principles they have sacrificed so much for, and so they feel threatened by it.)

All that to say, when she and I spoke the other Sunday about Smiley moving back down to preschool, I had that prior conversation in the back of my head.  She just might have the teensy-tiniest thoughts about Smiley not being properly schooled/socialized, and that might be flavoring this decision to move him down. But again, this is not something I hold against her.  I just think her prior experience/indoctrination as a public school teacher is influencing her perspective on what it means for a kid to be ready, for a kid to be participating, for a kid to fit in, for a kid to be socialized, etc.  I am really and truly fine with her not having the same lens to view kids through that I as a homeschool mom have.  Everybody is limited in perspective--because we are all looking from different starting points.  We all just do the best we can with what we understand at the time, and I believe she believes this is best for everybody.  
 
Final thoughts:

-- I don't think she and I need to talk about it further, because I don't think that would change anything. 

--The whole brief discussion was also very awkward, and I don't want awkwardness between us, because she is a really nice woman and I am sure we will have a long relationship together as members of the same body.

--I appreciated that one of my reader friends, who also has kids in our Sunday School, asked me if anyone--the SS teachers or DH and I--had ever actually talked with Smiley about appropriate ways to show respect for the teacher and classroom.  No, I don't think anyone ever has--a great starting point!

--I'm not sure the director realized that Smiley is really, officially, in kindergarten--maybe that would have made a difference. 

--But maybe it would not have made any difference, given that she likely thinks he is not ready for the kindergarten class because he is not getting the benefits of "real" school and indoctrination into cultural norms (I'm realizing kindergarteners must not be allowed to lay on the floor while in school while learning.  Who knew? ; )

--I asked Merry and Happy about what Smiley had been doing during group time, and they did confirm that he was not going along with the hand motions or singing, and that he did lie down one time, and I guess overall he was not participating.  I asked Smiley about it, and he wanted to talk out of hearing of his sisters, and then he said he had been shy.  So, it does sound like his actions were being misinterpreted by everyone as immaturity--and what will happen to other shy kids who come? 

--And yet, maybe shyness leading to non-participation is immaturity. 

--Most importantly, Smiley is totally happy being back with his best buddy Hecho, and is building relationships with two other little boys that make me happy.  I do wonder what will happen in the future when we move him up again--is there some point at which they will realize he is a class behind his grade and want him to jump back up?  Or will Smiley realize at some point that he is not with the other boys in his grade and wonder why?  Ah, we will deal with such questions when they come.  For now, this is fine. 


Ok, so I think that covers everything.  Again, I really appreciated all of your comments and queries.  I believe it is really important that the church think through the messages we are sending our kids, and the things we are indoctrinating them into.  If what we are doing in any way hinders the Truth of God's love, Jesus's covering Grace, and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives today, then it needs to change.  Maybe having so many homeschooling families at our church (15 so far!) will end up having a subtle effect on the church body in a good way. . . but I will trust God to lead me to know when to speak and when to be still.  This time I don't have any urge to speak, so am trusting I wasn't supposed to. : )

Much love to you all this fine Fall day!

Random update #1--In Which My Son Fails Sunday School

Smiley was demoted in Sunday School. 

This past August, on "Move Up Sunday," we dutifully moved him from the preschool room to the kinder room, even though he was sad to be leaving his best bud "Hecho," son of Rosa.  Then three weeks ago, the Children's Ministry leader approached me after Sunday School to gently confront me, and said she thought Smiley should move back down to the preschool room. When I asked why, she said because he was not participating as [she thought] he should during the large group time (when the k-5 kids get together in a larger classroom and sing and dance and watch a [really boring] cartoon Bible lesson.  I think she said he was laying down for part of it and must have seemed disinterested. . . which I have seen other kids do. . . .

Huh.  I just smiled brightly and said, "Oh, ok!" 

Smiley turned 5 in Sept and is officially a kindergartener.  He has also spent his entire "preschool" life participating in educational activities with children much older than himself.  He sits and watched long documentaries about nature and science and history--he watched the entire Ken Burns' "The West" series this past Spring, for heaven's sake.  The boy has a much better attention span than most his age.  At home, he dances and sings--with tutus to boot.  He listens well and has never seemed to demonstrate any inability to know what is expected and follow along.  He is a people person, and jumps right in with whatever playing is going on.  Other people love having him over at their houses because he is such a good little guy who is so easy to please, and who plays with others so well.

The leader is a lovely woman whom I have known for many years now and whom I like very much.  She is also a former public school elementary teacher.   I think it is safe to say this is a true case of homeschooler prejudice--clearly this poor boy is showing a lack of proper socialization, and does not know how a kindergarten boy should act.  Maybe I should teach him to hit other boys?  Or quickly and uncaringly color and complete whatever is placed before him and then run off to throw toys inappropriately? 

Ok, I realize I sound bitter, but I am seriously typing this with a smile.  Well, a wry smile.  I see this not as a flaw in the leader, but as an example of the faulty training she herself received.  I am sure the leader saw something in Smiley that made her think that was a wise choice, but I am seriously flummoxed.  I have volunteered in Sunday School many times now, and have a pretty good idea of what normal participation is, esp. for boys his age.  What I described above is how some (even older!) boys act each week, and I don't think the leader would approach their parents and suggest they need to be moved to a lower class. 

And interestingly enough, this is the EXACT kind of thing that happened to us when Sunny was actually in public kindergarten--she was omitted from things the rest of the class was doing because "she was too young."  Um, yes she was on the young end, but if the state says she should be here, then um, accommodate her!  Oh, wait--they did.  They pulled her out of the classroom to have special intervention with a special-needs aid.  Without talking to us about it first.  And similarly, we loved her kinder teacher, and thought she was awesome--but clearly there is something in the public school teacher mentality that has to take any kid who is odd or different and label them "special needs."  As in, "we need to fix that."

**Clarifier--Sunny probably was gaining good things from the attention she was receiving, working on gross motor skills and all that.  I have NO PROBLEM with my child spending time with an aide and a Down Syndrome girl.  Great!  She would not have qualified for an IEP anyway, so a little special attention on the sly--perfect.  But it was really disconcerting to feel like my child was being labeled, and then biased against, just because she was a little different.  And I don't think any child should be taken out of the classroom on a regular basis without the parent's knowledge and approval.  That felt creepy.

But back to Smiley--clearly my second "special needs" child.  ; ) Good thing, as a homeschool mom, I honestly don't care one whit what "grade" he is in.  And so the next week I got to tell him he could go back to his old classroom and get to be with Hecho!  Yay!  He was so glad, and actually I am too, because I realized there are two other little boys who had moved up to the class that I would like for him to befriend--one was recently adopted, and one is the son of a lovely fellow homeschool mom!  (And then the little adopted boy just last week choose Smiley to be his special guest at his birthday dinner--how special is that!  Clearly the boys are striking up a friendship, and I LOVE the parents, so that's all a win!)

So, really, it's all fine.  But I do still just have to smile sadly and shake my head.   I think VERY highly of public school teachers as a profession.  I do not even know how they do it--they seriously have one of the toughest jobs out there, and one of the most important.  Both my parents were public school teachers, and I think they were very good at what they did.  But I do have issue with some of the ways modern teachers are taught to think what Education is, and how best to impart it to young minds--and both DH (who volunteers in the Sunday School classrooms way more than I do) and I have complained to one another that too much of the way our (and probably most) Sunday School is run is very akin to public school, to its loss.

Maybe one of these days they need a homeschool parent in charge.  ; )  Now THAT would be fascinating to see!

Um, that makes me so tired just thinking about.  No, I'll leave the lovely leader to her post, and support her as much as I can.  Which in this case, means putting Smiley back into preschool and letting it go.  He's happy, she's happy, DH is disgruntled but what can he do, and I'm choosing to see it as Just One of Those Things That Ends Up For The Best Anyhow.  : )

Going Private--for my MIL

Some of you are still visiting with some regularity--thank you for caring and still stopping by every now and then, even when I'm not blogging as much!--and already noticed the little announcement at the top of the page.  And those of you who enjoy mega-posts--today you are in luck! Everyone else, you have been warned. ; )  Yes, the day has finally come.  I want to keep blogging, and to be able to share openly about whatever is on my heart and mind--and I want this blog to continue to feel like a safe space in which to do so. 

My main concern of course is my MIL.  When I first started blogging about our relationship, I thought it was healthier to do so with the knowledge that someday she might find the blog, and would then most definitely read it.  That thought gave me some necessary accountability, and really helped me choose my words and focus on the positive when I wrote about her and me.  But, this past Spring I started to write about me and MIL more, and with more detail and negativity.  Not that I think I've been more negative, but I have been more honest about what things have really been like for the past 18 years, which is itself negative--and which makes it all the better for anyone to appreciate how amazing things are now in comparison!  But as a result, I had three women whom I respect privately ask me if I thought it was wise to write so openly, knowing my MIL could find it.  I so appreciated their caring enough to gently question my wisdom and sensitivity.  And I listened.

You know, back when I started writing, things were pretty bad, and I did not share much of it.  What I did share, I figured if it was found by my MIL it might well make her upset (not because I was being untruthful or disrespectful, because I was really being careful not to be either, but just because I was writing about her/us at all--like finding out someone has been talking about you behind your back), but it could maybe then be an impetus for change in our relationship.  Our relationship was already so bad I really had nothing to lose, and she would not have realized then that she did have anything to lose.  So thinking about her finding the blog was a little scary, but I also felt that if it was found someday, it would likely be a relief, and maybe she would finally hear everything I have been thinking, feeling, and trying to share for years.  And maybe it would have helped her step outside of her own headspace for a bit, and help her see what her actions and words looked like from other people's point of view.  In other words, to help her see how unhealthy and sinful our relationship was--because maybe if she did not like what others saw, she would want to change that.

And let me just be brutally honest for a minute--I put up with so much crap over the past 18 years, that part of me was not overly concerned about her feelings.  She was always talking about everyone behind their backs all the time and saying much less hopeful and truthful things than I was, which understandably did not inspire me to be oversensitive to her potential feelings.   

But now. . . things are better. Miraculously so.  Our relationship has improved so much it is hard to believe.  It feels like God did His good work in me for years and years, slowly, with me fighting every step of the way because it hurt and didn't seem fair and I didn't want to do it and what about MY feelings, what about ME?  But He was persistent, and insistent that I change my heart, and grow up in Grace a bit.  He convicted me that He was calling me to LOVE my MIL (not in feelings, but in actions--doing what is loving), and so I have been slowly figuring out what that really means, and learning to depend upon Him to do it through me. 

And then it seems like He started His good work in my MIL at some point (maybe all along--only they know) and we have been seeing real fruit for going on two years now.  I think God had to grow me enough so I would recognize when MIL was growing, trying to be gracious--so I could get out of the way, and be a help and not a hindrance to it!  That does not mean the past 2 years have been all roses and sunshine--no, things have still been painful at times.  But the difference between ten or even six years ago and now is seriously staggering.

The Holy Spirit whispered to me years ago that someday my MIL would look back over the years and realize I had been a friend to her.  It was so hard to believe at the time--that was back when things were terrible, which is one way I know that was a word from God and not just my own imagination.  I could not have imagined it.  But now, things are slowly, slooooooowly starting to move in the direction of us being not just polite to one another (which for years seemed impossible) but even to be companionable with one another.  It will take a long time before anything remotely like friendship is realized--which is why I think the vision the Holy Spirit gave me was when she and I are both much older!--but I think it is now at least imaginable down the road.

Which brings me back to this post now, and the issue of making the blog private.  Before, I did not want to make my blog private just because of MIL, because it would seem like I was doing so out of fear, or from being sneaky--and I would rather my blog have been discovered by MIL than to feel like I was doing either.  But now my heart is in a different place, and I know God has entrusted me with the knowledge of just how fragile this growing relationship is, and that MIL is vulnerable--and I don't at ALL want to do anything to hurt this healing, to set back our growth!

So, I thought about keeping this blog public, but taking down anything having to do with MIL.  Hmmmmm.  There are some posts that never quite sat right with me, which I would be glad to un-publish; but there are too many other bits of our relationship story that are so heavily entwined with my own spiritual growth story, and I don't want to take them out.  God has used my MIL to grow me--as I have always said, jokingly (but not), "Nobody can send me faster to the foot of the cross than that woman!"  And ultimately, that is a good thing.  I believe He has used and is using me to grow her too.  The refining process has not been pretty, but it has so far proven fruitful, and I really and truly want to celebrate that. 

Also, I have had so many women share with me privately that they too have difficult relationships, and suffer in them.  And what I have realized is that lots of us do--but we never talk about it openly, because that would seem like complaining, or gossiping, or being malicious, or even just focusing on the negative, and those of us who are seriously desiring to please God are really trying not to do any of those things.  But this means that a lot of suffering goes on quietly, and women are at a loss for how to handle their feeling and frustrations and fears.  They could really use encouragement from other Christian women who are working through the same things--but since none of them talk about it, they don't realize they are not alone.  So I have always written in the hopes that doing so I might be able to bless someone else--and I think that has happened. 

I have always tried to write with honesty, but also respect for my MIL, and to focus on the positive.  I have been so thankful that in our whole long 18 +  years of relationship, I have never consciously sinned against MIL.  I have not lashed out in anger,  I have not said things in anger I wished I could take back, I have never tried to hurt her, I have never been glad when she was upset or hurt.  I have always tried my best to get along, to keep peace, to speak truth, to do what I can to help healing between us.  I have not done any of these things perfectly--let me say it plainer than that: I have messed up trying to do all of these things well.  BUT I have never knowingly sinned against my MIL. 

Well, to her face that is.  My biggest struggle has always been the sometimes constant thinking negative things about her.  THAT has been a huge issue for me--keeping my thought-life honoring to God.  In my own defense, it is hard to think positive things when you are yourself being force-fed a constant flow of over-the-top negative things.  For many years, I allowed my mind to be given over to the fear and worry and futile and pathetic desire to please and to dwell on all the hurtful and cruel words that had been spoken over me--and for a long time I had no control over my thoughts about my MIL.  I not only dwelled on the negative when I was with her, but when I was not with her too.  I would find myself multiple times a day nursing old wounds, or inventing conversations in which I was the victor and not the victim.  It would especially happen anytime I was doing any housework--since that was one thing that was always used by MIL to assert superiority over me, to point out my inadequacies, to lord bitter triumph over me when I inevitably failed to meet the inspection.  I realized my thought patterns had a terrible, sinful grip on me when I could not even wash the dishes without reliving or imagining negative things involving my MIL at least 20 times.  The negativity was taking over my mind--and that was crippling sin. 

And God is just now showing me another area in which I was sinning against her for all those years--I was nursing a grudge against her.  But both of these issues were not conscious sins against her, and for that I am grateful.

Over the course of many years I worked on changing those negative, sinful ways of thinking about my MIL, with God's wisdom and help, and that's why I was trying to be so careful not to sin against my MIL in what I wrote here in my blog.  I think I succeeded overall, until this past Spring.  I never said so at the time, but I fell into a dark place this past Spring.  Looking back, I see I was slipping into it even in early January, and it lasted until May.  Even after the big hold the darkness had on me was broken by God's mercy, the emotional and psychological effects of it lingered until just a few weeks ago. I think I am truly out from under it now--praise be to our Good Lord Jesus for delivering me--and I can look back now and see how I was a different person in some ways during that time.  I hid it somewhat well from the outside world, but one thing I noticed was that I was becoming more frank about how things were with my MIL here on my blog, and I was starting to write with more complaint and almost a tattling spirit.  I think I was so emotionally stricken that I stopped caring about writing carefully.  I still don't know if that ventured over into sin. . . . Was that gossip?  Was that slander?  Is it gossip anytime we mention someone else in our stories?  Is it sinful to be vulnerable in our hurting?   But I do know that it was not focusing on the positive, and was not written with the previous desire to be respectful.  I was walking wounded, and wrote out of that woundedness.

I am so thankful now that I feel healed.  Possibly in a really big, life-changing way--time will tell.  I think where I am now is an even a better place for growing in relationship with MIL.  So I want to be loving and respectful to her in anything I write.  But I also want the freedom to write my story--our story--as I feel led. 

So, it's time to make the blog private.  I realize that since I have been so sporadic in my blogging since last Spring there is a good chance that there are only a few of you still reading.  That's ok--it's good for my pride. It also makes it easier to not worry that I am depriving an appreciative world of the wealth of my insight.   (Typical blogger folly = assuming I have things to say, and everyone cares if I do or not! ; )  But those of you who are still around, I think I will need to add you manually to the approved reader list.  (Jessica, please do share any advice you have for me about this, since you have done it before.)   I do not want to assume any of you previous readers still want to be reading, so I will not add you unless you request (except for you, Mom ; )  So would you please email me at the address above (which I have added spaces to, to keep trolling spam programs from grabbing it--hope that works) if you would like me to add you?

My feelings will not be hurt if I don't get many requests.  This has never been a blog with a large readership, and now most of my old readers have moved on.  I started this blog simply as a way of sharing life with my mother, my best friend Susan, and my sisters.  Any of you who have joined my journey along the way--thank you for sharing some of it, and your presence has been a blessing to me. 

Much love to you all!

Blessed