If you have been reading this blog, then you know the current state of my home living environment. (It is much better than when I blogged last week, but still not done. But you can see the floor! Whoo hoo!) I actually have been doing pretty good being very productive throughout the day and getting a lot done--but I have not been good about prioritizing and scheduling the day so that dinner is started when it needs to be, so that the kids are fed when they need to be, so that bedtime is when it needs to be. . . you know how poor judgements earlier in the day tend to snowball and end up making a mess of the end of the day. I also have made a point to buy less convenience food to have on the shelves, to save money and be more intentionally healthy in our eating habits--which we are enjoying, when I do get a meal to the table, but cooking from scratch is making it just that much harder to feed my family when I have a lot of other things I would rather be doing. There, I said it! The problem is not the food, or the amount of time I have, but what I am doing with my time choices. I am procrastinating almost every afternoon when I know it is time to cook, and I think it boils down to this:
I want to be rescued.
This is a recurring theme in my interior life, actually. When the kids have been having a bad day, I want D to come home and take over and put them to bed. When I have had a stressful day, I want to buy food from a restaurant for dinner. I think I let dishes pile up and the floor get all smudgy because I am secretly hoping I will wake up to find a kitchen fairy has magically restored everything to brisk, bright order. I carefully orchestrate quiet/nap times so I get the mental break that I tell myself I need to be a good mom. It comes from the same root as escapism--so I somehow expect a cup of really good tea to make me feel better about myself, about the children, about the day, esp. a cup of really good tea AND some really good chocolate. THAT should fix everything! Until the cup is empty and everything around me is exactly the same as before. Well, sometimes my attitude is better--esp. after getting that quiet house for an hour! (What do you think is allowing me to blog at this exact moment? Quiet time! ; ) But still, whatever mini-rescue I get is so temporal, impermanent--and the things and people and activities I want to be rescued from are there waiting for me as soon as the brief respite is through.
There are so many spiritual applications here, I am sure--but this is something I have been doing unconsciously for years, so now that it is conscious, it may take me a while longer to work through it all! But here is one thought: since the rescues are so fleeting and often unsatisfying, why do I spend so much of my thought and energy in the day making sure I get them? I am sure it would be much better to spend that time focused on the living matters that I want to escape--to not run (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually) from what is frustrating, wearying, or not allowing me to be focused on myself at a moment when I would really like to be (not pretty to admit, but true).
It is pretty embarrassing to be writing this, because those of you who know me know I have a pretty darn awesome life, a life that is made up almost entirely of components of my own choosing! My life is really so easy. And I am truly blessed, in all manner of things. So I not complaining about my life--please do not think I am! I am just trying to figure out what sin I am overlooking or what lie I am unintentionally living that is making me always look for rescue in my daily life.
Do any of you ever feel the same? About wanting to be rescued from life? can anyone share with me any revelations about this topic that have encouraged or convicted you?
My dear friend Becky said something the other day that gave me excellent spiritual fodder: she said essentially, "Success these days comes from obedience." I am still thinking about that, and what truths are inherent there that I can apply. God gave me a snippet of Scripture that is helpful too. But if anyone is still out there reading, I would love some feedback.
*Title taken from the classic piece of feminist writing byJudy Syfers, the year I was born, which you can read here http://www.cwluherstory.org/why-i-want-a-wife.html
**the good wifey image from May 1955 Housekeeping Monthly, found at orangejuiceblog.com
It was just too depressing to come back weeks later and read this post and its plea for response from my lifesisters, and see the forlorn zero next to the comments link. so i am posting one! thank you to the friends who commented to me in the real world about this posting and who offered some words of encouragement and condolance. i so appreciate it, esp. as the heart issue continues. . .
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